What Porn Taught Me: Part 3

Things are going along quite nicely. My anxiety is flaring up right now so instead of ruminating I'm just letting my thoughts and sensations sit there. That's good I figure.

The last thing that I feel porn taught me is that everything is sexual, if that makes any sense. I really feel porn mixed up cute, hot, sexy and many other things in my head. In fact, they seem so interchangable that real life is really weird. It almost feels like the fact that someone was a woman and was thin in my head was reason enough for me to consider them attractive. Those were literally the only criteria I have for determining attractiveness.

Consider the basis for one of my latest ocd fears, the fear of being a pedophile. I remember a few porn videos I've seen that have featured petite women that my mind tells me actually look like kids. It's hard not to check (since not checking generates anxiety but checking would just lead to other problems anyways) but I still feel like those women must look younger then they actually are. My mind uses this as a basis for "You must like young teenagers or children" and is fairly relentless in terms of this regard.

Their bodies look fully matured (I know this) but when they are clothed I find them unattractive. I almost feel like internet porn lets you neglect aspects of a woman you would find unattractive in favour of just finding something you find really attractive. In this case, although I do not find their face or certain aspects of them attractive, their really toned body is enough. I can focus on clips that emphasize that... I can pick and choose the clips I really want.

I almost feel like I've created a frakenstein monster of attractions. Some piece-wise abberation of features I like that when looked at objectively are unattractive. Basically, porn creates a visual disconnect. It has all the wham bams of nature with the ability to focus only on your favorite wham bams and without a need to actually care about an entire package.