When the other forum (yourbrainrebalanced) launched, I initially went there as I understood this place was intended for karezza stuff mostly. But I didn't really feel "at home" there, I only posted a few times. Seems the forum here is still active as well.
Things are going quite ok with me on one side. Work and study are going pretty well. The weeks are quite exhausting and I feel I'm being productive. I had little depressed moments the last month.
That said, I've kinda given up on rebooting. Only made about 4 days at a time before relapsing. Usually just to give myself a break after a lot of work. A few days ago I made the error to masturbate in the morning as well as later that day and the day after. That set "The Blackness" in motion again. It's these depressed, suicidal feelings that I call "The Blackness", there is no other way to describe it.
By giving it a name, I am a bit better able to put the negativity outside of me, though it still is tempting to hate myself for it. Not putting so much effort in rebooting also removed a bit of the guilt/depression from masturbating that I had the last months. I think the reboot has a flawed component, as a relapse creates an awful amount of negative feelings and those feelings do not in any way aid the process.
The thing with breakgirl is a bit difficult. There was one bit of drama, after which she still wanted to see me. I feel she's really in love with me and I don't feel the same, she knows that. The sex is not really good (also because of my condition) and definitely not worth the hassle.
Of course I'm still lightyears away from a recovery. The sight of an attractive woman can still instantly depress me. Some women in salsa class are either interesting/cute or sexually attractive, but never both. So there are no women that I consider girlfriend material and I'm not sure I'll ever find one worthy of that status in this town. Going for sex only is not worth the gossip nor is it really possible with my condition.
That's about it for my update. Just dabbling on in life. Maybe I've already recovered as far as that's possible in my case. I'm able to go for a few days without masturbation, and in general I seem able to control my mood slightly better. Unfortunately good sex with an attractive woman is not part of this deal, but maybe I should just be grateful that I'm healthy otherwise.