The Link Between Rage and Shame

Thanks to a recommendation of a friend of the site, I spent some time reading in a book called Attachment-Focused Family Therapy. I thought this information about guilt, shame and rage was very interesting. When someone overreacts on the forum, it can be that that person is dealing with a past history of being shamed (invalidated). It seems that three things help:

(1) Validating the person's perspective, regardless of what the objective truth may be in the situation. You don't need to agree, but you need to let them know you heard them and understand how *they* see something. The book suggests listening with an attitude of playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy (PACE)...rather than approval or disapproval.

(2) Since shame threatens someone's self worth, it helps to validate their worth as a person, even if you can't like their behavior, and

(3) Strengthening a sense of attachment...that is, try to avoid shunning them...even when their behavior has to be corrected.

[Excerpts are from pp.181-190]

Too often clinicians and parents speak of "shame and guilt" as if these were two words for the same...state, or at least two aspects along a continuum, describing the same underlying moral emotion. [It's crucially important to differentiate between "shame" and "guilt.]

1. Shame focuses on self, guilt focuses on behavior.

2. Shame is a much more painful affect than is guilt.

3. With shame one experiences feeling small, worthless, and powerless. With guilt, one experiences feeling tense, remorseful and regretful.

4. With shame one is concerned with the other's evaluation of oneself. With guilt one is concerned with the effect of one's behavior on others.

5. With shame one desires to hide, escape, or attack. With guilt, one desires to confess, apologize, and repair the relationship.

6. With shame, the self is split between the ...devalued [self] and the observing self. With guilt, the sense of self remains unified and is not devalued.

...with guilt one does something wrong, and the self is left intact. With shame, one's behavior is [treated as if it's] a sign of an aspect of self that is damaged. One's behavior reveals to others that one is inherently "bad" or "flawed." As a result, the self attempts to achieve a distance from the behavior and hide from the eyes of others. With shame one shrinks from being exposed, whereas in guilt, one addresses one's own behavior with the other in order to repair the damage that the behavior caused to the person or the relationship with him or her.

When, under conditions of shame, one is not able to hide, but remains exposed to the other, one is likely to lash out in a state of rage....and to "shift the blame elsewhere," externalizing the problem and directing rage at the supposed source of the problem. An added benefit of moving from shame toward rage at others is that by becoming angry, the person is reactivating and bolstering the self, which was previously so impaired by the same experience.

[Whereas guilt often correlates with empathy, those feeling shame often have trouble empathizing. Also shame is often related to psychopathology, where guilt is not.]

Shame becomes extreme in cases of child abuse or neglect, or moderate in cases of habitual harsh discipline, especially when it involves emotional abuse and withdrawal from the child.

[Shame also causes problems] when the parent consistently fails to re-attune and repair the relationship following routine discipline and mis-attunements. [The child doesn't learn] to auto-regulate what would otherwise be routine experiences of shame, and they therefore become more pervasive and intense. This chid does not gradually move from states of shame to states of guilt, which are associated with specific behaviors or small, routine failings on the part of their caregiver. Rather, shame remains and it threatens the relationships. ... The child concludes that he is shameful, and did not simply engage in an inappropriate act; that parts of him are flawed, unlovable, bad, and deserve harsh discipline. The child believes that, at those times, he does not deserve to be comforted in response to stress, whether it's the stress of shame, fear, or other dysregulating states.

Children tend to develop extensive, rigid defenses in their attempts to regulate such overwhelming and increasingly chronic states of shame. One defense is to avoid affective interactions with their caregivers. These interactions do not elicit safety, self-pride, and validation. Rather, the child anticipates being perceived with disgust, rejection, rage, and contempt in his parent's eyes and voice. These children...attempt to hide from attachment figures, in an attempt to feel less shame.

Attachment relationships are fragmented, fragile, and unstable when a [person frequently feels shame]. One is quick to assume that one's attachment partners perceive one as being bad or worthless or [lacking in vital characteristics]. One also perceives the behavior of one's attachment figures as being motivated by negative intentions. [One assumes the attachment figure perceives one in the same manner as one perceives oneself, and is therefore likely to "punish" one's "shamefulness".]

[This can cause "shamed" people to avoid discussing anything they perceive as shameful - and they may even hide such things from themselves. They may also avoid relationships, because it seems inevitable to them that the attachment figure will, sooner or later, perceive and respond to the person's "shameful" qualities.] Such perceptions and responses inevitably will lead to rejection and abandonment.

[By hiding from any "shameful" behavior] the individual is less likely to learn from his mistake and refrain from that behavior again, less likely to notice the effect of his behavior on others, and in so doing is less likely to develop empathy for others. The person will be less likely to be motivated to "right" the "wrong" that he had done, being less willing to accept the consequences and assist the other. Rather, his motivation will be focused entirely on protecting himself from the states of pervasive shame that are likely to be felt if he engages in any of those behaviors that show sensitivity to the one that he hurt.

[It's hard for these people to seek treatment because when shame arises, they tend to] deny their behavioral problems and hide from the eyes of others when these problems are exposed. [The therapy relationship can be very fragile, because the person assumes that the therapist will abandon the person once any "shameful behavior" is exposed.]

Not only do such clients anticipate that others will see them as being "bad," but they see themselves that way. ... These individuals are not likely to reflect on their motives and intentions for their behaviors because they are convinced that such explorations will only lead to evidence of being worthless. They assume that "under the behavior" is something that is worse than the behavior itself. ... They dread what will be uncovered.

... Shame places one in a fog, hidden from potentially significant others, actively avoiding the exposure to another who could provide--through intersubjective experiences of acceptance, understanding, and empathy--a pathway toward both [regulation of emotions and] self-awareness.

... [Shame, and the chronic fear, anger or sadness it causes] breed defensiveness, avoidance, and distancing behaviors. The therapist needs to be aware of those states and address them with empathy whenever they are present. To protect the members of the family against shame the therapist needs to remind all of them in word and deed that the dialogue being sought is the expression of subjective experience, not any effort to "prove" that something is "objectively" present. The child may say that she feels that her mother is being unfair to her. This does not mean that the mother is "objectively" being unfair. [The goal is simply to acknowledge and empathize with the child's feelings about the matter... not to change the mother's course of action.] Questions [to the child] regarding what that feels like, how she manages those feelings, why, if she is correct, her mother would treat her unfairly [are useful...not arbitrating a behavioral dispute. The goal is to help family members see that their feelings may be making them feel less close to each other. Once that's out in the open, they can "heal the gap" in the relationship, even if the "unfair behavior" remains.]

When shame becomes exposed and expressed and is responded to with empathy, the resulting .. experience is often transforming. The sense of self deepens and becomes more coherent as an aspect of the past begins to be welcomed into [one's personal narrative]. A new meaning of the event is now [created]. If guilt is present, [the person is now motivated to repair the relationship.] The attachment security is enhanced and the self is transformed. Conflicts that had existed [even for years] are now amenable to repair.

I liked this quotation, too. It suggests how important and healing it can be for someone who has suffered childhood trauma to be heard.

Being able to acknowledge these experiences, accept them, and investigate them in terms of their meaning and what they reveal about the conditions with which one has to deal, and being able to communicate about them to oneself and to trusted others, is the deepest undoing of pathology. --Diana Fosha

Also see this discussion of shame: http://www.reuniting.info/node/1786#comment-5475

And this article on shame, which lists helpful telltale signs that shame is at work: http://www.reuniting.info/node/3752

And this thread on shame, which highlights the important of finding people you trust to mirror back the best in you, rather than confirming your false "shameful" self-image: http://www.reuniting.info/node/3758