Well my friends, I am back after just over a year. I'm sorry I took a hiatus sometime in the middle of summer. At some point I basically thought, "well porn is here to stay" kind of like the iPhone. I thought that it was extreme to cut it out completely and that it, like anything, in moderation would be OK. I still somewhat think this.
I don't know about any of you, but as I have stopped PMOing and stopped smoking, I have noticed my life and general mood oscilating between cycles. I will feel really great one day, and like I've figured it all out, that I will get what I want, that the future is bright. And then some things will happen that is interpreted by you to mean you're not whatever enough to get what you want in life and you become sad and depressed. At this point you generally turn to PMO.
I think it's been about 25 or so days of not PMO -- not even M a little. Nothing.
And the side effect has been what I believe to be the restoration of my proper libido. The discomfort from not PMOing and is repaid in full by the ability to genuinely feel sexually attracted to a women. It's like starting to walk again after being paralyzed. It's like seeing for the first time after being blind. It's like hearing music for the first time.
I have never had a wet dream before because since I was like, quite young, I have been PMOing so my body didn't need it. Now its about Day 10 into my second attempt at full reboot and complete no PMO. I would like to experience a wet dream. But my body is completely not used to having it! How many days will it be -- or will I ever get them?
So after your helpful advice on my last post and my need to "keep the revolution going", the personal change in my life will not be complete until I cut out PMO and replace it with real girls.
I have been meeting tons of girls who I find attractive, but I'm not getting much spontaneous penis movement. Except for TODAY when I saw this girl on the bus with a really nice ass and it moved into half erection on its own, and I was happy at that sign -- first time in a while!
I'm down to about 1 or 2 days of PMO per week, in my attempt to wean myself away from P. However, I am not sure it's working so well.
Like smoking, I figure that while it takes discipline to not smoke at all, the greatest discipline is to have only one cigarette, but decline the second. I thought similar things about PMO. 'Well, I'll PMO if I really want it, if I need a good night's sleep for the test tomorrow' or some other excuse.
I write this because I noticed that everyone's posts about relapse has an air of guilt, shame and anger at onself for "giving in". I myself experienced this -- and I have to admit -- I fell off often. But often when I've give in and PMO'ed I don't actually feel bad about it, and I wouldn't say it drained my sexual energy to zero. Even after I have relapsed, I would still say my addiction to P is less and my overall control over my horny states is still improved, compared to before re-boot.
I'm not sure which Day it is, because I forgot exactly. I only remembered the Days because I used to write these updates, but since the site's been down, I just forgot.
At any rate the specific number of days aren't important. Basically since I started, I went 1 week without PMO, then 2 weeks, then 1 week, then pretty much its that I get hold it for one week, but give in. It really is just addictive as smoking, and who stops smoking in the first try.
I think I put too much pressure on myself with no PMO and this 'no thinking about girls' thing which totally did not work out.
The path from regular internet to porn is extremely quick: I was first looking at this youtube video, then on the side there was a hot girl in a skimpy dress and I figure "oh well its not porn, its just youtube" but then it was a slippery slope. Coupled with the fact that I got pretty upset last night at the bar, waking up hungover, feeling the urge and saying FUCK IT, I slipped up and PMO'ed with a chaser.
Today was probably the hardest day of everything so far. I was surprised by the physical hardship inflicted upon my body by my mind. I was extremely irritable, extremely angry for the whole day at nothing in particular -- and I'm usually quite chill. It was my body wasn't getting something, and was rebelling. I should explain further: it was not just a reaction to no PMO, it was a reaction to not checking out or thinking about women AT ALL.