couldnine's blog

There is a girl back in my life finally. It's only been the entire year now without her. It's been interesting. I've gotten curious, because we've always been really compassionate in terms of all the features talked about in Cupid: smiling, eye contact, massages, cuddling, the whole nine yards and I even think we've done this gentle love making. Now, we've not done the deed as we both see the virtue in these ideas...HOWEVER, HOWEVER, are the exercises really necessary. I think that at times they are kind of silly even...can't we just have sex only gently without the orgasm?

A big thank you to this forum again. It's a great thing for all of us I think.

I'm slowly Re-reading Cupid's Poisoned Arrow.

Now, I worry that this will confuse people in that it will seem like a sales pitch, but the book is replete with wisdom. I think the great thing about it is that it uses knowledge that already existed. It sews these pieces together which have been waiting for it.

It seems like I've been searching for more weird and obscure porn. I don't know, things I would never look at. Anyway, I feel like I'm sort of going to get the hang of this if I can keep my mind generally occupied on healthy things. I don't know if goals work, I have set many goals and never look into them again, for decades even. I get inspired and so that's not going to work. The meditation, I've got to keep with the meditation, and reading. I'm reading this book about a rock star, and the guy has sex and does drugs pretty much the entire time. That's his whole life.

There are a whole slew of male/female jokes that are really stereotypical that just go out the window after finding this site.
Such as...
http://i.imgur.com/pLCYz.jpg
amongst many many others. It's funny because I'm not really able to talk to friends about this yet, only I really think it could be one of the most powerful things I may ever be able to tell them about. I say that because, I feel like I'm privvy to all these inside jokes, that are known only to me and this forum.

I've got the K-9 blocker on the two computers I use here at home. I think it will be helpful. I just rebuilt my own computer and it was the second thing to go on it. The Microsoft Security Essentials are also fantastic. From what I've read it's the best way to keep bad stuff off of computers. I have ruined a lot of computers with pmo, tons of them. talk about a fee for their use. This one I'm determined to keep healthy in all possible ways.

Yeah, I'm on a perpetual day one here. I don't know what to do. I don't try to beat myself up, but it happens. Anyway, there is hope and once I get it figured out there will be no stopping me though, for now it seems like just constantly drowning. I dwell on the positives of what I've done and the first thing that happens is I rob myself of them. Fuck.

Well, this is really odd for me. I can't stay asleep. Now, I thought it was that my work was causing me to wake up and just ruminate on things left undone and tasks which seem insurmountable. But, it has been a perfect storm of sorts. My first girlfriend of ten years ago, who I proposed to has emailed me out of the blue and let on to some degree that the guy that I though would maybe be for her has gotten married. Fine, no big deal. Kindov. I have not talked to her in ages.

Well, it was a record for me. 12 measly days. I just don't know why I slipped. I mean, I guess I get caught between not wanting to orgasm for a really long time...like three weeks...and then thinking that I can like, look at porn instead but not orgasm. Which is strange I know. It was actually okay and I didn't look at porn for two weeks. Then I had a really nice time with my girl where we talked and it was very wonderful and I went and sort of stimulated myself while lovingly you know, thinking of her.

This week has been pretty good, though I've made some stupid mistakes. It's really odd, because I feel completely different. I am able to argue with people if I feel that I'm right and then, not be upset by it. Though, I still take things too personally all the time. I really wish that would stop. I can remember that being a problem from my youngest days though, so it's not something I think I should expect this experience to necessarily correct or alter. I do think this new method of living, it will aid me in making changes in my life though.