Are You Stuck in Rage?

We are not therapists; we are an informal tribe. This is a community wiki, which anyone can improve. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

The feeling of powerlessness that I experienced during the time of re-training my angry reactions was devastating. I felt like I had no control over anything; but in reality I was giving up the illusion of control that the power of anger had given me, and instead was gaining real control -- over myself.—Recovered “rager”

This wiki is set up as follows:

  • Introduction (this page)
  • Returning the brain to balance
  • First-aid
  • Tools for the long haul
  • What doesn’t help
  • How to support someone suffering from rage

      • This is a tough planet. Terrible, unfair things happen to wonderful people. Perhaps you have just discovered that your beloved mate has been swept away by today’s Porn Tsunami and is regularly looking at things that affect his brain like crack—and make you retch. Perhaps you have yourself been sexually exploited or terrorized or injured. Whatever your reason, you are understandably feeling enraged—and probably sorry for yourself. (If you're not sure this material can help you, see Am I at risk for getting stuck in rage?)

      Extreme emotions are normal responses when intimacy proves treacherous. However, extreme emotions can get in the way of taking constructive action, and you will need to take constructive action to ensure that your future is happier than the present. If you have a problem to solve, you need both courage and clarity to solve it.

      Extreme emotions muddy your thinking. Why? Emotions equate with the release of neurochemicals in the brain. Extreme emotions, such as rage and self-pity, when engaged in often, can alter brain wiring—and perception. Over time, extreme emotions can make you hyper-reactive to anything your brain happens to associate with a past threat, as well as anything you perceive as a current threat.

      When neurochemical signals in the primitive part of the brain that governs emotions, drives and stress responses, get too loud, the rational brain doesn't stand a chance. For example, if you are sensitized to victim-aggressor cues, you may go on autopilot when you think you spot one. The primitive part of your brain takes over with its blinding emotions, and the rational part of your brain is no longer driving your bus.

      “If you’re feeling like a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” —Proverb

      You can also begin to take satisfaction in Rage Storms, in which you tell off others directly, or in your head. Each storm releases a flood of neurochemicals that make you feel better temporarily—at least when compared to the agony and despair of feeling betrayed and hopeless about the future.

      It’s surprisingly easy to get in the habit of Rage Storms. The ups and downs are similar to the neurochemical storms porn users experience. In both cases, neurochemical storms can be compelling because they temporarily counter painful feelings (such as, guilt, rage, shame, humiliation).

      Unfortunately, neither a rage storm nor a porn binge can heal pain, no matter how temporarily gratifying. Both are temporary fixes. You may also be appalled at the damage a storm does to yourself and your relations with those you depend upon for healthy connection. Chronic self-pity can be equally stressful.

      Finding ways to express yourself when you’re angry is a challenge. If you explode, you are likely to be harshly judged, shunned, or feel shame about your over-reactions. If you are tired of the miserable nightmare of “rage-highs and despair-lows,” and want to leave it behind, we hope you will find support here. In fact, we welcome you to become a treasured member of our tribe. We like feisty, insightful people and look forward to your wisdom and insights.

      You’ve all helped me to be okay with who I am. That is priceless. Priceless. As much pain as I've had... is as much loving appreciation I wanna feel. Thanks for having a place I could grow.—A site member

Wiki categories: 
rage