ArcticFox's blog

Two weeks ago I had an orgasm with the power of thought after two months of abstinence. After that I've had several similar relapses. Controlling thoughts is lot more difficult than controlling hands.

Maybe this happened partly because these two weeks were quite stressful with lot of sitting and reading. I had very little time for walking which is very effective against horniness.

At three in the morning I was half awake, half asleep and had an erection. Some wet dreams came into my mind, my penis pulsated, touched the blanket and I had an orgasm. So I'm back to day 0. But in contrast to the previous day 0 I'm feeling just GREAT! And the orgasm was probably the best I've ever had... The next goal is to abstain from orgasms until July.

The fight for dominance over my body is still going on. Neo-cortex seized power for three weeks ago but the mammalian brain has been able to cause several disturbances in balance. Neo-cortex has, however, managed to suppress all attempts to a rebellion and its position seems unthreatened.

In other words:

Today some part of me wants to have an orgasm. I have no difficulties in suppressing these desires but it prevents me from concentrating on some more important issues. Well, this will surely go over in a few days.

Anxiety was the feeling of yesterday. I could hardly breathe, I felt pain in my heart and could only think about things that are going wrong. I seriously considered buying some hemp rope and bring this miserable caricature of life to an end.

Then I thought of the time when I was still struggling with the urge to masturbate a couple of weeks ago. What made me endure it was the conviction that it will go over. So I tried the same strategy. "This is my body's way of telling me that I should stay under the blanket and forget everything else for a while", I told myself.

Almost four weeks behind. I'm still having difficulties in sleeping. I only get 5 hours of good sleep at night, which makes me so tired that I am tempted to take naps during the day. Now I've decided to stay awake all day no matter how tired I get so I maybe get my sleeping pattern straight.

The last few days I've felt exceptionally happy all the time. Without any kind of negative thoughts. I have even got more social than I used to be. I take part in conversations and people (even women!) spontaneously start talking to me.

The depression of yesterday is gone. I'm happy. Well, maybe slightly anxious. I'm just as alone as yesterday but it doesn't bother me. I managed to sit down and study for a few hours in the morning. It's getting better all the time. I guess studying, too, is something you have to get used to before you can do it all day long.

I'm still sleeping quite little. 5 h/night at most. But this is not a big problem.

I'ts my 20th day without orgasm or porn. I haven't had any interest in masturbation for a few days. The feeling which has governed me for over a decade is gone. So it seems that I have reached my goal. At least if that feeling doesn't come back. Which it probably will. Anyway, I think the worst is over.

The whole withdrawal went like this:
2 days sober - relapse - 9 days sober - relapse - 23 days sober - relapse - 20 days sober --> Free of addiction (?).

But...

It works!

Two weeks without orgasm. Today was the first day when I woke up without any urge to masturbate. I just felt hungry and went straight to kitchen to make breakfast.

I even managed to study a little. Not very much but still more than nothing. Next weekend I might be doing quite fine.

Today I got inspired to clean my apartment after years of neglect and living in filth. It took my thoughts away from "it" and I was rather pleased with the result. Then I started collecting all the loose papers lying around and organised them into files. I'm quite satisfied with myself and with my home. I have achieved something. Even if I failed to study, which I definetely should have been doing.

As long as I'm walking or doing something with my hands, I'm fine. Sitting down and concentrating on something is nearly impossible. My body starts begging for an orgasm. So I probably won't be able to accomplish anything this month. But I'm counting on being a lot more effective next month.

Sleeping is getting easier. Last night I slept six hours. That's four hours more that two nights ago.

My mood is going up and down.