Day 24

Submitted by getmeout on
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24 no PMO, 15 No O

I'm low. I feel so fucking needy. I woke up today in a way. I'm angry - but I'm using this to push myself. For example, I think the girl I'm seeing just wants attention. Now, I hate that I'm not sure because I still feel so fucking insecure. I hate this feeling with a passion. I hate the neediness. It's not about being angry at anyone. I'm angry at me. I'm better than this. I don't want to be some lame fuck wrapped in a blanket wondering where the world went. But, admittedly, I am like that sometimes. I have to be honest. I don't want to pretend that I'm not human. The fact is I do kinda like this girl. But I can't tell if it's worth it. Part of me just wants to call and say "no thanks." The other part of me isn't sure if it's just me being fucked up chemically or if I can really discern this.

I just hate feeling insecure. The only hope I have right now is knowing that when I last tried to reboot, I didn't feel insecure - I felt confident, I didn't doubt myself, and I just didn't care about the outcome.

I guess there's no way of knowing until I actually just finish the reboot. I can see why people relapse at this stage. This isn't easy. I thought the deep lows are gone - they're not. I just want to feel good about myself again! I want to feel emotionally healthy.

During these feelings, I have also felt like MOing - just to numb my feelings. However, I decided "FUCK NO" - I don't want to go through this again. I feel great for making it to now, but I don't want to start again - more than anything else. This is hell.

Comments

Stay with it

With all the pain and insecurities and anger. Feel them in their full extent. Don't try to numb, don't run away. They are there to teach you something and they will if you surrender. I cannot explain any better, you figure it out for yourself. If it's any consolation, better days ARE coming!

Thanks man!

I still feel terrible. And now I can see what has happened to me in the past. Normally when I feel rejected/insecure with women - I just watched loads of porn, and it made me feel better. It made me feel numb. Now I feel scared. I'm not running from it either though - I'm trying to accept that it's there. It's just really hard for me right now because I can't tell right from left in regards to women. Some days I want this girl, and others I push her away from fear. Man, this is so tough.