Hi,
I was feeling super erotic today after I went to a Sunday morning dance jam in a sunny old ballroom on the 1940's side of town. I got stuck in traffic on the way home but the views were amazing! When I finally got home, I took a nap and then fantasized about, oh I don't know...men!

Then I snapped back into my body sense and had the thought, 'I should orgasm!' But then I said, nah, and I got up.

I have two violin heroes now--the first is my teacher, Sahara, and the second is a 24year old German-Slovakian-born prodigy who entered her country's college of music at the age of 9. My mom called to relate a similar story, and jibe me about being so very very old. My cat has moved up from the basement and into the adjacent room when I practice, a step up. He's learning to be patient with me. I'm going to ask Sahara to show me how to play four notes of a Bjork song that my choir group is rehearsaing. Is this love? xo

I have been orgasm free for almost three months now. I think of it as the beginning phase of an experiment to avoid dopamine related behavior. I began doing this seriously and not purely out of a what-the-hell-nothing-else-has-worked- type of attitude when I first understood an important idea about how we create our reality. Depending on how you like to think about it, we are being challenged by an intelligent life form, call it human, alien, your boyfriend, your mother, God-- to wake up.

I've been reading the love bite site, which posts the following mind control techniques. These techniques are ones I became aware of through two relationships which perhaps were actually engineered by aliens:

•Removing the person from their normal environment of influence
•Deprive them of sleep
•Pain if they disagree, pleasure if they agree
•Change in biochemistry

Something like a month has gone by since I started my experiments.

I think it was quitting alcohol that was so hard. Really, really hard. Pete helped me with that, saying I could call 24/7. I didn't actually have to do that, but it was good to know I could.

On the other hand, having orgasms I think I can handle, kind of, as long as I don't have one too often. I have limited myself to one a week. I can handle that.

It will be my birthday soon. My mom took me to dinner last night and handed me a gift-wrapped, oddly shaped box, saying, "Here, this is something you can grow with." It was a beginner violin, and I'm already in love with it.

One week and counting...
One week orgasm free. No longer looking for an intense pay-off from life, I am experiencing emptiness, slow and sweet, and there is this sense of space, that empty nothingness that has a special quality. Is this heart energy? We all want to be taken to the edge of ourselves, but maybe it's better to approach it gently, and learn the art of returning home again gracefully.

Ego Battles

Telling people that sex is the cause of their relationship woes is not making me a popular speaker. But at least I know what turning a deaf ear actually looks like now.

I have been a very diligent scientist the past week or so, keeping my brain waves at a moderate rhythm, being careful not to overexcite myself, during the course of which I found out what my temptations are, and how to solve the problem once I find that I am hooked.

At Pete's, thinking about eternal love...

Listening to Pete and his girlfriend arguing over the phone. I'm sitting at Pete's computer reading
about Karezza and contemplating the images along side the article, the images of
passionate kisses. What a beautiful sight, my mind goes wild imagining the most passionate
soul kiss of eternity in sunlight. I do illustrations, so am inspired right now. Wouldn't it be nice
to spend all of life contemplating such things. Ah well. I'm new at this, and so will take it slow.

xo

I'm trying to record what it's like to consciously rewire my brain...

Have been meditating a lot lately...not going in for any extreme dopamine highs, just very pleasant long mellow experiences. What dopamine spikes I do have are rock climbing at the gym, tennis, and motorcycle rides (and writing this blog). The motorcycle rides are infrequent, I'm a passenger and I'm actually a very cautious person, but the view is so beautiful (the Berkeley hills), that I get over my fear and anxiety pretty quick.