Meeting someone on Saturday

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Well, I never thought this would happen so fast, but a girl found me on OkCupid and we talked for an hour or so. She lives very close to where I do, and apparently graduated from the same high school and year as me.

We're meeting over lunch on Saturday afternoon. I have a hard time with small-talk, which I just barely managed with online... face-to-face is going to be even harder for me.

Advice, anyone?

(by the way, Marnia, I told her about CPA, since she brought up having two short-lived boyfriends who cheated on and lied to her in the past. Was that a mistake? I didn't say anything about its content, just that it'd probably interest her.)

Comments

Small Talk -

If I were in your situation here are some things that I would consider bringing up in the conversation.
Since you went to and graduated from the same High School:

1. Ask her about mutual teachers that you liked / disliked in high school - "Hey, did you ever have Mr. SoandSo for Algebra?"
2. Ask her if she ever knew ...? Perhaps you might have some mutual friends.
3. Ask her about what she enjoyed about high school and what she enjoys about no longer being in HS.
4. Find out what kind of music / movies / sports / hobbies she enjoys. Then be sure to tell her what your interest are as well.

You can do this!! You will do this!! You have NOTHING to fear. Just be yourself and enjoy the moment of getting to know her and letting her enjoy the opportunity of getting to know this great guy named Fred - save the Freaky for another time.

I know you'll do well!!

pcb

Small talk~

Woot! So exciting!

Don't worry about small talk--as long as you are fully, 100% present, interested in what she has to say, and a good listener/asker of questions, you will do just fine!

And I think it's unique and different that you know about Marnia's book and it sounds like that could be a great topic of conversation if you feel it's a good time to discuss it (just the concepts in general).

I hope you have fun (that's what is important) and remember that even if you don't feel a love connection, you can still have a great friend connection.

Rachel (formerly known as rediscovered)

First names

Sorry to be off-topic, but are real first names acceptable here now?

And anything would be a step up for me. I have basically no friends my age in the town where I live.

"Hello new friend, my name is Fred! The words you hear are in my head.
I say, I said, my name is Fred! And I've been... very nauuughtyyy..."

No, real first names are not recommended

Not because anyone has anything to be ashamed of, but because sometimes people suddenly take a notion to recommend this site to a friend...and realize they don't want their friends to connect them with some of the processing that is done here.

"Rachel" is not a real name, but rather a more easily recognized (as a woman) name, which makes the "Karezza Korner" posts easier for visitors to peg.

Definitely time for some friends. Smile

I say old chap,

that's splendid! Wink

The rule for small talk is, "When in doubt, ask the other person a question that doesn't have a "yes" or "no" answer." Most people like talking about themselves, and adore good listeners. You can see that pcb is a pro...because all his questions are perfect for this strategy. Wink

It's fine to talk about anything. Just don't try to "sell" her anything. If she shows interest in Cupid, you could say, "Well, I'd be interested in your opinion. Some of it makes sense to me, but I'd like to hear what someone else thinks."

Mostly remember to smile a lot (so you seem cool and relaxed Smile ) and make eye contact frequently, just for short times (staring can make people think they have spinach in their teeth).

And a few awkward moments are simply normal on first dates...and quickly forgotten by both parties. Sometimes they are a cue to go for a walk together or otherwise reshuffle the deck.

Let us know how it goes!

Quote:It's fine to talk

Quote:

It's fine to talk about anything. Just don't try to "sell" her anything. If she shows interest in Cupid, you could say, "Well, I'd be interested in your opinion. Some of it makes sense to me, but I'd like to hear what someone else thinks."

I don't want to "sell" anybody anything. I mentioned it once, and won't again unless she asks me about it. As an aspiring Buddhist, I'm supposed to be at least trying to alleviate the suffering of all sentient beings, without exception and without a "goal". I felt like I had an obligation to give her the name of your book at least once.

As a Linux user, I know full well how turned off people become when you try to sell them on the idea of free (as in speech, not beer) software instead of letting them ask their own questions about what your computer's running and how you got it to work. I know enough to apply the same principle to other aspects of my life.

"Hello new friend, my name is Fred! The words you hear are in my head.
I say, I said, my name is Fred! And I've been... very nauuughtyyy..."

Don't be too worried about

Don't be too worried about having nothing to say. Sometimes saying too much and never shutting up can be just as awkward as deadly silences! If you lead the conversation all the time, she may never get the chance to say or ask something.

Before hand, you might find it useful to think of different things that you like and enjoy, but turn them around, so that you first ask her what she thinks about these things or those subjects. When she's finished she then gets the opportunity to ask what you think, or if she forgets to ask you can chime in with your opinion (but give her a chance to ask first!).

Remember, Eye Contact is good, and using her name now and then is great (rather than just using "you" all the time), - everyones favourite sound is the sound of their own name :)

Good for you freaky!

Great to hear about your upcoming first meeting.

I agree with what many have said. Eye contact and listening are key. Listening allows for follow-up questions. And yes, she is probably just as nervous as you are!

Marnia's tip about avoiding yes or no questions is excellent. If you are ever interested, there is an excellent fairly short book available that has great tips on small talk and getting to know new people.

Please post again on how the meeting went.

Conflicted

I feel conflicted and confused.

We met in front of the restaurant. She brought a girlfriend of hers, which I didn't expect at all, who she apparently came with from some Zumba class at a local gym. If she had some ulterior motive in doing so, it wasn't immediately obvious to me... but I'd have come off like a prick if I said no, so all three of us had lunch together. We were the only people who sat at an outside table, which was odd because the weather is very nice today and the lake breeze was pleasant. Humans sure are strange creatures.

There were a few awkward pauses here and there, but we were able to carry on a conversation for most of the time. Struggled with eye contact a bit, but kept smiling throughout and stayed calm. If my speech professor wasn't lying when she told me that others usually can't tell when I'm nervous, then my slightly shaky feeling wasn't picked up on. This girl has a pretty good sense of humor, as do I, so it stayed lighthearted throughout. However, her interests and taste in just about everything are completely normal compared to mine, so it got a little awkward again when she brought up seeing anime as an interest on my OkCupid profile. We both work out at a gym and like outdoor activities like hiking and bicycling (though I don't do either one as much as she does), so we have that in common.

This was my first-ever date (if I can call it one), so certain things happened that I didn't expect or know what to think of. I didn't expect each of us to pay for their own meals (well, maybe her friend)... I thought that us men were supposed to foot the bill, at least for their dates. That definitely left me confused, and feeling a bit like a jerk. I don't think any of us even tipped the waitress, which was wrong because she did a very good job. I think we were all confused because the breeze outside would've blown my $5 off the table, and the cashier inside didn't make the tip part of any of our bills. Heck, maybe that's why everyone else was indoors.

Afterward, her and her friend both decided to go out shopping in another town. I would have gotten lost on the way there (I have panic attacks when I go a long distance on a highway and get lost... no, I don't have a GPS, and I really should), so I went back home.

Since she likes hiking so much, I said that we could go hiking on a trail near my house. She declined, saying that it was too hot out today, which is why she and her friend went shopping, but she said she would be up for it on a cooler day.

... I don't know. This didn't feel like a date to me. It was nice meeting this girl, and we all seemingly enjoyed ourselves, but I didn't see any spark of romantic interest from her. Didn't feel a connection.

Meh, who knows. Maybe when we go hiking, if that happens, the uncertainty I'm feeling right now will be completely cleared up, as we have a chance to talk to each other alone. Until then, my hopes have died down.

In any case, I'm glad that I decided not to tell my family or coworkers about this (yet).

"Hello new friend, my name is Fred! The words you hear are in my head.
I say, I said, my name is Fred! And I've been... very nauuughtyyy..."

I think it was an excellent start

You can make it up to the waitress some other time. Smile

Nothing wrong with two ladies for the price of one. Did you like the friend better by any chance? Wink If the two of you agree there's no spark, just tell her to bring another friend on the hike. (There's a silver lining in this cloud...somewhere. *chuckle*)

Maybe check out some local hiking groups since the weather is nice. It's very relaxing to get to know potential mates while doing something purposeful.

Nice job in a slightly awkward situation.

Her friend was more

Her friend was more physically attractive, but less talkative, less interesting, and doesn't have a job or any goals in life whatsoever. I don't think it'd be wise to pursue her.

The person who introduced me to that restaurant, my former high school counselor, is a regular there, so maybe I can get him to pass along a belated tip to the waitress.

"Hello new friend, my name is Fred! The words you hear are in my head.
I say, I said, my name is Fred! And I've been... very nauuughtyyy..."

Did you

follow up with the first woman, or do you think it's definitely a "no-go?"

I'm sure the waitress will appreciate your thoughtfulness even more than your money.

Good job Fred! Marnia is

Good job Fred! Marnia is right, if you didn't feel a connection with her, you can always see about one of her friends. Sometimes that is the best way to approach a date anyway, with no expectations but a good time and a new person to be friends with. This way the pressure is off of you to "act" a certain way, which a lot of us do on first dates. Besides, their is nothing wrong with girls who are just friends, it allows one to become more comfortable around woman and not act nervous around them. I was lucky enough to live with five sorority girls while in college, all attractive. It helped to feel really comfortable around pretty girls and develop a lot more confidence. Oh, and I didn't sleep with any of them, now their sorority sisters....that's a different story. It helped me to appreciate having a women as friends. Good luck if you go on that hiking date, that was a very good idea.

My impression was way wrong

We've been talking most of the evening over FB, and she's definitely interested in me. She took her friend with because she didn't want to ditch her after their Zumba class.

"Hello new friend, my name is Fred! The words you hear are in my head.
I say, I said, my name is Fred! And I've been... very nauuughtyyy..."

Yes!

I'll admit the physical attraction is a bit weak at the moment (I've seen pictures of her with her hair down and glasses off where she looks prettier, but to me, her normal appearance is ... homely), but personality-wise, I think we're totally a match. Also keep in mind that I used to be a porn addict -- my perspective on looks is still adjusting.

As Emeril would say ...

BAM!!! You're back in the game baby!!! You've got to feel so good about what has just transpired on your FB conversation with her!! FF give yourself the credit you deserve - you're better than you think you are!!! After 2 bad relationships, she's just waiting for a real man to come along and treat her the way she deserves - you're that man!!!

pcb

Great job Fred!

She brought the friend because she was meeting someone she only knew online. This isn't uncommon and her friend was her safety net. If I were you, I would try for another meeting/date. If nothing else for more practice, the first is the hardest.

Gauge her interest by sending her a quick note saying that you enjoyed meeting her and would like to see her again. Then see how she responds. Finally give her a more formal invite to something you know she enjoys a few days later. The key here since the meeting was blind is to take it slow and work on developing a friendship. See if something more develops later. (Note, she could say no and that is OK -- not everyone makes a connection).

I'm sure you are analyzing the heck out of the entire meeting. Don't! You had a curveball thrown and you and did the best you could. Everyone has been through this, no one is great a first dates.

It can take a few times to determine a true spark. Getting to know people takes time.

I just think it is awesome you went through with the date. Either way, you made excellent progress.

Quote:She brought the friend

Quote:

She brought the friend because she was meeting someone she only knew online. This isn't uncommon and her friend was her safety net. If I were you, I would try for another meeting/date. If nothing else for more practice, the first is the hardest.

That was also my first guess when I saw this third wheel, but until I have a reason to not trust her word, I'll buy into her story. She appears honest to me. The two of them did go shopping afterward, so they did probably have that planned in advance.

We've already planned on hiking tomorrow and another day this week, at two different trails around town. We might go for ice cream afterward if it gets too hot outside.

She could tell that "I'm shy at first" when meeting new people, but she claims that she's the same way, and that it wasn't a big deal.

"Hello new friend, my name is Fred! The words you hear are in my head.
I say, I said, my name is Fred! And I've been... very nauuughtyyy..."

:-)

You are amazing, FF!! It sounds like you handled yourself with aplomb and it will only get easier from here~

Rachel (formerly known as rediscovered)

~Be present when you are with people. Breathe deeply and listen not only with your ears but more importantly with your heart~~