Tomato's blog

SICAS: 4 - Orange

I'm tired. It's been a very busy day. I've managed to stay too busy to be able to masturbate. (This was actually by design.) It's a full moon. Those are usually bad days for me, so I was trying to ensure that I had enough to do that I didn't turn to porn out of frustration. It was still a bad day. I had a conflict with a friend.

I did briefly fondle myself in the shower while fantasizing. But I didn't let it go very far and got out quickly when I realized that I was headed in that direction.

SICAS: Orange - 4

I've been seriously distracting myself for the last few days in order to counter the intensity (usually "Red - 5") of my impulses. Nevertheless, I have still managed to find some time to fantasize about some rather complex scenarios--though I have stopped mid-thought a number of times. Anyway, I have not masturbated, I have not used porn, I have not orgasmed. But my initial concerns about my ability to fantasize have proven to be well-placed, I think. In the past, this kind of fantasizing has usually led to my seeking out cyber-sex chat partners in short order.

SICAS: 5 - Red

Today, fantasy, masturbation and orgasm all seem like excellent ideas. In fact they seem like the greatest trifecta of ideas ever created! And it seems like there could be no possible negative side effects to their employment whatsoever!

Day 8
SICAS: 2 - Blue

Emotions. Bubbling up. School is over so I can't distract myself with that. It's hard to say whether p/m/o has been my way to escape dealing with these emotions or whether these emotions are, themselves, the symptoms of the withdrawal.

I had such vivid dreams last night. I saw my wife... ex-wife. In the dreams I mean. Perhaps I have forgotten how hard it was to endure her confusion, her rage, her inconsolable misery. But I saw none of those things in my dreams. Did I dream of anything but her last night?

GURDJIEFF ON SEX

Marnia wrote:

Did Gurdjieff have any useful things to say about sex?

It is such a plain, straight-shot question, but it has really got me tripping over myself just trying to give you a sensible answer!

Gurdjieff could consider something simple and--through the lens of his vast metaphysical system--reflect something infinitely more complex than one had first imagined was there.

With respect to religious traditions, I'm a pretty serious student. I was an extremely active member of a western Sufi order for over two years. I've studied Fourth Way (Gurdjieff/Ouspensky), Golden Dawn, and Thelemic traditions. I also have a background in Reformed Christianity (traditional Presbyterianism) and consider myself to be well-versed in both mainstream Christian scholarship and esoteric Christian thought. I'm also basically a non-theist and consider my spiritual interests to be "psychological" in nature, though that in no way diminishes their significance for me.

As I am a student and as it is finals week, most likely I won't be able to post a proper introduction of myself until Thursday, May 13, 2010 (four days from now). I just wanted to say this so that my blogging privileges won't be revoked before that.

It is worth noting, however, that the avoidance of masturbation whilst in the midst of such stress may prove to be something of a challenge.

Until Thursday: pax vobiscum