spiritual_hardship's blog

My mind never left, but I guess my physical presense is lagging a bit behind. Though my physicality seems to be intensely present in other areas..

Hi again folks

So the last few days I've been breaking all my rules one after another. First on wednesday I watched some porn for the first time for about a month. Boredom was the driver who steered me to close to be able to escape the gravity of all the gorgeousness just waiting for me to appreciate it. I didn't masturbate, I just enjoyed the feelings of excitement and tried to exercise my abilities in controlling and transforming it. So in that respect it did serve a little bit of purpose. Then yesterday I did much of the same with masturbation without porn involved.

That title goes out to my girlfriend. We lay awake talking deep into the night(more like morning). I don't know why but she seemed to have a whole other level of understanding of what I was trying to do last night. Wich led me into sharing more open heartedly all my reasoning behind my motivation for doing so. I even told her about how my body at times(more frequently then I'll ever admit to) wanted me to go out and have sex with other women. And I explained how this was not what I really wanted but a function of my primitive mind.

Hi
Last night my girlfriend was in the mood and we got the boggie on but my dancing skills have obviously suffered from this path of non-spillage. I was so hyper sensitive that just coming into her was about enough for me, I guess her wanting me to put on this vibrating penis ring didn't help much either. Well, I thought I had things somewhat under control anyway but that was before she got the contractions of an orgasm going on.. The orgasm isn't the same when what is going through your mind is "failure".

I don't know if ya all have seen this before but I just discovered it and found it amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCB0HFiFbVQ

Probably the strongest personal story of a spiritual context I've heard..

My avoidance of porn seem to have forced my reptilian brain to a new strategy. The attention previously given to lubed up pornstars in various more or less gymnastic poses seem to be redirected towards innocent women I encounter in the grocery store or wherever I'm at. Eeek I try to not let my lust run away with me but.. I can't help it, I want them all sooo badly! Why do they all have to look so good and make me feel all fuzzy and warm inside. I don't want to lust for everyone around me like this, I feel like a creep..

Day 12.

There is a war going, the warriors are my thoughts and feelings and I am the battleground. The two main fractions of the war are my idealistic spiritual self and my raw untamed animal self. The spiritual part of me seeks a path of cultivating and purifying my sexual energy, reaching for an enlightened state of love and unity. My animal self has only one goal.. To conquer and penetrate, and to do it as often, in as many ways possible and to as many women as possible.

Then my counting of days suddenly got a whole lot easier as I now am back to day 1 again. Did I invent a time machine you ask? NO, I just deactivated my higher functions of the brain and let my reptile brain show me its moves. Impressive as they may be they are not very suited for this semen retention business..