Conflict's blog

Haven't posted in a while, at least it feels like it hasn't been a while. My goal was to not post here until I had some good news, rather than the same crap. But I can't seem to make it a weak without P and MB.

Seeing all the posts here from people in recovery and actually making it happen, makes me feel like a loser. I'm really depressed lately...like severely. Life feels like a nightmare lately and the lines between fantasy and reality are totally blurred. I want to sleep and not be awake.

Is there any real truth behind this belief? I'm really freak out, because at 26 years old, I notice my hair is very thin and under bright lights, you can see through it. It causes me distress to think I am losing my hair. I'm even going gray at 26! I hate it. I'm only 5-foot-6 and still very young looking. It sucks to think I'm going to be short, bald and graying at such a young age.

I should also note that my hair is very long too. Maybe I need regular trims? I know I can use a change in diet, for sure.

PORN, SEXUAL FANTASY = Gets me off

But does it make me happy? No. It's a total temporary pleasure with no positive long term effect.

Looking back on the short time I spent with my now ex-girlfriend. It wasn't the sex that gives me long term memories, but the time we spent in bed together. I remember the sex, but what I remember smiling the most about was the Kissing, laughing, touching, talking, laughing and being silly, etc. The comfort and the way she smelt when she crawled into the bed after taking a shower.

I've been in a very dark place lately. I have this feeling that I am tainted and that I've reached a point of no return, with the things my eyes have witnessed and conversations I've taken part in. I've seen underbellies of humanity that I don't think my mind will ever be able to erase. The most sickening part of it all, is that I feel apart of them. I keep picking my brain trying to find reasons for why I've been so compelled by that which only be described as abnormal.

"when a male doesn't orgasm for 3 months, his testosterone levels drop to that of a child."

Been a while, I think. I didn't want to post here until I had something good to say, but I don't.

What a roller coaster I am. I just can't recover. I'm really starting to wonder if I should just learn to deal with it. I get these moments of being bored and feeling lazy and I just go to lay down, then my mind drifts off into porn land. One I start, it becomes an all night thing.

Damn, what a roller coaster. Last week, I only masturbated five times! That might not seem like much of a recovery, but for me, it's a step in the right direction. However, this weekend I slipped down the slope pretty fast and now I find myself feeling pretty depleted and worthless.

I did notice a difference last week, even with the five relapses. After only three days (yes, I made it past the three day mark), I noticed my desire and response to women increased. Also, all the other stuff was beginning to seem much more unappealing.

A few days ago, I developed an abscessed tooth. Eventually, it drove me to the hospital were I was given penicillin and Oxycodone for a painkiller. It made me feel useless and didn't do anything expect make me sleep for short periods of time, but they felt like an eternity. It did however slow my mind down a bit. My thoughts were the usual, but it also created major depression.

Anyway, now that I stopped the Oxycodone and took regular asprin, I feel better and the abscess has seemed to haven broken.

I know I have many disorders. I really feel like a defected person over how many different ones I have.

I've shown signs of:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

But in my life, I was only professionally diagnosed with one Disorder, and that's ADD. I can't remember exactly how it happened. A teacher of mine noticed it and brought it up to me. Later on, I went to see the schools guidance counselor (something I did very often throughout my years in school).

"You are not who you think you are, you are not what others think you are. You are what you THINK others think you are".

Please, tell me this isn't true.