Jkasali's blog

I have a cousin, female, 32, who was a virgin until about 6 months ago. Despite being rather attractive and with a wonderful attitude, she never managed to find a boyfriend - probably because she comes from a rather strong Christian background and didn't really like the idea of casual non-committed sex, which is a strong turn-off for most guys. (After all, why spend energies and resources with so many easier women around? Makes sense, I reckon.)

Hello everyone.. and Merry Christmas!

(a bit late, I admit.)

Sorry for vanishing so suddenly, my provider decided to die and sure enough, I couldn't find my 56k modem to patch things up. Plus I started my course so time was an issue.

Well.. here we go again. Relapsed. No excuse fellas, no excuse at all. Yes, it's a stressful period allright.. which doesn't help. So yes, I had another orgasm, and I could barely recognize myself while I was doing the thing. I was sweating, my breathing was shallow.. damn, I was more like an animal. Such is the power of orgasm addiction. The third/fourth day is always the most difficult.

I wish I could run an examination on my brain to see the chemicals feasting up there.

Anyway, I learned another trigger and understood a couple of interesting things. Allow me some ranting.

Well, that's it guys/gals. I have officially reached the lowest point of depression today. Luckily enough it didn't last much, but for a while I truly felt an icy sliver of desperation sliding through my spine.

And I think I even know why. I plead guilty, I relented and watched porn. Not much, actually. Just a bit. But apparently enough. Almost without conscious control, my hands went down there.

But this time I knew better, and I stopped at least a couple of minutes before I could orgasm.

This is Day 1 again. Back to Square One, as I said.

First, I had another dream last night. I dreamed.. a porn movie. I think that's a first as well, at least as far as I can remember. It wasn't a movie I knew, my brain totally invented it from scratch. I wasn't even in the movie - actually, I wasn't in the dream at all. I was simply a spectator. I felt some emotions while I was watching, but the kind of emotions that a viewer can feel, not a participant. Exactly like in real life.

Again, another orgasm today. This time I have no excuses - it was my fault. Perhaps I got discouraged from yesterday, plus I was a bit depressed, and I needed a fix. This lack of control saddens me to no end. And there are people who still do NOT believe that masturbation can be addictive.

Still, my goal remains. I will never surrender to myself until I am frikkin' dead. My goal is 15 days without orgasm, and will never stop until I reach it.

I had a sort of a wet dream. I didn't have an orgasm, but it is unusual for me to actually dream the stuff.

While I was still in bed and still partially asleep, I found myself "humping" the bed, like I was having sex. That produced enough stimulation in my genitals to reach a "7" on a hypothetical orgasm scale, where 1 is no excitement whatsoever, and 10 is immediate orgasm. Once I understood that, I stopped that and woke up.

Horny as hell.

And then.. it happened. I didn't even touch myself directly, I simply lightly stroked my groin to "calm down" my little brother..

Another "assertive dream"! This time I was in high school. Some girls mocked me for I-don't-remember-what, and I reacted by humiliating them back, followed by an applause. Whoa. I woke up ENERGIZED and with a smile on my face.

Is this becoming a pattern? I don't believe it's a coincidence, that never happened before. It must be somehow related to my "adventure".

I can't say I feel "down" as yesterday, but I'm most certainly not jumping up and down. I'm totally neutral. And, again, no morning erection. (Should I worry? )

Felt down today. Very down. It could be classified as "depression" I suppose, but not that I was having suicidal thoughts or anything.. just depression.

Day 7

So, day 7. So far, so good. Again, no erection this morning - but the apparatus still works

A quiet day, overall. No dreams, no relapses, some paranoid thinking but nothing serious, some stuff popping out inside my mind. I admit I got very aroused for some minutes reading a story on a newspaper.

The major symptom of today was no energy. I mindlessly browsed the web, reading articles, Wikipedia, and stuff like that. Some meditation.

The quiet before the storm? :O