"Intimate Communion" by David Deida (excerpts)
When we no longer feel happy, free and loving, we begin to search. The direction in which we search - whether through greater power or creativity, more money or better sex - is always a deviation from the direct realization of our true Being.
Whereas the Feminine tends to deviate by searching for more love, the Masculine tends to deviate by searching for more freedom, release or even death-like states of tension-free stillness.
Many men, for example, experience orgasm as an approximation of this feeling of freedom, release and tension-free stillness. Their feeling after orgasm is like a little death.
A very common deviation for men, therefore, is to become addicted to seeking orgasm. That is, rather than following their basic impulse all the way to the point of true freedom - which is called ego-death in many spiritual traditions - many men settle for the repeated little death of orgasm. Orgasm (or TV or beer) is their chosen method for being released from their constricted sense of self. They are not yet awakened to the absolute freedom of their true nature, relaxing deeply into the vast openness of their true Being. Instead, they repeat their habitual method for attaining temporary and relatively superficial release….
We must realize that there is nothing wrong with the Masculine desire for "death" and release, in and of itself. It is our obligation, however, to couple this desire with the true motive of our heart, the deepest desire for freedom, love or happiness, inherent to our being. It is certainly more loving, free and happy to experience the release from an orgasm than the release from striking someone in anger. But it is even more loving, free and happy to "die" directly into your true nature, to let go of your essential tension as you relax directly into who you are in truth. To do so, however, you must let go of your old habits of searching, your past deviations….
We must admit, finally, that orgasm does not satisfy this desire [for ego-death and release] for very long. True, we experience a blissful peace after orgasm - and such temporary bliss is also reported by soldiers, athletes and philosophers. There are many ways to approximate the ultimate realization of ego-death, but none of them are the real thing.
And this is what we must come to admit: However satisfying our deviation is, we are not perfectly released into the happiness of our very being. Rather, our craving soon begins again, and we are locked into a life-long cycle of repeating our deviation, our approximation of death-like release, through sex, through inebriation, through losing ourselves in TV or at the movies, and even through the release we experience from artistic creation or from understanding an elegant philosophical theory. None of these things bring an end to our search for release…
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