Before sharing my story, I must warn that what you are about to hear will be very strange, and it's unlikely you have ever heard a similar story, as I truly believe I am the only one in the world who has had this type of experience. I don't really expect anyone to be able to help me out, but I figure this site is my best option.
Many on this site are addicted to masturbating to porn. Me, I was addicted to masturbating, but have actually never masturbated to porn in my life. My addiction was really strange. You see, my first orgasm came when I was losing at a video game. I was about 12 at that time, and gaming was a big part of my life and I hated losing. It made me angry and stressed. I was losing at this football game and suddenly, I felt an orgasm for the first time. Weird right? My best understanding of this is that I orgasm-ed as a reaction to the stress/anger that was caused by losing, as afterwards I was no longer angry, it felt good. This would prove to be a very harmful experience as from that day, I began masturbating almost daily and it became an addiction. Now I hear it is very normal for people at that age to masturbate frequently when they discover it, the problem is I masturbated to something that was completely non sexual. After my first orgasm, I wanted to experience that feeling more and more. So what did I do? I fantasized about scenarios that would leave me stressed/angry, because that was how I first orgasmed. I was able to masturbate by imagining losing at games, in a way I became addicted to stress. Now here is what makes me sure that my addiction was to stress/anger. When I would lose games to males that were older than me, I would not get horny. I figure that had to to do with me not getting upset if I lose to someone older. However, if I lost to anyone (even a male) younger than me, I would get so horny, this is because losing to someone younger than me caused me a great deal of negative emotion. Furthermore, losing a game to any girl would get me the most horny, as you guys might understand, male kids hate losing to girls. This is the best way I can explain why my "sexual" fantasies involved me losing at games that I did not want to lose. This would turn out to be a real problem, I would go to online game rooms and purposely challenge younger girls to games and purposely lose, so I can fulfill these crazy "fantasies", as I kid I did not have the mental capacity to understand that I was addicted to stressful situations. This really messed me up, I turned more and more inwards over the years, becoming less confident and social. Now I no longer masturbate to these kind of messed up fantasies, but I fear my perception of sex is forever destroyed.
For a couple months I have been trying to quit masturbation, with some relapses. When I do masturbate these days, it is no longer to "losing games" anymore, but I still do not fantasize about actual sex with a girl. What turns me on now is watching girls dominate guys in wrestling. IMO, this is a little better than my previous "losing at games" fantasies, but of course I am still not normal. Today was day 12 of no masturbating for me, but I had a wet dream, which was me getting dominated by girl in wrestling, which really disturbed me, how can I get my brain to be wired correctly when I've never had sex, my brain's "sexual part" is so messed up from that early experience.