In Sabine Bends, Cupids Poisoned Arrow has found a congenial translator - the translation is wonderful. It is evident that she put her whole heart into translating "Cupid". I hope "Amor" will find many German-language readers. I will do my part and send it as a birthday gift to my ex-wife, who is much looking forward to it - even though it comes rather too late for us. We were divorced 20 years ago.

Peace to All

Read a PDF of the "NewsAge" review in German. The English translation is:

The Big "O"?

Orgasm on Trial

Sex is good for us, it keeps us fit and healthy and provides emotional balance – this has been the general credo since the sexual revolution. Whole generations have since been on the hunt for sexual climaxes, but at the same time divorce rates are on the rise as well as tensions in seemingly intact relationships. Recent data show that this is not only due to our turning away from traditional roles and behavior patterns, but also partly a result of sex that is focused on orgasm. Those data suggest that sex and orgasm can be seen in a different light and they point the way to a new kind of sex that is based on the bonding principle.

Many ancient wisdom teachings extol the health benefits of sex and in some traditions specific sexual practices are seen as a path to spiritual development or even to enlightenment. Unlike in our seemingly enlightened society, they also warn against a loss of energy caused by excessive sexual activity. Are all these obsolete beliefs, or does sex actually imply certain risks and side effects, quite apart from AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases?

In this context, mainly orgasm is being discussed, not only men's, but also women's orgasm. Modern sexology has long known the "post-orgasmic distress" that is classified as a "functional sexual disorder". It occurs after climax, and can result in restlessness, irritability, sleep disturbances, depression, crying fits, and discomfort. New findings from hormone and brain research, however, indicate that these "disturbances" are by no means rare and not even pathological: they are based on a natural " passion cycle", the effects of which we usually do not associate with sexual activity, as the American author Marnia Robinson points out in her epoch-making book "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow."

If we are newly in love, those disturbances may manifest themselves in quarrels with the partner - we suddenly take the partner's beloved quirks as a threat; we are annoyed because he has not screwed on the toothpaste tube, or because she had to buy new shoes again. Often the effects are subtle: the partners can alternately be unusually needy, anxious, tired or irritable. In extreme cases, the post-orgasmic phase can transform a lover from saviour into the antichrist, and her from his beloved Aphrodite into a Medusa with serpent hair. The reason for such shifts in perception are rarely traced back to an orgasm several days earlier. Who knew that the post-orgasmic cycle does not just take a few hours, but, according to recent findings, continues a whole two weeks?

According to Robinson, our heritage as mammals is to blame for this cycle, as well as our genes' imperative to reproduce as often and with as many partners as possible. For this purpose, the genes employ our "mammalian brain" (the limbic system) which, independent of our rational brain (neocortex), controls our bonding program. "It is the seat of the reward circuit," Robinson explains, "the mechanism that controls our instincts and emotions. After orgasm, neurochemical fluctuations occur in the reward circuit. At a gut level, the partner may no longer appear valuable, and we fall out of love. At the same time, we may find new partners very attractive, because we receive a neurochemical rush when we turn our attention to them. This phenomenon –tiring of a partner with whom one has already sexually satiated oneself, while finding new partners attractive – has been observed among both male and female mammals. The neurochemical fluctuations following sexual satiation last for approximately two weeks. They can effect changes in our feelings for our partners."

Changes which put our relationship more and more into question – not on a conscious, but on a subconscious level, which, however, is no less effective. On the contrary, the cocktail of changing quantities of dopamine, prolactin, testosterone and endorphins - "Cupid's poisoned arrow" - is as effective as hard drugs and incites us to "reorientate" ourselves. Separations are therefore pre-programmed neurochemically, as is adultery, if we fail to maintain neurochemical balance at the level of the mammalian brain.

Fortunately there is, apart from our breeding program, a complementary bonding program, which also accesses the reward circuit in the mammalian , and without which we cannot fall in love. This mechanism is not gender specific and has probably developed originally to bind us to our parents and children. It mainly uses the cuddle hormone oxytocin, which is released through loving touch, caressing, kind words, etc., and acts like an antidote to the above cocktail of mating hormones.

According to Robinson, it is not the orgasm which is the real big "O", but it is the oxytocin, since it is most likely responsible for the health benefits that would otherwise be attributed to orgasm. Oxytocin is effective against stress, depression, and defensive behavior. "It is most likely the reason why close and intimate - and particularly harmonious partnerships - are associated with a longer life, faster healing, decreased illness, and with less depression and dependence," says Robinson. Therefore, she argues for a sex that focuses on bonding instead of orgasm, like for example the practice of "Karezza" (gentle sex without orgasm), or for Daoist practices, and of course for as much tenderness as possible in our intimate togetherness to get back to a balance in our sexual relations.

Norbert Classen