Day 20 - Relapsed under trying circumstances and went on a binge of epic proportions.

Hi Everyone,

16/01/2012 - 20/01/2012 - The Struggle

I have been really struggling over the last 5 days. I was unable to head out dancing on Wednesday night, as the pain in my chest was too extreme. I went to see a doctor the following day and he believed that I may have actually fractured a rib from the coughing I have done over the past two weeks. I have been feeling very frustrated, being sick and injured. Being a prisoner in my own home, unable to go out and socialise, exercise or meditate. I had no outlet to control my addiction and eventually caved to the strong prompting from my mind, and returned to my former self. My hands were actually sweating as I had a real internal struggle to not break my 20 days free from addiction. I used the PMO to self-medicate and just numb the pain away. I was watching a new show on ABC called ‘Once Upon a Time’, and one of the lines really struck a chord with me, “Because it was easy, safe. Not feeling anything is an attractive option when what you feel sucks”. PMO has always been my drug of choice for avoiding dealing with complex emotions and relating to others.

20/01/2012 - 31/01/2012 - The Binge [20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26]

I went into a very dark 7 day cycle of perversion, PMOing about 20 times. I really let my “Dark Passenger” into the driver’s seat during this period of despair and desperateness. It felt surreal the way I just escalated the addiction so quickly. My mind felt mentally exhausted and was powerless to stop it, once the momentum had begun. I really began to feel the dopamine surges as I sought new and exciting visual stimuli. At one point when I watching, I felt an extremely paralysing moment of despair, an almost out of body experience. It was like a circuit breaker had tripped in my mind, and I was disgusted with what I was doing, voyeuristically viewing sexual acts. The orgasms for me, were just a by-product of going on waves of dopamine rushes. It wasn’t even really pleasurable due to the sheer number of times.

01/02/2012 - 06/02/2012 - Back on the PMO Free Wagon for 6 days.

I have been PMO free for the last 6 days. It is good to be on the narrow path again. I was almost going to throw in the towel and just spiral back into my world of addiction, but the positive experiences from the first reboot, were enough to lead me back to my journey of healing.