While traveling, I read Cupid from cover to cover. I am much more enthused about finding a partner because you have drawn out the map to relationship harmony so clearly. Hope in the possibility of a functional relationship seems much more tangible now. Before reading your book, another intimate relationship with a woman was merely a theory. In hindsight I think that's why I was hesitant to begin reading. As I gain a clearer understanding of why my marriage failed, some of my hurt and distrust seems to be disipating. I now want to pair-bond, to disipate all of it. Thank you for the love, compassion, and acceptance so evident in your work . M.H.

I just think your book is awesome...the missing link in attaining a higher level of consciousness. Now it is just finding the person to practice with. Thanks so much. I am a Counsellor/Psychotherapist (in Australia).

Your material, in the book and on this site, is truly groundbreaking. It is a SOLUTION to sexual addictions. Recovery programs have a hard time understanding what you're supposed to do with your wife after you recover! I think recovery programs and this material in tandem is powerful.

This book is definitely a relationship renewer.

Connection and bonding are the cornerstones to well-being, happiness and peace in a society. And yet, many of us find ourselves in unsatisfactory intimate relationships—feeling distant, alienated, or just simply disconnected. This disconnection affects our children, our work, our creativity. Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow brings neuroscience into the bedroom, revealing how biology creates projection and separation. Marnia Robinson provides a solution that will not only pleasantly surprise you, but will profoundly change your life. This book is a must-read for anyone wanting to know love.--Kali Wendorf, founding editor Kindred magazine, editor of (and author in) the soon to be released anthology, Belonging (Finch Publishing).

Orgasm ... it is incredible that something so simple and "natural" can be so devastating for our couple's relationships. But as the author says: nature doesn't care about our individual happiness -- it is the success of the species' propagation that drives our behavior and drive us to be naturally polygamous and spread our genes with all the complications it leads to.
After we took in Marnia's information and her warmly described experiences, life is looking more exciting and more hopeful for couples who have been devastated by nature's standard script.
She describes how we can have better sex AND a harmonious relationship -- thank you for a fantastic book.

Marnia Robinson's courageous book CUPID'S POISONED ARROW seriously challenges conventional "wisdom" about human sexual interactions. It is a serious challenge, not only because the widely accepted conclusions of earlier researchers like Freud, Kinsey and Masters and Johnston are critically examined, but also because she gleans and expands upon current findings in neurophysiology. Robinson argues, contrary to popular belief that relentless pursuit of orgasm may damage relationships by creating increased desire, restlessness and irritability. The very "intimacy" that is expected to strengthen marriages may be resulting in increased infidelity and divorce. Robinson carefully explains how orgasm may alter the brain's reward pathways in a manner similar to addictions to alcohol or drugs and suggests that sustained emotional withdrawal symptoms can similarly result. She lucidly explains the neuophysiology of oxytocin and vasopressin as they relate to bonding in mammals. She illuminates the theme of strengthening relationship by changing the focus to genital contact without striving for orgasm, an approach that has proved highly successful in marital counseling. CUPID'S POISONED ARROW is as antithetical to modern cultural beliefs about sexual behavior as Galileo's treatise was to astronomy. In Galileo's time the earth (like the orgasm) was thought to be the incontestable center of the universe. Robinson's hypothesis might result in much needed navigational improvements for modern family relationships. The book includes many interesting personal reports, understandable explanations of science and light-hearted humor which make for enjoyable, thought-provoking reading.--A.J. Reid Finlayson, M.D., Division of Addiction Medicine, Department of Psychiatry, Vanderbilt University School of Medicine

Marnia Robinson’s book is the fulfillment of a dream I shared at the end of my Art of the Bedchamber that Asian sexual practices, developed under conditions of polygamy and proto-science, could be adapted for modern monogamy and gender equality. Asian male fantasies of achieving immortality by stealing female sexual essence and phobias of essence-stealing female fox fairies can now be explained by neurochemistry. But more than unraveling the mysteries of ancient Asian sexology, she has employed a cinematographer’s mastery of montage to craft a dazzling panorama of intimate personal experience, anecdote, ancient wisdom, philosophy, psychology, and medicine. The book’s content richness will satisfy scholars and scientists in many fields, but its wit and style will rivet any thoughtful man or woman who has ever stopped to reflect upon the human sexual tragicomedy.

Like a thriller that reveals its climax at the beginning, Robinson's book leaves the reader no less intrigued by every twist and turn of autobiography and intellectual inquiry to discover what brought her to such a revolutionary conclusion. She does not bow down to the idols of “ancient wisdom” or mainstream scientific consensus, but stands courageously on the two feet of the truth of her own experience and the latest discoveries in neuroscience. You may come to this book for advice on your sex life, but you will come away with something more like the Theory of Everything in human behavior. Marnia Robinson has brought so much humanity and humor to her quest that you may not even notice that she has skillfully used the most advanced scientific discoveries to salvage good old-fashioned romance.

Sex, avarice, and violence are the three two-edged swords of human evolution: how to tame sex without destroying love, how to tame avarice without destroying creativity, and how to tame violence without destroying courage have been the preoccupation of religion, politics, and philosophy from time immemorial. Somehow avarice and violence seem simple in comparison to sex, but Marnia Robinson has made, perhaps, the boldest and most thoroughgoing attempt to date. She aims to put your sex-life on a diet, but like all good diets, it is not about eating less as much as eating smarter. The sciences and social sciences have polarized along a nature-nurture axis, but Robinson has navigated a middle path between biological determinism and cultural construction to return to the Epicurean vision of using reason to refine pleasure.--Douglas Wile, PhD, author of "Art of the Bedchamber: The Chinese Sexual Yoga Classics Including Women's Solo Meditation Texts" [anthology and analysis of ancient Chinese sexual texts]

I can honestly say that I have never read a more accessible and well laid out description of the brain’s reward circuitry than this. Combine that with the experiential, practical and spiritual dimensions of the book, and it is virtually impossible to walk away from it without the feeling that Marnia really is on to something significant here in the field of human relationships and sexual behaviour.--Russell Razzaque, MD, psychiatrist, London, England

I'm sorry that it took me so long to get back to you. I may have told you that I just finished writing a textbook that I was working on for 6+ years (What Is Life? A Guide to Biology). It turned out really well, but I also got way behind in my correspondence over the last push to the finish line.

Anyway, I've just read your manuscript and it's really great. Congratulations on putting together such a well-written, provocative, and compelling book. I hope that it is tremendously successful. Your general idea that by understanding our biology and not blindly succumbing to the behaviors it nudges us toward as a way towards greater happiness is very consistent with the message of Mean Genes. You've taken it to a very different place than we wrote about, but it's a really intriguing idea you pursue and I applaud that.

Some general features that I really like about your book include that you've made it fun and funny while addressing an incredibly serious topic. That is a real achievement. You've also integrated anecdotes and data seamlessly. Reading your book, you'll be disappointed to hear, is a bit like eating junk food, in that it's easy and produces repeated blasts of satisfaction. Sorry.

I have just a few comments. I'm not a fan of the "trust your instincts" school. It's true that the paleolithic diet is better than the fat-laden diet most people consume. But I think the fact is, the reason we're so fat now is that we have much greater access to food. As cavemen we had insatiable appetites (they were selected for) and we still have them now. The only difference is that now they can lead to bad outcomes and previously they did not. So I think that undermines the message of "in our pleistocene world, our instincts were to be trusted."

I love the division of individuals into two different entities that can be thought of as "you." That really helps bring out the conflict between us and our genes.

Your description of the reward circuitry and the fact that we crave its stimulation rather than the behaviors associated with it is beautifully done. You've captured all of the subtlety of this idea without sacrificing accuracy.

Your general theme that the bonds that hold us together are more fragile than many people imagine is such a good one! I have always believed that. People imagine that they store up goodwill with their spouse/partner over the years, accumulating a stockpile of it that can protect their relationship in tough times. But it's just not true. We're all a lot closer to breaking up than we imagine. This isn't necessarily bad, though. The bad thing is to not be aware of it. With that knowledge, it can help us to focus on making our relationship a good deal for our partner all the time.

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing this with me and if there are other, specific ways that I can help you with this, don't hesitate to ask. [It was too late for back cover endorsements, but later on the publisher suggested a front cover one, and Jay said:

"Marnia Robinson's book takes a radical, compelling, vexing idea and runs with it. The deep intellectual analysis and engaging, entertaining prose work their way into your brain and demand attention. I can't stop thinking about this book."]--Jay Phelan, PhD, UCLA biology professor, and author of "Mean Genes."

This book by Marnia Robinson is a must-read for anyone interested in understanding sexual relationships. If you want to improve your relationship, this book is for you. With examples from her own relationship odyssey Marnia shows in an entertaining way that we are biologically programmed to fail, unless we focus on bonding rather than on orgasms in our relationships. She backs up this message with solid scientific evidence.

I found the book very well written, entertaining and educational, and just hope for the sake of all those struggling with their relationships that it becomes widely read and appreciated.--Walter Last, http://www.health-science-spirit.com/

I think your work is a particularly graceful blending of ancient wisdom and modern science.

With this book, you are up against a LOT of backwards thinking - but you really handle yourself and your work with expert skill and grace. M. P.

I just finished your manuscript. I found it to be a great read and filled with excellent observations, research and analysis. This is a fine and much needed, original contribution to the very needed dialogue on human intimacy. J.A.R., psychologist

Your book and your research is in one word brilliant! I have written and sold a book on personal growth here in The Netherlands in which I touch on the subject of the (addictive nature of) orgasm a little. Most writers avoid it all together. You have written about the missing link. I’m a Life & Business Coach and a lot of times the subject of sex and relationships comes up. Your book is a great help. The book (and the Dutch people) deserve a translation. I would love to help you with that. So many people struggle with these two colliding subconscious programs you so well described. We all do.

After reading your book, I believe that the new drug that songwriter Huey Lewis looked for was OXYTOCIN!

I want a new drug
One that wont make me sick
One that wont make me crash my car
Or make me feel three feet thick

I want a new drug
One that wont hurt my head
One that wont make my mouth too dry
Or make my eyes too red

One that wont make me nervous
Wondering what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when Im with you
When Im alone with you

I want a new drug
One that wont spill
One that dont cost too much
Or come in a pill

I want a new drug
One that wont go away
One that wont keep me up all night
One that wont make me sleep all day

One that wont make me nervous
Wondering what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when Im with you
When Im alone with you
Im alone with you baby

I just wanted to say how much I love this book! It's written so well and thoroughly, filling me with greater and greater confidence that someday I will be able to comfortably share it with someone else. A very nice thought.--MP, college student

I find Cupid's Poisoned Arrow (I pre-ordered it and devoured it in 3 days) such a brilliant ray of hope and much needed corrective to the corrosive societal mantra that marriage or long term relationships somehow need constant *work* to work. For the first time ever I feel like I've discovered 2 people WHO GET IT. Their discoveries and information need to be shouted from the rooftops. Cupid's Poisoned Arrow is very Tao, very Zen.

I want to tell you that I am "getting it" more and more. I have been abstaining from orgasm for quite a while now. And though it happens occasionally, I can feel a hugh overall difference in my craving patterns.

The concepts in you book also help me a lot in my work. I can't wait to see the German version printed. I will recommend the book and give it to almost everyone I meet who has relationship issues. It seems to be at the core of almost every love story.

I have also begun to talk about it in my online courses, and the women there were so THANKFUL for the information. Which has given me the idea to start an online workshop/exchange on this topic, once your book is printed, and use it as the basis. I can see how BIG the need is for your book, and I am sure people will want to be able to talk about it and have some exchange in German. So we might want to think about how this could be provided.

Great book. I am enjoying it very much and can't wait to finish it so i can start reading it again. L. K.

My friends kept taking my copy, so I finally ordered through Random House. I got 27 copies, and week 1, fifteen copies were sold. I am almost sold out of them now! Book is perfect!! J.R.Z.

I have to say, as much as I loved Peace, this one is sooooo much better. You two are so inspiring! Thank you for sharing what you've discovered with the rest of us. I'm telling everyone to read it.

I just wanted to add again how great I think the book is (I'm on Chapter 8 now), and how it's so much more than what you would believe it to be. I have learned so much about the way my brain works, about addiction, evolutionary psychology, the history of sexual attitudes throughout time, wow. I kind of feel like I've discovered a big secret mystery of how the world works, and it's going to be really hard to look at human relationships (and the relationship I have with my own feelings about life) the same way after this.

I picked up this really cool new book this morning. It's got a bright red cover (books sell better with some red on the cover, I know that, but this one is like, WoW) and the title is a little too clever for my taste, but the author is brilliant and really cares about what she is writing. (She is beautiful too if you can believe the picture in the back of the book.) I can't believe how much work she must have been doing for years to be able now to draw all this stuff together. Stuff from mysticism, stuff from several wisdom traditions about sexuality and its expression, cutting edge science -- apparently contributed by her husband -- about addiction and the reward chemistry in our brains. It comes as our society is being turned inside out by a force getting too little attention (but considering how many other forces are turning us inside out, it's is perhaps not surprising . . . ) internet pornography. The author draws the parallel between excessive and misguided food consumption causing a health crisis and excessive and misguided stimulation in the area of sex . . . just writing that, I realize how difficult it is to approach this subject in a way that does not over-simplify. Her approach is, despite a jaunty, even occasionally irreverent style, compassionate and thorough.

And the potential impact this could have on people's lives . . . and on our society . . . seems massive and fundamental.

[About Chapter Six, "The Road to Excess"] Thank you so much for writing this. It was great to read for many reasons. It is very well written. It is fascinating. It drew me along and I was very disappointed when I got to the end. And most importantly it provides what I think is one of the most important things: reasons to break the addiction. People may say they want to do something but without solid reasons that speak to ones values then there is no reason to change. I think this information would benefit many people. Well done and thanks again.

JPR Radio appearance - June, 2009

Congratulations! Your radio appearance came off very well. You explained the points very clearly and energetically. And dealt with those off-the-wall callers. -- P.S., psychologist

I was able to listen to you this morning on JPR. It was very interesting and impressive. You handled questions so well! Everything from passing on questions out of your realm or expertise, using thoughtful, careful, meaningful language, avoiding the frequent trap of dichotomy, balancing your own experience with research, and sidestepping fabricated controversy. I really appreciate your research and creativity in putting together new ideas.

Although I'm sure there are plenty of psychologists who envision themselves constrained by their ethical code intersecting DSM psychopathology, I'm also very confident there are plenty who would NOT see your perspective as compromising what they might offer a client(s) therapeutically. Probably even more so with other counseling professionals. -- D.H., psychologist

We enjoyed listening to your broadcast. You are really good on the air. It either comes naturally or from experience. It sounded like the host had read your book. That makes a big difference in how good the interview is. Think of all the relationships you could save. C&L S., married couple

ABC TV appearance - August, 2009

It was a pleasure having Marnia Robinson on "The View from the Bay." Her approach and demeanor were straightforward and candid. Crystal Mason, ABC 7/ KGO-TV

Awesome, coherent interview. D.A.

The segment was GREAT! I specifically liked that you have so much to share that you have written books on the subject, yet you can effortlessly share the information in a few minute segment without being pushy or talking a mile a minute. J.Z.

You did a stellar job on your TV appearance. M.P.

I find that the best talking heads (and there are some) are those who can speak on two levels at once: technical details or fresh insights for the sophisticated viewer and accessible food for thought for the high school graduate. You definitely have that knack (and in your writing, too) for reaching a broad audience with diverse backgrounds. Bravo! D.W.

You did a good job of packing the info into such a brief period and making it catchy.

Thought you did a great job, especially for your first time on TV. You looked great too. J.D., coach

You were a lovely, elegant, and graciously well-spoken presence on the program. It is said of old, that when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears. This satiated, dissatisfied, driven, desperate society is ready for your guiding gift. Thank you, Marnia. May your light amplify and expand. You are amazing, and a natural. I would NEVER have guessed in a million years that that was your very first television appearance. Your poise was completely convincing. D.C.

Congrats Marnia! We just watched you. I think you came off beautifully both visually and content-wise. Came across simple, clear, and appealing. We think you'll be wonderful on Oprah!. E. D.

Nicely done! You look fabulous and sounded great. J.R.

You are so brave to launch this radical hypothesis onto the airwaves. It is so hard to enter a NEW thought into our status quo social milieu. So good!

Marnia, you're awesome! Great job. D.R.

Wonderful job you did - so authentic and warm and inspiring. S.B.

[From radio show host, Portland, OR to friend who organized the interview.] That interview with Marnia is a sample of why I do radio. That show was so powerful that it should be life changing for my listeners. Tom Park, "Pathways"