Rockhardington's blog

I have managed to stay away from the MO for about a week, but I have peeked at the porn during weak moments. It's really the escort ads that im looking at, even though I don't follow through meeting with them. There a few reasons why I do not go through with it- I don't want to ruin my week when I need to present with work/school/family. I don't want to create more distance in relating to real women, and doing this will create the shame that pushes real women away. And I just plain want to be free from that old part of my life.

Today has been 2 weeks of no PMO. It has been a while since I havent gone for it. This is in part because I am trying to manage my relationships. I havent been looking to hook up lately, but have been trying to enjoy things that are more inward. I also remember how insane things get when I am out of control. Even if the opportunity is there, the consequences are not worth the immediate fix. Also, the rewards are kind of nice and are not present if I am acting out. At least reason has taken over for a minute. I'll roll with that because it was hectic for some time.

I was starting to feel at least a little stable with going over 2 weeks with no MO.

Despite the current break up, Ive been without MO for 10 days today. I did slip into some P by browsing the escort ads online. I soon caught myself and made the proper adjustments to my K9 to not allow those kinds of sites. I usually do catch myself because I know that the outcome is going to be miserable. There is a large disconnect between going through with the act and browsing because I find most of these women repulsive in person.

I took a day for myself today. I didnt study, but tried to catch up on things that I wanted to do for myself. Some self care type things. I was diligently working on sealing up my internet tonight. I put a timer on my browser, put k9 back on but still trying to figure out my passcode. I had another guy hold onto it and I cant get into it until I get in contact with him. I thought I put it back on and I tested it by going straight to a porn site... wow, it works.. browsed for a bit and was reminded by what I was trying to do for myself.

4th day today without PMO. My nerves and social anxiety were a little high today, but overall felt ok and in control. Except for losing it on the paleo diet, I was pretty on it today. Geez, keeping that paleo diet is tough, not as tough as PMO, but difficult. I will need to get into better eating habits and it will pick up speed on its own over time with patience and practice. I can still enjoy the benefits like I am with PMO, of not indulging. I did binge a bit with the paleo. I had a cheat meal at about the 8th or 9th day in and it just triggered a snowball.

I think Im going to count that last event as a relapse. Not in a bad way, but because I genuinely feel like I went over the edge. My withdrawal symptoms are consistent with it too for the most part. Though it lacks that physical binge component I think. I coped with the feelings as best as I could without porn but that was a challenge because those kinds of triggers are pretty deep. I have still been feeling reverberations inside.

Im not sure whether to start anew on the count or continue, but I think I am going to continue. The reason I am unsure is because, even though I ejaculated, it was more like a wet dream than it was a full on orgasm. Even though I was super excited, my brain did not have an orgasm. It was more of a body event. It was very similar to sex because we were both being very sexual with our clothes on, but it just happened. I have never had that happen before.

Im not sure how I made it this far this time. Im at 24 days. I have been topping off at 2 weeks at most since my last relationship put me in steamy sex mode. Its a hard hole to crawl out of. And this last week and the weekend was pretty much torture in my head. I felt low energy, low self esteem, nasty, frustrated, confused... I was a mess. However, with the help of journaling and reaching out to my community, I was able to stick through this week.

Nearly 3 weeks in at day 20 and its been a pretty challenging stretch. I feel exhausted today although Ive been getting sleep, and my energy hasnt been too good. I feel that mono feeling and just out of it in general. Want to study, but it also feels like I want to sleep.

I am trying to hang in there with the other concerns. I wasnt expected to be challenged in this way, but it has really pushed me about as far as I can go. Just not used to taking things this slow. I am having to be very patient and less attached to the outcome.