Seeker's blog

Hi everyone

I have not posted a blog entry in months. I have had a lot of changes since my last entry in my blog. I guess I will jump into a few things quickly.
I see a lot of new names on the site now. I see a few that I know as well. For those that put up with my whining and despair and kept pushing me thank you. All of my pain and fighting with my addiction and mental mess has made a big leap forward. Learning to deal with my porn addiction and masturbation addiction allowed me to receive someone in my life. Yes I am in a relationship with a wonderful women.

Starting day 14. No M or O in 2 weeks. feeling a bit more clear of it now. Not completely but a little. Cravings were way up yesterday. Still up this morning. Able to deal with that much better now. Can feel them without the thought that I need to hide from them or do anything about them. Not worrying about a count on days without porn. I know it is over 2 weeks since that last viewing. So 2 viewings in about 7 months. I doubt I will view again. I am sure of it really so that is why I am not counting days on porn. Now if I can get that with M'ing it would be good.

New title I think I need to think less . So no more thoughts blogs. Even the title of my blogs showed what I was doing.

Well a talk with a friend allowed me some insights.

I have come across this saying a couple times recently.

"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy."

I Was angry at that saying at first. My first thought was WTF? I can not be happy unless I am wrong ? WTF does that mean. My next thought. I can be right and think anything I want and still be happy I will prove it just watch me. blah blah blah. I just could not see what was going on in my head.

Well I did something today that I have not done in almost 6 months. I looked at images. Some nude. No videos. Not sure there is a real difference really.

I have been a mess for weeks now. OK much longer. It is just my mental state has been all over the past few weeks.

I am starting day 2 of my recovery from vacation. I ate lots of fatty sugary foods. I had a lot of caffeine. I had cut much of this out for a long time. I had gone weeks at a time without caffeine. I am also on day two of no M or O(I had gone 33 days before slipping with M and O). I really think my bad diet choices influenced this slip. I am still doing well with the porn side of things. I have gone long enough with that I think for it to be easier to avoid. I still have to be careful of triggers and I avoid as many as I can.

OK leaving for my trip today.

I know for most it would be no big deal. well this is way out of my comfort zone and the anxiety and stress are high right now.

to put it bluntly I could so just M and O right now for awhile. Not going to though. I have gone far enough along my path to control it.

I can observe myself and how I used M and O to deal with my anxiety and stress my whole life. Now I am training myself on how to deal with those things without M and O or P.

Intense cravings started yesterday. Well I have been able to deal with them. Today something happened that has happened before several times. I am still not sure exactly what it is or what is happening during the episode. I feel the cravings just ramp up. I feel it all over my body. I then start to get an intense headache. I even have to close my eyes the pain is so bad. During this I start to get an erection. Then after a few minutes Bam something happens. A release of some kind. Not sure if it is an orgasm or what. It feels different but very similar.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

this describes me for the most part.

even the self harm which I have done in fits of rage. just hitting things till the pain brings me back to focus. I would assume that is self harm.

It just seems to fit me and my reactions.

Meditation. I have been able to start meditating over the last few days. I did my session this morning. I feel so much better after doing it. I woke up having an orgasm in a dream. I started my workout for the day with my first set of exercises. I then did meditation. My cravings for masturbation are almost nothing. This being day 1 after a multi day binge and waking like that and still not to have cravings means a lot. I need to meditate every morning and evening from now on. I can not describe how I feel after meditation. I have tried in the past to meditate and had some success.

I am mentally just exhausted by the whole process of trying to quit masturbation and orgasm.

quitting porn and fantasy while masturbating was easy compared to the pain and exhaustion dealing with masturbation itself.

Not sure where to go from here. Not going to give up. I just need a break from the fighting.

Mental hell right now.

I am still happy with myself about the porn and fantasy.

just exhausted by everything going on in my life right now and m/o

thought I would share this part of my thinking as of right now.