arborrider10's blog

So last night I was up all night looking at porn. And I was a hour late for work. I dont think I am going to be fired. But again this problem is effecting me. I dont know what to do. I know i need to stop, i know why this behavior is harmful and yet i go back. I have tried getting rid of my computer, puting locks in and other methods and I always go back.

So I should mention that i developed this bad twist to my porn addiction. I developed another addiction as well. I have been chewing tobacco for some time and started chewing while viewing porn and so on.

So i quit tobacco for two years and then started up again.
So quitting tobacco is elevating my desire to view porn. I am on the patch again and iam trying to quit again. Today was my 5th not chewing. I also noticed that when i did look at porn, it was a quick viewing 20 mins or so. Compared to much longer times in the past.

Anyhow, I have noticed a few things over the past few days.

Does any one have a document that describes what the results mean on the SICAS spread sheet graph

thanks

So a few months ago i downloaded the withdrawal spreed sheet. It has about 20 questions you answer 0-5 and then it charts out dopamine levels in relation to the days one has abstained from P/M/O

Does anyone have a document that explains the results

thanks

So i downloaded self control and I am running it now. You need to click the whitelist setting in order for it work, this will disable the internet completely but allow only sites you want acess to while it is running.
So i put this site and your brain on porn on the whitelist.

Now in order to not look at porn, i need to make a reinforcing action, by "turning it on" Iam saying to my brain, you are not getting turned on in the fashion it has come to expect.

So it is official. I have had enough of this porn and masturbation thing. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how alone it makes me feel. I hate how iam almost 27 years old and i have this problem and more importantly i hate how it amplify's my loneliness and the thoughts that i have not had a girl friend is sooo long. It scares the hell out of me, that i could go through life alone and be 50 years old and looking at fake boobs on 19 year old pornstars.

I want what my parents have, a good life, kids and growing old together.

So 6 months later, still looking at porn, multiple times a day. And i feel like i cant stop. I have tryed many times before and they all fail. I know i have to hang in and keep trying, but part of me doesnt want to stop. I like how it makes me feel. i dont like doing it. I know its a docter jeklye mr hyde thing two part brain. But that does deter me........

bummed out, but lots of snow on the way in north which meand fluffy pillows of snow to ride and trees to explored.

Ok, so I have been learning about the addiction. I have learned about the brain and why addiction is so strong. So ultimately it is fact, pornography is bad for a person, and one can not use it like a drug.
As i mentioned before in other blog posts, i also have a chewing tobacco addiction. However i have been using a nicotine withdrawal patch system to manage quitting. So tonight marks 1 week with tobacco. Which i feel is a start.
However, my porn habit is still not under control. I have still been looking at porn at night.

So i was thinking is it possible, that I am doing all i can. trying to work the big book, work some public service, read about adicition and become educated? But still deep down i dont want to stop looking at habbit? is it possible that iam keeping myself from succeeding? That I am not full committed. I was talking with my dad and we were talking about how i have always not really like being uncomfortable and that i take the easy way out alot of the time. Is it possible on the surface iam doing what i can do, but deep down iam really just not putting my heart and soul into this.

So i was able to make it 5 days. Longest i have gone since Nov with out looking at porn.
Here is what i did during those 5 days.

1. Exercised daily
2. I was going to bed late because i was working late the past few nights
3. Read my big book, spoke with my sponsor twice during the week and accepted i had a problem and that i need help.
4. Installed k-9 on my computer.