Positive Sex
My husband and I were fortunate to be raised in sex-positive households. Gary's father worked in schools as a sex educator as part of his career. My grandmother was a social worker - for whom no questions were off limits - and my mother's attitude was quite open too. Religion was not a big factor in either of our families.
When we became sexually active in our late teens, long before we met, we did so with enthusiasm. Orgasms were a natural part of our explorations. Like most folks, we assumed they were the ideal conclusions to a sexual encounter - for both partners. Sex clearly seemed meant for pleasure.
Yet cracks appeared. Gary struggled with chronic depression and ultimately addiction - not to mention relationship troubles. I suffered from urinary tract infections, and emotional drama in my fragile relationships. Neither of us connected these conditions with our activities in the bedroom…until years later.
An explanation finally showed up in a Taoist lovemaking book. It said that orgasm could be "draining." Not only could it cause feelings of depletion or neediness, but those feelings could also result in resentment, uneasiness or anger between partners - well after the pleasures of the bedroom. These same feelings of depletion and neediness indirectly affected our physical and mental health, too...at least our wellbeing certainly increased as we explored the Taoist approach.
It was still hard to believe that passion was causing trouble, but the results spoke for themselves; mankind had a hidden weakness - or untapped potential, depending upon your point of view. Then came Gary's insights about the brain chemistry of the reward center and the benefits of oxytocin. Wow! So many things came into focus. Even the cultural contradictions between "sex positive" and "sex as sinful" began to dissolve. It wasn't a case of either/or. Used carefully, sex healed. Used impulsively, sex eroded wellbeing and willpower....
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