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Courtly Companions
This website is a place where male and female can safely approach each other and gain deeper understanding for what the "other" half of the human race has been going through...while keeping an eye trained on the goal of reuniting with a real partner.
To this end, we created a "courtly companion" concept for site members. It's entirely voluntary, a sort of safe, encouraging arrangement between equals. Companions can use their user names and contact each other through the site. They needn't reveal their true identities, as that is unimportant for this type of connection. Companions simply try to be open and accepting as they listen to and support each other.
Anyone who wants to volunteer can indicate his or her willingness by creating a user account. Then click on the "Edit" link, then click on the "Courtly Companion" link, and then click the box.
Of course, anyone is also welcome to contact any other member directly and ask. The advantage to following the above procedure is that I can make sure the other person is also willing before you connect. I'll match people up on a first-come, first-served basis, and put out general calls from time to time when Companions are needed.
Please note: There is no "match making" involved. Age differences don't matter; only gender difference. Married people also serve as companions, just as in the courtly love tradition. If the connection feels right to both Companions, then it would proceed for a month, at which time Companions could mutually decide if they want to continue. I will be happy to reassign people at any time. Also, communications through the site are totally private. No one can see them, including me. 
Most of us have scars from the way our biological mating programs have made love seem scary. Genuine, kindly connections with the opposite sex - without recreation or procreation as the goal - seem to gently heal that alienation. By understanding, together, that we have all been tricked by biology, the pain seems to dissipate, and optimism is restored.
Obviously, this is not a romantic relationship. Courtly Companionship is simply a comforting, healing connection between two people, both of whom are devoted to helping ease any past hurts relating to alienation between the sexes.
A word on why I think this approach can help:
Men often contact me privately, and really seem to benefit from having a sympathetic female ear...one that doesn't need anything from them, and isn't expecting anything. In that comfortable space they are often able to see their next step toward healing something in themselves or their relationship. More importantly, over many years of such listening, I have gained a greater understanding of the kinds of hurt and challenges with which they are dealing (a chief one of which is today's flood of intensely stimulating visual erotica which can especially affect the male brain like drugs and be very difficult to leave behind). This makes it easier and easier for me to see men's situations with greater compassion. From their side, they seem to become more sympathetic toward women's challenges. I've also made some wonderful, trusted friends this way, whom I can ask for advice when I need it.
Recently a site member posted something about how imagining union with his "divine twin" prepared his energy field to open to a real partner. http://www.reuniting.info/node/362#comment-1908 I think that real cyberspace companions can fulfill a similar role of helping us to feel safe to open toward deeper contact with the opposite sex.
I ask that if Courtly Companions privately stumble upon insights that might inspire or comfort others, they share them with the rest of us. It is fine to post them on one's own blog, or here.
Please use this blog space also to suggest refinements to this effort, or share anything you wish to about the concept.
To sign up, go to "My Account" (or register) and click on "Edit." Then click on the "Courtly Companion" link and check the box. You may view a list of available Courtly Companions here. If there are more volunteers of your gender, then your wait will be longer.
- Fairy Godmother's blog
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Comments
Give it a try!
Hey folks,
I highly recommend this to everyone. It is like having a wonderful platonic friend. Someone you can share all your secrets with, get an honest response from, and know you are still loved and accepted for who you are.
So do it everyone! Don't be afraid. You can always cut it off it is not working. But I put my money on it working wonders in your life.
"Courtly Companions Rock"
See post by Oleander:
http://www.reuniting.info/node/1149
Deep Connection With Courtly Companionship
I have been corresponding with my Courtly Companion for about ten days. I believe that we are getting into some deep areas for mutual healing of our wounds - specifically wounds around sexuality and sexual expression. I don't recall ever being able to move this quickly into such deep and important intimacy. I'm guessing that my normal dating patterns actually get in the way of having the deep connection and honesty with a woman that I really want. I encourage all of you to become Courtly Companions. I truly believe that we are part of a deeply, profoundly healing path together
Calling all existing Courtly Companions
How is it going? What do you think of the concept? Should it be continued? Refined? Any suggestions? Any benefits to report?
Are you with the "right" Companion, or do you think you got someone else's by mistake?
If so, contact me for reassignment.
Thanks,
Fairy Godmother
Safety, first
I found the "brother-sister" association a bit amusing since family-boundaries have had no place in my childhood. I was adopted then sexually molested for years by various adoptive family members. [Is it incest if the so-called family member it is not a blood-relative... uh... YES!]
Somehow I have grown to respect personal boundaries very much, and feel it's critically important to link-together with like-minded people so growth and progress towards maturity can develop.
No one taught me about the sacred nature of sex. I had to learn the depravities first, and then find a way to fit them into my life in a way I can safely accept.
I like to see myself as a slowly developing mentor in sex-matters. I strongly believe respectful detached sharing is the safest way to assist those who no longer want to suffer alone with shame and guilt.
I'm very curious to learn how this Cyber Comfort Companion will work... it reads like an excellent idea!
Welcome Newfie,
Sorry the "brother-sister" analogy didn't work so well for you, and that your family members were not able to keep their priorities straight.
Let me know if you think of something better to describe what we're trying to create.
Safe Study Partners
It just so happens I'm a sick pup with a very twisted sense of humour, so I don't take semantics all too seriously! I suppose my not-so-hidden intent in making such a comment was to remind others how broad and intense some emotional-attachment issues go, and even simple words like "brother and sister" can become very strong emotional triggers. (Not always being safe or good).
I believe that's the point behind the creation of "safe-companions": create a safe way and means for a person to let it all out, without there being a sexual threat, right?
If that's the case, I believe this is the right route for distance-seekers to travel safely in a course that has many difficult chapters! I know for myself, I want and need distance, but I require complete uncensored openess and acceptance.
Something similar to courtly companions developed spontaneously
on the eHarmony Advice site. A small group of men and women seemed to naturally find each other and opened their hearts to one another (in this public forum) about the divide between the genders. The exchange was limited by a number of factors (who joins, why they're there, moderation/censoring of specific topics, the intrusion on mischief-makers) but still has transformed many who participated.
I watched for a long time, commenting infrequently, devloped some friends whom I could message privately, and even contacted some of them using my own personal email, not just the eHarmony/Advice system. One morning, this tired feminist, socially raised to both compete with and fear men, woke myself up as I rolled over to sleep some more, as a completely sweet dream about a specific man I pined for ended, saying "Men are just the >nicest< people!"
Shock! Surprise! And delicious, satisfied laughter. I meant it. I had never ever said it before much less thought it -- and certainly not believed it. But I had said it out loud, and I knew it was true and delightful, right, to know this new fact so surely.
It wasn't a dream. It really happened, and it has completely changed my approach to the world. I am comfortable, open, and the guarded cloak of fear and rigidity has begun to drop away. The more I dare to hold someone's glance, to smile, to be open to possibility (instead of guarded against certainty), the more possibilities come my way. Men and women, children, storekeepers, people in cars, strangers pushing shopping carts, men holding doors open...I can't wait for what's next!
Then I "accidentally" found this website, bought Peace between the sheets...what a lucky woman I am!
M
Thanks for your inspiration
and kind words. I went through a similar shift. I had always adored men, and was dismayed when I discovered that, deep down, I feared they would always start acting weird (after we got involved sexually, of course, although at that time I hadn't made that connection).
I did a lot of forgiveness work, and I'm convinced that one of the gifts of that was this insight about a different way to use sex - and why it's an improvement. The beauty of it is that it explains so much, that both genders can forgive the other, almost without a backward glance. "Of COURSE we were all acting bizarre and defensive! And it doesn't have to be that way if we don't let biology push us around."
Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you, too, have joined the "open heart" club again. It's a great feeling, isn't it?
Welcome to the site. I've enabled you to blog. Here are the instructions: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers If you can think of any way we can find some more women, let me know. We always seem to have extra men waiting...and I like the men visiting this site to feel well cared for!
keep on keeping on
Marnia I think it's a genius idea and I'm surprised I didn't think of it earlier!
We are doing wonderfully. It is evolving, but in a good way. We have a lot to share and learn from each other. It's like getting a long lost friend back. She's awesome. I encourage everyone to do this!
TLR
Ladies,
We have about five knights in shining armor (or at least princes in froggy disguises) who are waiting patiently for Companions. Could any of you find it in your hearts to volunteer to be a Companion? If not, could you volunteer your female friends by getting them to sign up?
Thanks,
Fairy Godmother
I'll think it over. I don't
I'll think it over. I don't want to commit to something I have no time for, tho I like the idea a lot. I'm already behind on my posts in here (I've discovered some really fascinating connections recently that are so huge, to me at least, that I need to sit down and really try to articulate them well). Also, I'm finishing up school these next few weeks. Perhaps more time will be freed up later.
What it comes down to is that I am already on the computer a lot with my work. I don't want to live my whole life through the computer.
What about the idea of trying to bring all of this 2-D sharing into the 3-D? Not necessarily by meeting in person but rather working on other projects - for example, we could make sacred objects for one another's altar's (assuming frogs and princes have altars, which they may not but which they could easily create) - and send them to one another as tokens of support and as reminders of the union of male and female. We could write one another hand-written letters - and send them to the general post office for pickup so that the real address of each person is still protected.
Any other ideas?
I can foresee enjoying doing a ritual for healing in which I meditate at the same time as a courtly companion, or I go on a walk and write them a letter or poem, or I sing them a song for their healing and send it on tape to them. But more time spent on the computer? . . hmmmm, I'll have to think about that one.
What a lovely thought...
kind of like the ladies of old giving the knights a token to carry into tournaments. I'm sure that would be much appreciated, especially by the men waiting.
I don't blame you for wanting to stay off the computer as much as possible. Some days I think I would grow roots from my root chakra if it weren't for walks, yoga and snuggling!
I was hoping to flush some of our shyer sisters into service. Your posts serve an important function as they are.
What a GREAT idea!
I love "meeting" someone from another part of the world and sharing our challenges, fears, and progress with one another.
My First Courtly Companion
Greetings:
I just completed my first Courtly Companion experiment. I think it went well. I certainly felt comfortable corresponding with her using the PM feature of this site.
The main difficulty we had was that I oftentimes take longer to process information and reply to people which can be disconcerting. I hope that the Fairy Godmother will grant me a new Courtly Companion. In the next experiment I'd like to see if we could extend the time to maybe two months and have the understanding up-front that I will take time to absorb the information and the experience. This may also be an issue in "real life" because the other person may want a quicker response.
I think we are on the right track.
Anyone needing a Companion
should go to his/her account and click on "Edit" and then find the "Courtly Companion" link and check the box. Otherwise you will not appear on the list that I check to match people.
My courtly companion is awesome!
The courtly companion experiment was just picking up around the time I joined this community, and admittedly, I was very nervous about jumping on board. However, my new friend has been nothing less than a divine gift. I reached out to him because I felt that he could use the support of someone like me, and soon after, I realized that I, too, was very much in need of personal support. I have been walking this path alone for so long, I forgot what it was like to have someone with which to share and discuss the ups and downs of celibacy and controlled intercourse. This is exactly what I needed.
Aside from the more obvious benefits of building friendship and trust with someone of the opposite sex, I have found that our exchanges have done something else for me, something very important. Talking with my friend everyday, even if our messages are brief, is a daily reminder of the work I have come here to do. Avoiding emotional and psychological wounds is all too easy to do in this world of endless distractions. Not only does my companion remind me that I have work to do, he is here to support me while I do it. I can't even remember a time when I felt so focused on my goals. It's like having a workout buddy, but for intimate healing! It's a brilliant idea, and I recommend it everyone.
An Improvement
I was just thinking as I read Mari's post that it might be a good idea to develop a format that peole could use if they wanted to. Many 12-Step Meetings have a meeting format that is agreed to by group consiousness. I wrote to my Courtly Companion about twice a week because I really had no idea what to write about. Is my automatic forgetter working better than I'd thought? The idea of agreeing upfront to have correspondence daily - even if only a very brief message could be a good one.. I'd also like to see if people might be willing to post topics that they've discussed either during the Courtly Companion process or after you have finished with one partner.
Any lthoughts?
Well William, I noticed that
Well William, I noticed that my companion and I have been regularly corresponding with each other at least a couple of times each day. We also have discussed in some way both of the problems you mentioned. I found though, that we figured out what to talk about because we both knew what we needed to talk about, if that makes any sense. For instance, I have been talking about sexual imagery as of late with my companion because it's been a problem, and trying to understand why I have these feelings and beliefs. My companion has found the things she needs to talk about and has when needed to. I do agree with the mutually agreed agenda can help, but as you may find with your next companion, William, it's going to be a different can of worms for each person, and they must contractually agree individually.
The other problem you mentioned we have, specifically the communication issue, we've both thought about a lot. We have both committed to coming up with a solution that involves some real-time solution (instant message, web camera, etc.) sometime in the near future. The specifics have not been hammered out.
I had a question: is there a time constraint to the system? I've been acting as if one didn't exist.
Thanks for your thoughts
I don't feel inspired to set any guidelines, because the chemistry will be different for each pair, as will the intensity of the issues discussed. However, if any of you develop and recommend guidelines, I will be happy to link to them from the "Courtly companion" page - as a possible option for those wondering how best to proceed. I'm sure some people will find them helpful.
I ask people to try the connection for a month, and then decide together if they want to go forward, or if they're "talked out." It is fine to ask for a new Companion. We learn different things from different people. Anyone who feels ready to move on should trust that their Companion will benefit from that as well.
Sign me up, I'd like to be a
Sign me up, I'd like to be a courtly companion. If there's anyone you think I'd be particularly suited with, Fairy Godmother, let me know.
Peaceful Dating - Sober Dating
Dear friends, the Courtly Companionships I've had since we started this have been truly a blessing. I want to put something else out onto this thread. I feel that I'm far enough along in my sexual healing to start dating. I really want to meet a woman who is open and even enthusiastic about the ideas and practices of Peace Between the Sheets. I would appreciate it if others on the site would submit some ideas about:
* Where would I go to meet such a Goddess?
I've tried the internet dating thing and it is very unsatisfactory for lots of reasons.
I'm really stumped and hope to get some ideas from y'all.
My courtly companion and I
My courtly companion and I don't seem to be companions in any sense. I feel I've made an attempt to engage a dialogue but with little results. Probably he just has better things to do (hopefully not porn). Anyway, I still like the idea of it with someone who is actually willing to share themselves.
I'll find you someone
Otherwise you'll have so many pen pals you won't ever get out into nature!
Using GoogleTalk
My Courtly Companion and I have been e-mailing each other using our gmail accounts for a few weeks. We developed trust with each other pretty quickly and began using our gmail accounts to correspond with each other. One of the cool features of gmail is GoogleTalk, where you can chat in real time. Tonight we had our first conversation on GoogleTalk. I really enjoyed the immediatcy of connection. We were able to give each other support in the moment.
The last time I checked you needed an invitation from a current gmail user to get gmail yourself. If any of you would like such an invitation; just PM me from this site and I'll send you an invitation
new courtly companion
I have recently begun to correspond with my Courtly Companion, and it's been lovely. We have quite a bit in common. It's great 'practice' for getting to know someone outside of a sexual or dating context, for setting up a respectful communication with good boundaries, for being authentic. It's been a great experience so far, and I would highly recommend it.
Cariad