Today I felt rather moody. A bit depressed, probably due to stress. Had some ocd and self defeated thought patterns. I felt numb like nothing was worthwhile...then had porn images in my head that were taunting me. It's been a hell of a battle this week. I don't want to slip up though, I want to see what I'll feel like at 2 months atleast. I've had a few minor pains in the groin area, which usually happens about this time. (it tends to go away later though) I just felt like I had so much sexual energy I was gonna go nuts.

Been brooding over the fact that my ex (son's mom) is trying to get under my skin via text. Basically she's trying to pawn my son off on me, and since I have relatives in town she feels that she can pawn him off on them. Without consideration for the fact that I did off work around 11 Sunday night, so I the next day watched him from 7ish to noon. Then day after 7:30am to 12ish. So she tried pushing my buttons by typing in all caps to rudely ask me when I'm going to watch him. So, I told her I'd let her know if my schedule changes.

I've been feeling passive and unmotivated lately. I've also had some mood spells, feeling depressed, restless or just "off". I don't feel like being social and I'm having stronger cravings. I'm still keeping the beast at bay though. Hopefully this will all pass...I have family coming in from out of town so I hope my mood will change in the next few hours.

Over the past week I've been able to say "Hi" to women. Or make small talk with them. Now usually I'd be too afraid. And I don't use any pickup method (just doesn't work for me), I'm all about being natural. (which works quite well) So today I'm just dressed in shirt and jeans, nothin' special. And I see this really pretty girl on the other side of the street all dolled up. Well she was waiting for the same bus and came over to my side, after seeing it. Now I think she's cute but, I just act like I'm not interested.

I didn't sleep too well last night. Probably due to the act or just having things on my mind. Last week was a difficult week. But, now that my friend will be busy I'll have more time for introspection and recuperation. I've been lazy with exercising and tired from working (early shifts and afternoon shift changes). I know what triggered my relapse. I feel anxious and a bit slow, like I can't really organize my thoughts. I need to change my daily routine, today I'm going to do that. Eat at a certain time, sleep at a certain time.

Feeling moody, woke up and I was okay. Met up with my ex's mom to watch my son for 3 hours. She was polite and civil. It was very hot outside(so I didn't didn't want to take him to the park) so we just stayed around the mall. He had alot of fun with the rides. So then later, his great grandad showed up to take him to his house. The conversation was civil, the only thing that bothered me after that was that he asked me if I had work. Which I didn't have work today.

The urges are minimal, I did feel a lil' sick over the past few days. Though, it was nothing major. I'm feeling tired and my body aches, but I'm used to this. It will pass as the days progress. I've been playing guitar and drawing alot in my free time. Just experimenting with different things to maybe open some doors. Just really pushing myself...I want to make a better life for me. I'm doing good at my job. but sometimes I still feel like a leaf that is blown about by the wind...I don't like to compare myself to others.

I'm currently on Day 11 of my previous run. Now day 0 after giving in. I've had a lot on my mind. So of course the addictive mind was proposing a superficial solution. I looked at some porn, didn't find it particularly arousing. I was about to close the window but then thought, oh I already gave in and watched the videos. So, then I went back to it. I've made some small progress til today. But, that's all part of the process. I had to file a complaint due to my landlord not fixing the problems I'm in my apartment. I've been a bit more aggressive this week, just moody.

So, I've been recording my voice and working on my vocal projection, articulation of words and overall delivery. I'm soft spoken and I need to break that (as a man especially!). I've had bad experiences where people thought I was the push over type. Often times they'd say I was too laid back or too calm. Which brings up another topic: during my childhood I was played on ritalin because, the teacher said I was a disturbance. But I personally remember days where I was just not interested in math. Yet I was very artistic, always drawing.

I'm on day 5, feeling very depressed. Dealing with being lonely but also I'm going to be honest. Over the past two weeks I've been going out to bars with this new friend of mine. He's all into Pua techniques, personally I don't feel comfortable using the techniques. But I thought what the hell why not? I'm really starting to doubt this stuff yet, I do want to get over my approach anxiety for nighttime events.