ineedstrength's blog

Things are going really well with my girlfriend and I. I had dinner with her family a few weeks ago, they love me! She's sweet and understanding, we have our lil moments but we get over them. I'm really happy that we met! Just thought I'd give an update.

So, I've been dating my girlfriend for a month now. The relationship is good. I just have one gripe, that she gets mad if she doesn't get her way. Like I work 36 hours a week and she doesn't work, she doesn't understand that I don't always have the energy to stay up during the night. I don't have a problem if I'm off that day, I have more energy then and I'm in a better mood. But after working an 8 hour shift...I just want to relax. My sex drive just feels low lately.

So things are going pretty well with my new female friend and I. Now we're actually an item. She's deeply into me and everything but,(you know there was going to be a but thrown in) it bothers me that she'll say a guy is cute. Well we were online and she was like i don't know who that is but he's cute, oh its such and such. (a mutual acquaintance) I don't know why but I felt jealous. I mean she said my other friend's boyfriend was cute and that didn't bother me. So why does it bother me when she said this guy is cute. Is it because they have class together?

im seeing a girl, who I met through a friend. So things started off innocent then there was some foreplay. But we still cuddled and shared physical touch. During foreplay I noticed some erection problems with my penis, I don't know whether it was due to her not knowing my body, me being stressed or withdrawal from porn. (I've had some major mood swings and OCD this week too) Anyway, this new girl really likes to spend time with me, she spent the night twice this week. We usually hold hands, cuddle and she accepts the physical touch.

Its something about the first few days where the depression and loneliness really do a number on me. Usually I would find a way to get out and socialize, but because I have no transportation I'm going to be stuck on my days off this week. I really wanted to get out. But I don't have any cash for the bus so I'm stuck inside, at least until pay day Friday. Its like I know what I want to do but, I'm not very patient, especially feeling down like this. I like to direct my life and have it constantly moving. I hate being slowed down. Because, that means I'm delayed in getting what I want.

So I'm back at Day 0. I had a crazy weekend, I went out with friends from work. Went to a bar, got drunk, got three girls numbers. The next day one actually responded, though I think she was thinking "Oh no I gave him my number." So she didn't respond anymore. It didn't matter I could easily get numbers again. So I ended up crashing at a friend's house. So he took me home and I sobered up all day, playing guitar. The symptoms weren't too bad, I did notice that I was more aggressive in dealing with people.

So I had slipped up earlier last week but I'm at day 4 today. I've been trying to keep myself busy with just practicing guitar for hours on end (I really want to get better because I just love playing so much). I had felt a lil' lonely earlier in the week but it wasn't really bothering me. I did have some past wounds related to my ex. Which I will be seeking therapy for, I have trust issues with women. I mean I was at work and this girl who I think may like me smiled at me and I was really scared of that.

Feeling pretty anxious, a bit drained. I'm still able to be social, libido is way down. Went to a bar to just chill out, on my way end two girls pulling away in a car looked my way. :) So then I had a few drinks, I just talked to some guys about music. I asked people what their favorite songs were. Because I needed to compile a list of songs to learn. I saw some cute girls with two other guys, I wasn't really feeling attraction from them so I didn't pursue them. That and they were too far for me to walk over to them.

I had slipped sometime last week, which ended in me binging, recovering for a day, binging again and now here I am. Throughout all that I was still able to talk to girls, flirting with girls at work and just going out and socializing with them. I did get one girls number, found out she had a girlfriend but it was all good. She could help bring people to my show, after I get my band together. I'm pretty sore and achey, I don't feel like doing much of anything. I am just going to stay away from porn, and to be honest I did a lil' better than I had in the past.

Today I felt rather moody. A bit depressed, probably due to stress. Had some ocd and self defeated thought patterns. I felt numb like nothing was worthwhile...then had porn images in my head that were taunting me. It's been a hell of a battle this week. I don't want to slip up though, I want to see what I'll feel like at 2 months atleast. I've had a few minor pains in the groin area, which usually happens about this time. (it tends to go away later though) I just felt like I had so much sexual energy I was gonna go nuts.