The compulsory update

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Submitted by Thebeg on
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It's been a while since my last blogpost. Even though I feel like I have little to write, I'll go ahead and do it anyway since this is also a part of my journey.

First off, thanks to FREE for inspiring to post. You're an awesome guy!

So to summarize, the last few weeks I've felt like withdrawing from this forum. Not in a drama-style, but just fading away in the background. I felt like I had nothing new to post, so I'd just give my spot here to a newcomer with more potential of rebooting than me.

I've relapsed and edged frequently the last weeks. I was no longer able to reach some momentum. The longest was about 12 days of no O.

I've been rebooting since july 2011. And to be honest, the results so far are extremely poor to none. Right now I'm physically in the same shape (or perhaps worse) as seven months ago. I've gained some new experienced and knowledge, but that's the only permanent part of this. Cumulative results my ass... unfortunately I know better now. Either I never reached the point where results actually started to count or I've completely destroyed any slight progress I've made.

This realisation has hit me hard lately. Like REALLY hard, making me want to forget about all the reboot crap. I feel like I've hit rock bottom a while ago, when the emotions were much stronger than now. Now it seems more like 'accepting what this is'.. just accepting my condition and my inability to fix it.

But at the same time that also creates a negative affirmation that I keep telling myself. And there really is no use in telling yourself that you can't do something.

So I'm a bit torn at the moment. There is this huge amount of sadness inside me about my reboot, yet there is also still this little spark of hope for improvement. I haven't been feeling very well lately. Either I'm working/doing sports way too much or I'm at home cancelling all my activities because I'm too tired.

At least I'm eating quite healthy, though I'm eating less because I want to shed the few pounds that I have to shed before I'm in a really good shape. That may also cause some of the tiredness and bad feelings.

Breakgirl still visits me every weekend. I still love the physical contact. And things continue to escalate sexually. This weekend I fingered her and gave her oral as well. Was lots of fun because I love to do that.. first time since 9-ish months. There was little physical arousal on my side though. I had full ED so she couldn't return the favor. We also talked some more about my problems, which was nice. For some reason I was dreaming of my ex while Breakgirl was lying in my arms at night. I found that to be pretty stupid.... I really don't understand why I think/dream of my ex so much.. I guess I miss certain things from the relationship that we had..

Excuse this clew of random thoughts that I just wrote. It's just a recap and I honestly don't really know why I wrote this down. I still feel the sadness and wonder why I'm posting here.

Besides fighting my own body in this reboot, I now also have to fight my thoughts as I have so little faith in my ability to reboot.

Comments

honestly

You say "I know better now" but I don't think you do. This strikes me as a bunch of mind stuff, what I call "4 in the morning thoughts" although they can strike at any time.

The mind seems real to us but it is not to be believed. My mantra is "trying not to believe what I think". The way you do that is to question your beliefs. I really think you would benefit from The Work of Byron Katie which you can do on your own. You are believing all these thoughts and you will want to start to question your thoughts and play with different thoughts including the opposite.

You've made some real progress since I've been reading your posts. I can see the progress you've made. And really, all you have to do is give up porn. It may take awhile, but this is your path. The mind compares A to B to C and passes judgment. But that's just B.S. This is your path and obviously you needed to go through what you did, and you have more work to do. So what, who doesn't?

 

I feel for you man, I'm in

I feel for you man, I'm in the same boat a year on, although I have seen some slight improvement lately, I have even managed a soft entry and worked upto full erection and i was total ED down below after quitting "P" I was absolutely dead! I am finding that quitting fantasy I.e. with you ex as you said is slowly working for me. I leave my bits to alone and only let's my lady touch them. The other day after a few minutes I got an erection from her rubbing, it took a while. I expected it to raise straight away like it used to and normally would have given up frustrated at this point but I just keep trying. The last year has been hell not knowing what my brain is doing, total ED even alone, I still don't know. We are pioneers in this and have to try different approaches aswell as PMO abstinance . I am 300 days + no porn and I'm still not where I want to be, but I keep trying different mental approaches. Keep hanging on in there buddy my next approach is relaxation techniques, I'll keep you all posted.

Hey man I feel you.

It took me over a *year* of attempts and relapses before I finally put some time together. Persistence pays off! Get honest with yourself and ask yourself "Am I doing whatever it takes to beat this thing? Are there areas I haven't looked at or have let go that need examining?" Stuff like that. I don't know you but I know this can be done. I don't pretend that it's easy but it gets easier once you get a good streak going.

Don't give up. Don't let yourself off the hook. Get outside help if you need it. Think through a relapse before it happens.

Try not to think of this as a fight. I like to give the advice to people on here that things get easier if you have figured out your "calling" in life and are pursuing that with utmost vigor. That will mean you have less time to worry or think about ED or PMO.

Also I believe that if you are within a few days of an orgasm, and have not gone a significant time without orgasm, you won't get the results that people describe on here. It's real simple solution to a complicated problem. No orgasm is *not* the answer to all your problems but it does help me anyway as I deal with other issues. In a way it kind of knocks out one big issue that I spent a lot of time fretting over and now I can focus on other things.

I haven't had vaginal intercourse since 2010 - by choice I might add. My last (waking) orgasm was July 2011. I'm telling you man, whew read my numerous posts and you will see how much I relapsed. It can be done brother. Keep your chin up, find that thing you love to do above all others that is about building something in this world and leaving a legacy after you die. These things have nothing to do with PMO but I feel they are central to fulfillment.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Thanks for your story Dano.

Thanks for your story Dano. It's comforting to read that I'm not the only one who spends months on this and will have to spend months more. I doubt I will ever reach another challenge in life that's as hard as this. My study rivals with the reboot for first place, but only because I've been spending way to much time on it. My study has never given me so much pain and worries as the reboot.

That said, this might be a year where I tackle not one, but my two biggest problems in my life. If I'm going to graduate as well as finish my reboot this year, this will be the most successful year in my life.. that places things in a different light.

So I had this wet dream last night...

I get them still and I wake up with this feeling like I just gave in. Later in the day I had an urge to MB. Point is I am much stronger at putting those thoughts in their place and going about my business. Just focus on *today.* Sometimes you will have to focus on getting through the next couple of hours or even the next couple of minutes! In those times when you are most challenged I encourage you to reach out to this board or a helping hand somewhere else. You are not alone, so don't act like you are!

Don't think about this thing in the same light as other goals, it's totally different. I am always working on the reboot...I spent years with porn, it will take years to be fully released. That can hopefully be liberating to you...take some of the pressure off and focus on what you can do to avoid the next relapse. The fact that you are still on here and still working on it is the best evidence that some day you will be on my side, sitting back with 200+ plus days and giving advice to someone else on how to do it. I actually have a lot of faith in you that you might not have yet. You just have to prove it to yourself.

Trust me it *can* be done and *will* be done if you take whatever measures are necessary. Don't give yourself another pass. Haha we all get a case of the "fuck its" sometimes, just don't let that turn into a relapse. Things could be way worse too...think where you used to be. Acknowledge your own progress.

Sorry, lecture over. Don't want to get too preachy. Wink

Thanks for your inspiring

Thanks for your inspiring words once again, if you are not, then you should consider a career as a writer Wink

It's true, I do not plan on giving up on this. But this is most definitely the hardest thing I've ever attempted in my life. And it's not even to reach some far-fetched goal, instead it's about returning to a state that I've been in, in a distant past, before I single-handedly (pun intented) destroyed a part of myself..

Yesterdaynight I had a sexual dream, which I find pleasant in itself. It also triggered some kind of sexual feeling. But not the "I want to relapse" kind of feeling, but rather the 'correct' feeling. A sexual feeling towards real women. It also seemed to draw female attention once again. Funny how that works..

So far it seems like completely filling up my agenda is the best thing to do to prevent relapses. I've caught myself a few times on feeling this "now I can relapse" feeling when my housemate left the house. And it wasn't even conscious, there seems to be this process going on inside my brain that is constantly assessing if the situation would allow a relapse... scary stuff. Feels like I'm on my way to a longer streak once more... let's do this.

Now you are talking...

Very good self assesment. You are recognizing the "alone in room/house could masturbate if I wanted to" trigger. It doesn't have to be a crisis anymore. Focus on the one day at a time thing. Do whatever you gotta do. I'm glad I could inspire in you confidence to continue. I have my difficult times too and I still come here looking for the same thing you are. I'm increasingly realizing how much isolation, self pity, stress, loneliness and for me, other addictions kept me in the closed loop that seemed so hopeless. It's not hopeless. You are already half way there. Continue to count days and if you falter, count again. Try, fail, try until you succeed.

Yes I was once a professional writer for newpapers, shitty little rags that I have the good fortune not to be writing for any more. These days I am writing academic stuff for my classes and thesis. I hope to complete my thesis this year, graduate and focus on my music writing (I'm a song writer too) my band and my solo music.

Having all these months without a woman, without PMO has given me a lot of time to work on making my dreams a reality. Continue to search your heart for what it is that gives you the most satisfaction and then don't rest until you are in that field.

I gotta stop now, I admit you guys are the best audience and I don't want to get an overblown sense of importance. Glad I could be of service though, I came here and got help from other men here so I feel like I need to keep coming around and paying that back.

Maybe I'll write up another silly post. Keep your sense of humor about you, you will need it during the most difficult times.

DC

Excellent

This is like one of the best replies Ive come across in a while and also a great post by the OP. Sometimes I wish this forum would give credentials to some of the better posters on here (maybe the way Yahoo answers labels its top contributors) Great job Dano and Beg.

Thanks Reloaded. This pure

Thanks Reloaded. This pure hell we've put ourselves in at one point in our lives... I must do what I can to help other guys climb out of that hole. It's just too dark in there. So that's why I post, it's the very least I can do.

Why would you give up?

Why would you give up?

Have you really given this reboot 100 procent? And just no PMO but also rewiring activities (particurarily with females).

We all have a though time with this. Look at one point I even had to have a conversation with my dad to block access to his computer. That way I couldn't look at porn anymore. That wasn't a plessant thing to do, but it was necessary and it helped me a lot.

High_Achiever wrote:

High_Achiever wrote:

Why would you give up?

Have you really given this reboot 100 procent? And just no PMO but also rewiring activities (particurarily with females).

I don't intend on ever giving up. There simply is no choice. But that doesn't mean I FEEL like giving up some of the time.

I think I've undertaken quite a lot of things to help myself as much as possible. I've started dancing classes, lots of female contact, a cuddle buddy in the weekend. I also try to eat healthy, exercise a lot and do the things that I deem important (such as my study).

But when the real cravings arise, that's when you have to resort to your own inner strength. This is the area where I seem to lack all this time. Guys on this forum write posts how they had insane cravings but managed to pull through. I can't understand that. They write about it like it's no big deal and that they easily put the cravings aside.... it makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong here that in my case the cravings are WAYYYYYYY stronger than I can handle... perhaps those guys aren't that addicted after all?

Cravings were very difficult

Cravings were very difficult for me as well in the beginning. This could often be followed by a binge or later a relapse.

Yeah it's tough, but what's the alternative? I think last night I slept somewhere between 5 and 6 hours and I woke up feeling fully rested and with morning wood. I hope this may inspire you to continue.

One thing that you can do, although you may consider it a bit extreme. Let's say you've managed to go 30 days without PMO, try to do another 14 days abroad, or in a different location. You can also cut off your internet access for a while? That way you can only access internet from a public server or something like that.

sidenote: we have all felt like giving up at some times.

with PMO: not realizing that you're missing out on life and you're pleasure responses are numbed.
without PMO: severe withdrawal and having to reboot your brain in order to find normal activities appealing again.

Read this everytime for the next day :p

Actually I have registered

Actually I have registered for this meditation camp in June. It will be in Belgium and takes 10 days. Of course no sexual stuff is allowed there. It would be great if I would have one month or more in the pocket when I go there since that means I get another extra ten days in.

Ill read your post the next ten days :)

I think you're right..

This will be the most successful year in your life.

Thanks for mentioning that my posts helped you start writing again. It's so great to see you active again on here!

You're an awesome guy yourself. And you've been though so much, man, I just don't believe there is no cumulative effect. Maybe there is no cumulative effect with ED if you relapse before the brain rewired, but there are parts of you that you have awoken and strengthened with your repeated reboots that don't just go away.

I will make a bet that when you get to day 10 or 11 or 12 of your next reboot, you will have the feeling of freedom and possibility that is so familiar and empowering that you will be able to carry on BEYOND your previous 35 days.

Dano inspired me too when he pointed out that he had to make repeated attempts for a year before he was able to sustain a long reboot. Thanks Dano!

Aw man, I am sorry you are still haunted by thoughts of your ex. I am sorry to say that I relate. My ex girlfriend is a constant presence in my mind, everything reminds me of her, I sometimes dream about her too...even after so many months of not having heard from her or seen her. It sucks. Because I want to be free of that ghost.

But I will say this. The ghosts of our past girlfriends come when we are weak and broken from a fresh PMO relapse.

Countless times, I've noted that it is during my post porn/masturbation binges that my ex comes back to haunt me.

I cry, I grieve like the breakup just happened, I desperately want her back, I want to call her. This happens every time after a relapse. It is as predictable as getting wet if you step under a shower spray.

Yet I am always astonished WHILE it is happening. Because the feelings are just as real as the feeling of freedom, hope and happiness I feel when I'm PMO free for a few weeks.

I have realized something about the feelings of hopelessness that come up between reboots.

Unless you are at least about 4 to 5 days removed from your last PMO, you will be in a brain fog. You know all about this. You've written all about it, to me and about yourself. You know that in the days following PMO, you're not thinking clearly and you're feeling a predictable set of emotions (depression, inertia, hopelessness).

I know you've been really down lately, but you have to remind yourself that the post PMO brain fog is a natural, unpleasant, and temporary part of the healing process.

Try to go PMO free long enough, not to reboot, but to think clearly again. THEN make decisions about what you want to do.

It is so great you have BreakGirl in your life. Also, it's great you're dancing. Also, it's great you have the knowledge and the support from this site and YBOP.

Imagine how you would feel about your life and your porn induced ED if you didn't even know how to cure it.

I hate how pharmaceutical drugs have been introduced into our world for every ailment, real or imagined. But if there was a "PMO Reboot" pill, I would be the first one at the doctor's office to get a prescription.

But we have no such pill. We have to do it this way. I guess it's the hard way. With days marked off on calendars, with posts on this site, with sleepless nights, with long periods of flatline, with endless bouts of self doubt, with moments of cravings and inner struggle, with personal victories and endless self discovery.

We reboot with time, and with will, and with the encouragement of our friends, in life and online. It takes patience and perhaps most difficult of all, faith.

You can do it this way. I have faith you can heal yourself. We all do. Stay strong, my friend.

Thanks for your encouragement

Thanks for your encouragement FREE. Your posts mean much to me. While physically separated, it sometimes feels we're standing side by side when fighting these demons. It's the greatest thing we can get in this quest and it will be our weapon of strength.

The brainfog is leaving me since a few days. I am productive, exercise a lot (almost every day) and yesterday some positive semi-sexual feelings towards women appeared once again. Noticed some erectile activity during the night. Good things seem to be coming my way again (even an interesting job opportunity, which is interesting at the very least).

I don't really keep track of the days much. I think I'm at around day 10 of no O and day 7 of no PM. One more week and I should definitely be in the clear once again.

Man the fuck up and try again

The results are cumulative. I first attempted no PMO in April 2011 and it took me 5/6 months (September is the last time I PMO'd) until I recovered. So that's nearly 5 months since I looked at porn. It doesn't even cross my mind any more.

Man the fuck up and try again. /thread

Hey Luciiz

Try encouraging others on this journey with a bit more respect. Though your intent is great, that drill sergeant, tough love tone is not always best way to get a guy back on track.