DJax's blog

Ok, some time has passed since my last entry. After my first successful abstinence of porn/masturbation for 14 days, I awarded myself with a healthy dose of porn. I could not care less about my absurd behavior. I indulged for a few days in porn. I tried to be indifferent to my resolves. But after some days I was tired and felt worn out. I informed by best friend that I had failed and since it was no big deal for him (every unfulfilled urge leaves a vacuum), it was also no big deal for me. I had the permission to start again.

this is day 10, well now I am really counting the days of abstincence 2 or 3 times day

I am still faithful to my promise.

Instead of surfing the net and ending up at porn sites - I end up only surfing the net until I get seriously bored. last sunday i found so dull and unexciting that i caught myself taking a nap of 2 hours in the afternoon. Life is a bit more dry because the emotional excitement is not there, the excitement i usually got from jacking off.

I constantly forget why i started the abstinence in the first place. my mind says "useless, useless exercise".

This is day six. Yesterday I had a small rage, I don't know against whom - probably again anybody including me. Rage that I gave away my personal integrity to pictures, to other people. It is time to reclaim it. I have diffused my power for so long. I want to pick up a fight. I do not know how to vent my aggressions. I feel a bit fearful/shameful about them. But they are there, and I need to find an outlet.

But I am also more open to beauty now. Beauty makes me calm. Friendly women make me calm. This can happen in an instant.