20UK's blog

I'm currently enduring a combination of both shock and being pretty damn proud of myself.

So I've gone 5 weeks and a day! I've hit my previous mark and done an extra day, so I'm pretty happy about that right now!
The incident at the bowling alley has stopped making me angry, I've just accepted that it happened and I can't do anything about it. I just want to thank everyone who posted on my last blog about that, you really cheered me up.

I've noticed I hit a bit of a flatline over the last few days, women on tv no longer give me that "tingling" feeling and passing attractive women on the street isn't the same it was a week ago, but I noticed something interesting..

I wanted to update at 5 weeks exactly, I'm two days off but I felt like I had to journal here after something that happened last night. Its more personal than porn related, I hope no one minds. Sorry if its pretty lengthy.
I, my girlfriend and some friends decided to go to the local bowling alley/entertainment complex to have fun and to do something typically different than going to pubs and getting drunk. I thought this was excellent, as since starting the reboot I've decided to avoid alcohol as much as possible.

Today marks four weeks PMO free, aside from a short, non-orgasmic intercourse session with my girlfriend that caused one or two ripples. If anything though, that intercourse session showed me that my sensitivity in my penis has improved considerably, I could feel every movement, every motion, our bodies just combined and it was perfect and magical.. But I stopped it because I started getting porn flashbacks again. I've decided to go another six weeks and have orgasmic intercourse then and see what happens, although I speculate I'll be fine.

24 days today, I'm doing quite well. Had a MASSIVE headache yesterday, it hurt so bad that my eyes actually felt sore, I took some tablets and went to bed early and it cleared up by this morning, it may have been a withdrawal symptom, I'm not sure.

Because I managed to go the three week mark I decided to treat myself today, after going on a short course this morning I stopped at Mc'donalds and got myself a treat.

So I made it past two weeks, today marks probably the 20th time I've got this far, usually I relapse around the 3rd-4th week, either through sex or porn. My girlfriend has agreed to put our sex life on hiatus until around mid October, when I will have done 9/10 weeks ish, I think thats a decent enough mark, since people seem to be rebooting at 6-8 weeks on average.

Almost two weeks PMO free again, its definately got a little harder than last time.
Yesterday and especially today have been particular hard, HOCD and anxiety has come flooding back, It's driving me crazy again, BUT.. I've just accepted its there and probably will be for the rest of second week. I have some nice things to look forward to week-after-next so I'm just keeping those in mind and trying to block out the crazy thoughts.

I don't update as often as I would like to these days but I'm trying to occupy myself as much as possible, plus my social life has grown in heaps and bounds lately.

When I first came to reuniting, I was terrified because of an addiction to what I *thought* was just a particular type of porn/fetish, now, having "un-wired" this fetish, I've come to realize the core damage that regular porn did to me is still very much intact, its still got its pull. I use "regular" lightly here, as really to an addict regular porn isn't regular at all.

I haven't posted in my blog in such a long time, I've been pretty busy with life in general while making good progress with my addiction.

Arousal for transexual porn has practically vanished, I've been without it for so long now, I barely remember most of it, part of me wonders why I even got hooked on it in the first place, it feels like it was someone else who spent hours everyday pouring through transexual imagery and videos.

So I've been trying to quit for a while now, over a year-ish.
I've had my ups and downs, I was heavily into transgender porn, but gradually lost interest in it
by avoiding it and relapsing to strait porn.

I spent the last two weeks or so, viewing strait porn and solo girl images as well as some lesbian porn, it was
like my porn induced desires flipped, the arousal levels I had for transexual porn, became my arousal levels
for strait porn, coincedently, the longer I go without transexual porn, the less it arouses me and the more strait
porn/normal women arouse me.