 The Multiple-Lover Phenomenon
In the June newsletter we described the unconscious evolutionary program that causes women to find "Don Juans" compelling. Briefly, if your sex partner is attractive to lots of women, your future son has a better shot at that quality - and at opportunities to spread your genes in the next generation. Needless to say, this evolutionary program also discourages lasting harmony. Yet it's easy to see why evolution has conserved it; it passes on lots of genes.
The multiple-lover phenomenon is another common unconscious pattern. As soon as you start to get closer to your mate, someone else shows up to tempt you. This recently happened to a friend:
For the first time in my life, I have been approached (unsolicited - at least consciously) by a woman (not my partner) to be her lover. This came out of the blue for me, and it blew me away emotionally for a few days. I still feel rattled...She wants me to pleasure her - yet doesn't want anything more - because she is married...another wrinkle.
Is the universe/spirit testing me (ha! ha!)? The problem is that my body responded with a big "yes!" although I have not done anything and made no commitment (yet). When I think of her and being with her (she is quite attractive, intelligent, and dynamic), I feel energy pulsing in my perineum and a tingling in my chest and solar plexus. Sometimes, I shake. Once, I sat and cried. I have no romantic feelings for her - just a sexy excitement....
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 Letters from the Trenches
I am very excited about integrating these new practices into my relationships. I have been a student of tantra for a number of years now, and have been aware of the many benefits associated with ejaculation control for men. I tried learning this on my own several times, but was never very successful - maybe without a partner I didn't have enough incentive? I was fortunate enough to eventually have a very patient and loving partner who assisted and encouraged me in learning how to control my ejaculations. That experience was very powerful for me, I felt much more present, energetic, clear-headed, and strongly centered in my masculine energy when I was not ejaculating. I also surprisingly felt very sexually satisfied. After a while, I started having very subtle orgasms without ejaculation - which never diminished any of the positive effects (maybe these were valley orgasms?).
My partner reacted very favorably as well. She had had some negative experiences in the past - so having a lover who focused on her pleasure and well-being was quite a healing experience. I had no idea at the time about the emotional hangovers that women experience, but that would account for the emotional peaks and valleys that she exhibited. We eventually grew apart - she was eager to explore life independently for a while.
I am currently in an on/off relationship with a woman who encourages me to ejaculate, so consequently I have gotten quite lazy. She is a very giving lover, and imagines that I can't possibly enjoy myself without cumming. The first few months into the relationship, we were making love frequently, I unconsciously started blocking time out on my calendar for recovery. It's funny to think about now, but my work and exercise schedules were totally dependent upon the frequency of my ejaculations. We are currently "taking a break" - mainly because she has become an emotional basket case. I thought that it was just her nature, but after reading this book, I fully understand what's going on. She doesn't value relationship as much as I do - she has been very happily single and independent for most of her life - so I imagine that she won't be up for this program, but I guess time will tell.
It's been very difficult for her because she has enjoyed many benefits from our love and intimacy - she has literally bloomed, is much more loving and playful, laughs more, has improved her health, etc. - everyone around her notices the difference. But on the downside, the emotional ups and downs have been devastating for her. I have noticed myself being quite a bit more emotionally needy in this relationship as well.
I am so grateful for this information, and I'm very much looking forward to learning more about how to create a successful, loving relationship through these practices.
 PEACE BETWEEN THE SHEETS News
Visit our new web site(developed with the patient, knowledgeable assistance of a kind-hearted French "Peace" reader). It is still under development, but already has a dynamic first page, which will change constantly as items of interest are added to the site. If you want to contribute an item, contact us at feedback at reuniting dot info.
We've just learned that an article about "Peace" by journalist Giampiero Cara was published in the February edition of the Italian edition of "Vanity Fair" magazine. Thanks Giampi!
 In a new book, a marriage historian says romance wrecked family stability
June 6 issue of Newsweek - For the true commitment-phobe, living among the Na people in southwestern China would be paradise. The Na are the only known society that completely shuns marriage. Instead, says Stephanie Coontz in her new book, "Marriage, a History," brothers help sisters raise the children they conceive through casual sex with nonfamily members (incest is strictly taboo). Will we all be like the Na in the future? With divorce and illegitimacy rates still high, the institution of marriage seems headed for obsolescence in much of the world. Coontz, a family historian at Evergreen State College in Washington, doesn't proclaim the extinction of marriage, but she does argue that dramatic changes in family life over the past 30 years represent an unprecedented social revolution - and there's no turning back. The only hope is accepting these changes and figuring out how to work with them. The decline of marriage "doesn't have to spell catastrophe," Coontz says. "We can make marriages better and make nonmarriages work as well."
To understand how we got here, Coontz traces the evolution of marriage from Paleolithic times. Throughout human history, people married to arrange child rearing, pass on property and organize life. Until relatively recently, most of these alliances were not legally sanctioned but rather informal arrangements accepted by society at large. The choice of partner was rarely left to the couple; parents and other respected community elders made the match. "Marriage was a way of turning strangers into relatives, of making peace, of making permanent trading connections," Coontz says. "There are many different languages that call wives the Anglo-Saxon equivalent of the word 'peace-weaver'."
In the Western world, that model held until about 200 years ago, Coontz says, when the idea of marrying for love emerged. Those who bemoan the current state of marriage should blame the Enlightenment emphasis on self-fulfillment and the pursuit of happiness. It took a while for the love revolution to have its full impact. Some other barriers had to be knocked down first: inequality between men's and women's roles, little social mobility, unreliable birth control and harsh penalties for illegitimacy.
By the 1970s, Coontz says, these obstacles were gone and marriage became a potentially much more satisfying personal relationship but a much weaker social institution and the subject of intense debate. In this country, it has become a lightning rod, Coontz says, "for our anxieties about our speeded-up, materialist, winner-take-all society. People think if only marriage were more committed, that would take care of all the other problems." But Coontz argues that it's pointless to try and roll back time. For better or worse, we're stuck with marrying for love and accepting the consequences of living happily ever after - until someone better comes along.
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A Taste of Heaven
This case history is excerpted from an old book entitled, Sex Perfection and Marital Happiness. It was one of a series of patient experiences that convinced Freudian psychiatrist Rudolf Von Urban, MD that orgasm is not essential to sex happiness, and that the exchange of bio-electricity is more important. This case begins with the story of a woman who had been terrorized as a twelve-year old by her stepfather's rape attempt. As a result, Mary was extremely frightened of contact with men. In her mid-twenties, a young doctor fell in love with her. Fred promised that if she would marry him, he would not try to make love with her. Here the excerpt begins:
After six weeks of unconsummated marriage Mary's love for Fred was no less passionate than his for her. It was then that they spent their first night together in one bed, naked body to naked body. Fred's was a superhuman task. The best way to do this, he found, was to concentrate all his thoughts and feelings, all his awareness, on those parts of his body which touched Mary.
They lay close together, entirely relaxed, delighting in this bodily contact. And then, after about half an hour, Fred told me, something indescribable began to flow in them, making them feel that every single cell of their skin was alive and joyful. This produced in Fred rapture and delight such as he had never before experienced. (This delight was reduced if both had not taken a bath before lying down together.) And Mary, he said, felt the same. He had the impression that all these million sources of delight merged into one and streamed to the skin of those parts of his body which were in contact with Mary. His body seemed to dissolve; space and time dropped away; and all thoughts disappeared, so consumed was he by a voluptuous rapture which he could find no words to describe. Mary's words for it were "superhuman," "divine." They both, he said, lost at that moment all fear of death. This, they felt, must be a prevision of the afterlife; they were already on the bridge between the material world and the spiritual universe. They had tasted heaven.
This ecstatic experience endured throughout the night. But, after seven hours, a feeling of suffocation set in. They had to separate immediately. If they attempted to ignore this feeling, they became antagonistic to each other. But if they took a shower, or a rubdown with a wet towel, they could go back to bed and re-enter their state of superhuman bliss without difficulty. The next day they were both extremely happy and relaxed, full of life and energy, strangers to all forms of anxiety, pettiness or anger.
In comparing the kind of satisfaction he had previously known in normal intercourse, with this new rapture experienced with Mary, Fred said that the difference was that between earthly and celestial love. Compared with the continuous, lasting and superhuman happiness induced by his new experience, the temporary delight, during spontaneous ejaculation, was hardly worth mentioning. ...
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