Galileo's blog

Poet was right, I'm glad to be back. But I'll tell you why I left--since my self work has taken me away from "healing through sexual relationships," and I am hoping instead to create a pattern of connection without sex, I felt that I no longer had anything meaningful to contribute to the site. I had forgotten about the shame and guilt post and cosy's long and helpful reply. Thank you Marnia, for letting me know that this thread has been revived.

The book arrived in my PO Box from Amazon last week, and I have devoured it. Addiction as an Attachment Disorder by Philip J. Flores. It is written in somewhat clinical language but it has helped me understand my own experience of addiction, and what I have seen in others' experiences.

I've been experiencing flare ups of anger. The emotional realm is so surprising to me, I find there's an ocean inside. Anger wanted to seize something, it was impossible to control. My thoughts were about trying to distract myself, and also the tiniest reasoning voice, saying, "hey, be careful!" and then a realization that walking around my room in circles wasn't going to accomplish anything. What I'm angry about is so is huge with so many layers that it's a very long story.

I've been drinking a lot in a very socially acceptable way for more than ten years. I think I'm having a turning point--I just want to plant a flag here, or a tree for that matter--now that I'm getting a handle on my neurochemistry. I don't even feel the desire to drink. Obviously this and having control over orgasm are related experiences, and I remember also that I set a goal for myself last year that I wanted to "run the program" rather than being "run by it." As much or as little as that is possible, I have no idea, but it does seem to be happening to me now, in a recognizeable way.

I met a woman tonight at my favorite bar/cafe. It was so easy to strike up a conversation about sex and relationships. She was so sweet, gentle and smart, and yet, she had a tale to tell about the "crazy" side to her personality that emerged when she and a friend decided to become lovers. All I had to say about karezza made absolute sense to her. How nice to spread the word! xo

He needed to experience giving me an orgasm, because I think it was important to him, and he also might have wondered if I was able to have one. And so I took the fall, and had one.

We had been trying not to have an orgasm for our last few encounters, so this orgasm was, like, off the map. Gold star. But back to the experiment...

I had an orgasm, and then we rested, and he was saying, "I want one too." I just kind of lay there resting, thinking "maybe he'll change his mind in a minute..." and he did (!) thank God.

So you see this thing around my waist? It's to remind me not to have an orgasm.

Oh, that's easy, just take it off.

I can't take it off. It won't come off. I tried.

Um, why is it you don't want to have an orgasm?

It's kind of a long story...

Yes, I can see that!

I don't know where to start. Why don't we play 20 questions, and you can ask me all about it.

Okay. Question number 20. French Fries or Onion Rings?

Oh, that's a tough one. French fries. Freedom fries to be exact.

It's started. Not a roller coaster ride, something much better.

I'm starting a relationship with Number One, and am entering that new car smell sex phase with the Other--this time, a most friendly, gentle, generous Old Soul Other. Here I am sitting on my new sofa, in my new apartment, embarking on a new relationship, with someone whose actions tell me that they are a very serious human indeed. A year ago, I was being dumped by a coke-headed Replicant, and that was just the tip of the my iceberg, karmically. Still sorting out my head, more later. xo -G

I'm off the hook. Bachelor Number Two called off our date due to a hangover. He called it "Wine flu."

I'm reading The Active Side of Infinity, by Carlos Casteneda, in which don Juan is saying:

"Sorcerers beckon intent by voicing the word intent loud and clear. Intent is a force that exists in the universe. When sorcerers beckon intent, it comes to them and sets up a path of attainment, which means that sorcerers always accomplish what they set out to do."

Sorry for the sudden assault on this site again, and my moods swinging between bravado and faux serenity, but I've just had sex again for the first time in a million years, and I am having to combat the hangover and my old insecurities. This time I chose someone who is very kind and gentle, and the actual experience was great. But, typically, I chose someone who is not all that accessible emotionally, although maybe I'm just projecting this. I need to stop the wheels turning in my mind. Also, alcohol was involved and I so wish I would stop doing that.