JaylBreak's blog

I'm JaylBreak's medulla oblongata. Without me JaylBreak wouldn't be able to regulate basic bodily functions that allow him to lead his boring life. JaylBreak is fast asleep right now. If he was conscious he would realize he's a complete cluster f*#!. Been stressed at work, been stressed about applying to schools, still struggling to get over his ex. He wishes he could hit the reset button in his life and just start all over. But something's holiding him back.

I'm going crazy over here. My hormones are bringing a primal anger out of me. I can't stop my brain from objectifying women. There are so many attractive women out there. Arghhh. I need the next two months to fly by. I doubt that will happen though. Oh well - white-knuckling it over here!

I was clean for 2 weeks over the holidays. Back to my lonely apartment again. Broke yesterday and then once more today. Back to 0, back to blogging. Nothing more to say.

I'm just completely angry at my ex today. For leaving me heartbroken. I was the sweetest guy in the world to her, took care of her, chivalrous, charming, etc... And she still left me! Oh and btw - she herself has told me I was all of things so I'm not imagining it either. Anyway, she seems to just run from the problems in her life so she decided she wanted to run from this too. She tells me it's not me, it's her but whatever. As far I'm concerned she's just being a bit of a bitch right now. I let her have it a little today since she had no reason to do that to me!!

I think I'm done beating myself up for now. I got a really good nights sleep and feeling relaxed. I have a lot of studying to do so it feels like a good day to stay in and just get some work done. I've had the ocassional inkling to look at porn while I was angry at myself yesterday but no substantial desire yet. I can't wait to hit that 2-month mark again and to be balanced once again. Onwards with the recovery.

Alright... So I had a fling 2 nights ago. Never had one in my life but this cute blonde came on to me at the bar. Many drinks later she ends up passed out in my bed and I was more than happy to leave it at that. She then proceeds to wake me up at 4 am for some hot passionate sex, which it so wasn't! I've never had a one-night stand before and although I thought it was the right decision in my drunken state, it wasn't!! It was just a bad drunken night and I don't think I've felt crappier... in my entire life!!!

I haven't felt this bad in a while. My head is pounding from the hangover. All I want to do right now is crawl into bed and sleep. I feel angry at the world, angry at myself. I had so much and lost it all. I guess it's all a part of my recovery. I'm definitely in the dumps right now.

I'm back! Since there are a few new faces around, I'll give a quick recap of my story. I'm 29 and had/have been struggling with the addiction since my teens. About 2 years ago, I found this site and vowed to get over my addiction. I had some good stretches and some bad ones but about a year ago I got over a huge hurdle. I finally got enough of a grip that I had my 2nd meaningful relationship of my life.

It feels like it's time for another post. Today is day 21 without orgasm. I have viewed porn a few times in the last 3 weeks and had 1 wet dream. Despite that, I feel again. I feel emotions again. I think drastic changes in lifestyle throw me for a spin. Fortunately I've been able to keep things at a constant recently - exercise, eating, lifestyle. As for the porn viewing, it was around 1.5 weeks when I started looking at it again and for some reason it's been less stimulating every time I go back to it.

So after thinking I was going strong I got pulled into the cycle again. It happened gradually as I let my primitive brain convince my conscious mind that the next step isn't going to hurt... until it did. It was a day of tough battle. I'm not surprised I broke down though since I went from not having to worry about it to being alone again. In any case, part way through day 1 already. Keep on trucking...