JOHNDOE85's blog

I have a question, Ive been beatin myself up over this and I need your advice. Ok so last night I was at a hotel bymyself. I wanted to watch tv but cable went out, and then wanted to go on internet but that was out also. I kept telling myself not to go further but did. I started to masturbate and then I was off to the races. I went into the magazine isle at a grocery store and started to look at the workout magazines because I konw they would feature some sexy women so I could orgasm. On one of the pictures a girl was in her bra and panties and they were see through.

Its, official, I think this is the worst possible addiction ever. I have been in group therpy for a week now and still feel like sh*t. Last month I went 25 days clean from porn, so far I have gone 15 days + clean, I acted out not with porn but with fetish material, like pictures of women, nothing nude or even close to porn but still I feel like that was a relapse, like why the hell was I even that close. If it wasnt for me orgasming, I would have stayed on the internet till I looked at porn. Im trying not to be too down on myself.

Ok, so Im happy but confused. So far I am reaching a goal that I havent seen in a long time. I have gone 17 days clean, clean from porn and clean from even looking for pictures of fetish that I have. Normally I fail around the 15th day and go back to the internet looking for pictures of women, not nessarly nude but just erotic pictures of women. I am proud to be at this point. But I am questioning my emotional/chemical development so far up to this point. I know that porn releases dophamine but I was wondering if fetish material ie...womens feet, can produce the same dophamine release.

So far this weekend has been a success and also a failure. I have succeded in making past the first weekend without porn but didnt make it without heavy masturbation. I'm actually more upset than not about this. Its a little hard to explain and infact I need to see if Im the only one going through this. I find my masturbation increases the longer I stay away from porn. Its like when ever I wana look at porn, I get so scared Im going to go do it that I masturbate just to avoid failing. This happens alot espically on the weekends, when I have more free time.

So far Ive been good. I like having this online blog. I feel safe when I make my posts. I masturbated a little last night while sleeping. I dont even really remember starting, I just kinda woke up and and turned over. I didnt orgasm Im trying not to let it get to that point if I do start. I am feeling pretty good. Just trying to get past this weekend not looking at porn. I plan on getting a dog too. I read somewhere that getting a pet helps people balance out there emotions. I'll see if this step works. I want to open myself up. I dont wana be selfcentered anymore.

Ok, so Im at day 3. I havent felt too much tension. I think sleeping with my pants on is helping. I am using the library when ever I need to use the internet. Its open so I dont feel compelled to look at anything. Its timed so I know I have to be productive when on the internet. And its not 24 hours, so when my craving start, the library is normally closed. Its not fool proof, but I know the risk just isnt worth it here. I am always concious of whos around me and it makes me think twice everything. Ok, hopefully tommrow goes good.

I was attempting to go this entire month clean from porn but failed last saturday. My sister has a laptop and I found a way to connect to the internet from my house (my family dosent have the internet for obvious reasons). Needless to say I failed my goal. After much dispair I am trying to close the month out strong. The more I read how important it is to go without orgasm the more I am trying to rewire my brain. So far I am 2 days clean from porn and orgasm. Its not much but its progress.