Aurelian's blog

my Courtly Companion?

I'm back. Not from Afghanistan where I currently am and, no, I didn't fall off the wagon. Realizing some things about myself. I really don't understand a freakin thing about women. I do not understand the code that goes on when a woman shows interest even just as a friend. I just don't get it. I am not interested in a relationship at all, but, I have just noticed I can't even communicate with women. I just do not have the patience to play this game. Small talk just drives me up the wall and I never managed a taste for it. Most times I am the silent one in the group.

Well, this is it. I would like to thank Marnia for helping me along in this journey and to everone who took time to comment. I have learned much and will continue to learn. Best to all.

Porn is pretty much off my radar screen. I am really starting to react the way a non addicted person should react to sex. I am back to getting the traditional woody in the morning and that feels good.

I am leaving for deployment next Thursday and will be shutting the blog down. It has been very helpful for getting things on the table and for discussing things I was frightened to discuss.

I have been much too busy getting ready for deployment to think about anything other than that. It seems my coping strategies have been working well and my lust for porn has been rearing its head fewer and fewer times. Still keeping my guard up though....

I am looking foward to this and to the start of a new chapter in my life. Every issue I have had has been resolved. Now its time to start anew.

My cravings for porn are starting to abate. Possibly its my impending deployment or something else. However I cannot let my guard down. This may be a respite that will start up again or something else. Who knows.

Today is overcast, raining and stay in bed weather. I must really be into this now. I have noticed that I am so sensitive that I could orgasm with the wrong sequence of thoughts. I noticed it because the movie in my head was going but I felt a strange but familiar sensation. My first thought was "oh no, not gonna let THAT happen". I know that if I did not divert my thoughts the outcome would have been....interesting. Never experienced that before. Means I really have to control my thoughts.

That is exactly what it feels like. Battle is joined in earnest now. Constant "home movies" in my skull, the shove toward porn, turning thoughts to other direction and sickness. I have averaged maybe four hours or less of sleep a night since beginning the process of kicking this habit. It's the excitment you get from anticipating orgasm. The withdrawl is really intense now. I am physically ill right now. I appreciate the comments people have left. Gives me strength to "carry on".

Today was a relatively good day. However I had really extreme swings in the need for that sexual high. Got through it by running and keeping busy. Once the cinema in your head starts it is very hard to turn it off!! Going through withdrawl makes the images really seem life like.

This begins my journey of getting back to "natural love". Porn has absolutely wrecked my intimate life and I have to get back on track. Since I have ADD the need for constant stimulation is intense and porn filled that need. Time to adjust. The first few days without the high provided by porn is precisely like withdrawl from a drug. I found myself actually in bed with a low growl resisting the pull to porn. This is by far the toughest thing I have ever had to do but I am going to succeed.