It's been a while since my last blogpost. Even though I feel like I have little to write, I'll go ahead and do it anyway since this is also a part of my journey.
First off, thanks to FREE for inspiring to post. You're an awesome guy!
So to summarize, the last few weeks I've felt like withdrawing from this forum. Not in a drama-style, but just fading away in the background. I felt like I had nothing new to post, so I'd just give my spot here to a newcomer with more potential of rebooting than me.
I've relapsed and edged frequently the last weeks. I was no longer able to reach some momentum. The longest was about 12 days of no O.
I've been rebooting since july 2011. And to be honest, the results so far are extremely poor to none. Right now I'm physically in the same shape (or perhaps worse) as seven months ago. I've gained some new experienced and knowledge, but that's the only permanent part of this. Cumulative results my ass... unfortunately I know better now. Either I never reached the point where results actually started to count or I've completely destroyed any slight progress I've made.
This realisation has hit me hard lately. Like REALLY hard, making me want to forget about all the reboot crap. I feel like I've hit rock bottom a while ago, when the emotions were much stronger than now. Now it seems more like 'accepting what this is'.. just accepting my condition and my inability to fix it.
But at the same time that also creates a negative affirmation that I keep telling myself. And there really is no use in telling yourself that you can't do something.
So I'm a bit torn at the moment. There is this huge amount of sadness inside me about my reboot, yet there is also still this little spark of hope for improvement. I haven't been feeling very well lately. Either I'm working/doing sports way too much or I'm at home cancelling all my activities because I'm too tired.
At least I'm eating quite healthy, though I'm eating less because I want to shed the few pounds that I have to shed before I'm in a really good shape. That may also cause some of the tiredness and bad feelings.
Breakgirl still visits me every weekend. I still love the physical contact. And things continue to escalate sexually. This weekend I fingered her and gave her oral as well. Was lots of fun because I love to do that.. first time since 9-ish months. There was little physical arousal on my side though. I had full ED so she couldn't return the favor. We also talked some more about my problems, which was nice. For some reason I was dreaming of my ex while Breakgirl was lying in my arms at night. I found that to be pretty stupid.... I really don't understand why I think/dream of my ex so much.. I guess I miss certain things from the relationship that we had..
Excuse this clew of random thoughts that I just wrote. It's just a recap and I honestly don't really know why I wrote this down. I still feel the sadness and wonder why I'm posting here.
Besides fighting my own body in this reboot, I now also have to fight my thoughts as I have so little faith in my ability to reboot.