Update after more than a month

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Submitted by Thebeg on
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When the other forum (yourbrainrebalanced) launched, I initially went there as I understood this place was intended for karezza stuff mostly. But I didn't really feel "at home" there, I only posted a few times. Seems the forum here is still active as well.

Things are going quite ok with me on one side. Work and study are going pretty well. The weeks are quite exhausting and I feel I'm being productive. I had little depressed moments the last month.

That said, I've kinda given up on rebooting. Only made about 4 days at a time before relapsing. Usually just to give myself a break after a lot of work. A few days ago I made the error to masturbate in the morning as well as later that day and the day after. That set "The Blackness" in motion again. It's these depressed, suicidal feelings that I call "The Blackness", there is no other way to describe it.

By giving it a name, I am a bit better able to put the negativity outside of me, though it still is tempting to hate myself for it. Not putting so much effort in rebooting also removed a bit of the guilt/depression from masturbating that I had the last months. I think the reboot has a flawed component, as a relapse creates an awful amount of negative feelings and those feelings do not in any way aid the process.

The thing with breakgirl is a bit difficult. There was one bit of drama, after which she still wanted to see me. I feel she's really in love with me and I don't feel the same, she knows that. The sex is not really good (also because of my condition) and definitely not worth the hassle.

Of course I'm still lightyears away from a recovery. The sight of an attractive woman can still instantly depress me. Some women in salsa class are either interesting/cute or sexually attractive, but never both. So there are no women that I consider girlfriend material and I'm not sure I'll ever find one worthy of that status in this town. Going for sex only is not worth the gossip nor is it really possible with my condition.

That's about it for my update. Just dabbling on in life. Maybe I've already recovered as far as that's possible in my case. I'm able to go for a few days without masturbation, and in general I seem able to control my mood slightly better. Unfortunately good sex with an attractive woman is not part of this deal, but maybe I should just be grateful that I'm healthy otherwise.

Comments

are you still masturbating to porn?

if you are, you could try to cut out the porn. That might be a good first step.

I think there was somewhere a thread from the Reddit group about a different way to reboot that wasn't based upon this group's abstinence routine.

It seems to me that getting out of porn would be a great step and make the next steps, whatever they are, easier. You aren't going to be happy until you can feel confident about your sexuality. Sooner or later you are going to want to get out from under this cycle.

Did you read fortune20's thread?

He has noticed that the "hangover of blackness" has decreased with time.  It's a signal that you're overtaxing your brain (depleting your dopamine receptors in the reward center?). Just trust your body's schedule and try to cut back until you find your right rhythm for now.

Sorry the ladies aren't quite doing it for you. Again, cutting back on masturbation can often make them look cuter and sexier.

I actually have that book. It

I actually have that book. It's an interesting read and I actually discovered the basic idea of the technique as a child. As far as I can tell it's just edging, but with these small-orgasms. Those light orgasmic feelings do lead to chaser-feelings so you want more, with a real O eventually.

That is actually how I've always masturbated. A number of those mini-O's, backing off and going again, until I would finally come.

A week ago I talked to a friend that I hadn't spoken with for a few months. Last time I told him about the reboot idea and he found it interesting. Then he didn't do anything sexual for about 40 days and he said he no longer masturbates. He does have regular sex and as far as I can say he's quite content with the sex. He only watches a bit of porn from time to time. So I don't suspect he was much into masturbatory practises to start with.

We've seen eachother in the

We've seen eachother in the weekends. At one point we had a talk about our feelings in the situation and it was clear that she wanted more and I didn't. It was awkward and we basically called it quits. But the week after she wanted to go home with me after a party so things kinda continued.

The weeks after that, I became more busy with my study and it started to feel a bit like an obligation to see her in the weekends, when I wanted to have time for myself.

I noticed I've become slightly avoidant when it comes meeting. We don't have much to say to eachother.. the ten-year age difference plays a role here. Everything I do is great in her eyes, it just doesn't feel comfortable that shes looking up to me that much.

Perhaps the more frequent masturbation also plays a role here in that I don't feel much of a need to cuddle at all.

So first of all I should get some more clear days under my belt. I still think that coninuing on this path with Breakgirl won't work for either of us.