It's the first day of the rest of my life after my first night at home.

I find myself in a relatively good place sexually - over 2 weeks since Laurie and I had sex and more impressively, no masturbation for comfort over the 2 week period - in spite of some intense emotional pain during the same period.

I see my therapist later today - should be an interesting discussion with so much going on right now.

I watched a film last night where the parents of the hero had got to the stage where, as he put it, "they now dislike intensely all the character traits that had most attracted them to each other in the first place". The dad had moved out into a treehouse he had built; and the mum would be woken each morning by him yodelling from his verandah. She spent her days pulling weeds in her vegetable garden, affecting not to hear him whenever he called out to her. It was a comedy, but rather sad. The underlying impression was that they were desperate to reach out to each other, but had forgotten how.

It has been a while since I've posted. Welcome to all the newbies. It is good to have you all in our community.

I think I last wrote that I had over 30 days of abstinence/sobriety. I slipped a couple of weeks ago and have not been able to get back on the wagon. I've also totally lost interest in all of the 12-Step sexual recovery programs I've been attending for over two years. I've decided to let go of trying to count days and "trying" to stay abstinent. It hasn't worked.

After a few weeks of feeling generally lonely in my new apartment with Goldenheart gone and living in a new part of the city, I am now in another place of feeling sated with good company and grateful for the goodness of life. The I-ching I threw before moving into this apartment pointed to a general decline before a new flourishing. I have a growing inner awareness that I may just be standing at the edge of an abyss, a tipping point, a willingness - to actually let myself be happy, to actually let myself enjoy what I say i am ready for (a healthy, ecstatic, mutually nourishing partnership).

It's been a while, I think, since I actually wrote one of these that wasn't some sort of crisis message.I've been learning a lot about myself the last two weeks and a lot more about people in general.

I knew that this 4th of July was destined to be special but I had no idea just exactly how.

My musical project in New York has taken on a life of its own and so many good opportunities to play and record music have materialized that instead of flying home on the 4th, I extended my return to Monday.

In those rare, quiet moments afforded to me, I browsed Reuniting and consulted the Oracle for continuing insight on my circumstance. The advice is uncanny in its accuracy.

I still love you.

I don’t tell you that very often, because usually when I try to talk with you, I feel rejected, and I go away feeling hurt or angry. I wish we could talk with each other without so much stress.

Do you still love me, or at least, care about me? Sometimes I think you do. Sometimes you buy nice clothes for me. A week ago you told me “Don’t commit suicide” (by working so late). Why would you do or say those things if you don’t want me to be part of your life?

Hi all,

I've been reading posts and thinking about how to move forward now that I have this new perspective on all the intimate relationships in my life, whether or not sex is involved. I realize that I was using sex as a drug (and suffering the consequences of the highs and lows), while avoiding the pain of intimacy and of having to face life and death, and the question of how exactly I am choosing to spend my time here.

I am far away from Oregon in upstate New York and reminded of the wisdom:

Or as another modern day prophet put it to music:

So here I am - far away from my circumstance at home and it is a powerful tool to give me perspective on my life and what lies in my future.