I’m in general partial to waiting. It’s rare that I find things I chase. This dynamic can be good and bad. In a digital world where there is less sensory input there is even less that I chase and it can make doing anything challenging.
The only woman I’ve ever sort of chased I met in real life while not on a date. Otherwise, in real life women have chased me or nothing has happened. Online I could take or leave many people. Few really stand out. I’m sort of a date anyone person and I’d go out with most of them to see the vibe. Yet, it takes time and can be a drag. I don’t jump unless I see some willingness to explore me beyond a short reply or two. Even then, sometimes I don’t. I find many people I date could potentially be friends even though I feel no romantic connection. We’re reasonably compatible at some level. On the other hand, the lack of feeling much doesn’t lead me to more chase and so I’m terrible at second dates. I’m better at second meetings to do things in a friendly way. This pattern is somewhat unsatisfying. It also carries over into career where most job searching is happening online and feels similarly flat. What might be cool if offered in person is bland to my senses once digitized. It’s almost the opposite of what happens with porn. Some say online options are good for introverts. I’m a choosy introvert that wants my intuition to guide me. All the thinking online tends to get in the way. The only way out is if the person/company is broadcasting some resonating energy. Online, women are often amazed that I observed a tiny detail in their profile and inferred something about them. I do this even more so in the real world.
I recognize a masculine/feminine aspect to this. I’d say I’m a masculine chaser that uses feminine intuition about what to chase. I’m comfortable chasing or waiting. Too much patience makes it tough to get needs met. My values driven side won’t let me successfully chase just for the chase.
My wheels are left spinning. Do I chase more without regard for my intuition? Hit the power button on everything for more hours per day? Sandwich board for whatever I need in a busy part of town? Wait to be discovered? That’s not too likely for someone that is barely noticeable. Make semi-rigid rules about how many people to date each week?
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shall I be blunt?
if you were a girl I'd say you seriously need to get some action.
But since you are a guy, I'll say you seriously need to get some action. LOL.
You are extremely cerebral and living in your head much of the time. Are you really getting out there with women enough? Why not force yourself to get those second and third and fourth dates, just for building your social skills and the part of your brain that connects with others?
I would make semi rigid rules about dating and try to date much more. And really aim for female friends if sexual relationship isn't attractive. It sounds to me reading your posts that you really really need to be out there with real women interacting face to face a lot more.
Bluntness is great.
Bluntness is great.
I'm not sure I'm as cerebral as I can seem. I'm almost always playful, even when writing what can seem heady. I've not had anyone talk about headiness in person. If anything, it can be just the opposite as people can find me too playful. We're communicating by text which is inherently cerebral. In person, I have noticed that when I'm deeper, it can seem too heavy for some. That's happened even in empathetic environments in the form of someone having to break the depth with humor.
What gets triggered in you (and maybe others) that makes me seem cerebral? Maybe I can work backwards by considering that aspect of my interactions. I suspect part of the issue is that in written form and when another has to listen, the other’s brain feels heady and reflects that back at me.
I've been more aggressive about pursuing friendships by meeting again and staying in touch. Many women are not that available for any number of reasons. Seemingly, everyone is overloaded with tasks. I've considered that I'm subconsciously picking these unavailable people. Relationships unfold slowly for me. My closest male friend and I were out of touch for several years and then slowly became better friends despite being distant from each other. I'm not a social butterfly that's always out in groups. I fall into this role where people like me but don't make an effort to get to know me. It might have always been that way. People seem to want wisdom and not friendship. I often get to the point where women express interest in at least meeting as friends. They get busy with life and we don’t meet. Oddly, I seem relatively more compatible with those. Again, it might be subconscious selections of those not available. I move on to others and take the lessons learned from interacting.
very few men make the investment to be friends
Especially men as opposed to women don't make the effort to be friends.
Most friendships of mine have emerged out of a business relationship or end up in a business relationship. I guess that's not very healthy, or I'm not sure maybe it's okay.
Women seem to be friends around exercise or some activity and get together more and do more things together just as friends. Women seem to be able to be more intimate with their friends than guys, and seem to be more interested in friendships than guys, just to generalize.
I have my business friends. Some have their yoga friends, their spinning friends, their walking around the park friends. I suppose these are really acquaintances.
In Russian there is a word for very close true friend, and another for others, which we might call an acquaintance in English although this misses the mark. They use these different words with serious intent, but we don't do that in English. And yet, very few of us have true friends. I'm lucky to have one really close friend and three close-ish friends (all male). Course I have 3000 really close Facebook friends :)
I'm making an effort now to make some new friends, something I've never really done. I'm doing it through some meetup groups and see where that all goes. It's connected more around business for me, as always.
I'm happily married so I'm not looking for anything along those lines, but I really would like to have a few more friends (somewhere between the Russian concepts of friend and close true friend) who are located nearby. My friends are all over the US and we talk on the phone routinel but we don't get together much.
I'm actually thinking a lot about this. I think we all live in a physical plant that is conducive to perpetual loneliness and isolation. And I think something should be done about that.
Anyway, sorry to ramble about my own situation when this is your thread, but I suppose it has some bearing. People are as you say overloaded with tasks. Their plate is full, or at least that's their perception, and very little space for someone new.
I'm almost always the initiator of calls and conversations even with my close friends. They don't pick up the phone nearly as often as I do. It isn't a one way street by any means, but it isn't equal either. I think you have to realize that you may have to do most of the heavy lifting in these friendships or relationships and that isn't always a bad thing.
You do want to be friends (or lovers) with someone who has a lot going on for themselves though, right? Isn't that social success an attractive quality? And isn't that also responsible for their relative lack of availability or willingness to engage? We are attracted to busy successful people and those people don't have time to spend or much to give us, quite often.
Women have their
Women have their acquaintances and few friends just like men. I don’t see them having more true friends. Of course, like men, there is a spectrum.
I agree with much of what you’ve said. It’s strange that more people don’t want to be better friends. There’s almost a normal and typical now to isolation. Perhaps it is uncomfortable to feel lonely enough to want a friend. One has to acknowledge a lack.
I do the heavy lifting. That doesn’t bother me unless there is no reciprocation. What bothers me is the difficulty in finding people for whom I want to do the heavy lifting. That’s always been hard. Friends seem to choose me. I don’t like that dynamic. It doesn't lead me to the right people.
These aren’t busy successful people. There isn’t great status associated with the tasks they are doing according to them. I’m talking about overworking, overcommuting, and so on. . .survival in the 2012 urban jungle. I feel like the woman who doesn't want the workaholic guy. Only, it's the women who work too much.
I’ve gone to plenty Meetups. I’ve not had too much come out of it. I’ve yet to find a group that I’ve gone to consistently and repeatedly over a long time period. Several I liked died out rather soon, are in another city, etc. Nevertheless, it offered good experiences.