Home › forums › Experimenting without a partner › Anxiety about getting closer to others

how to allow oneself a relationship?

Mon, 2007-12-24 11:44 — Allowing

Hello, 1st post here. I'm male, mid-twenties, single, and I'd like to dwell a little on WHY really.
I'm sure there are a few folks around whom find themselves without relationships for years, and some may never have one - WHY don't we just go out and meet someone NOW, if that's what we want?
I'm convinced from what I've read, that relationships are of high importance to human health, and I do thrive on the relations to my friends and family - but have no romantic/sexual partner, which puzzles me: everytime a relevant person comes close (I mean, in terms of physical attraction) I tend to (1) initially show interest and ultimately (2) push away, leaving the other person uninterestet. I would think I don't care for my own selfworth with this kind of behaviour, but I don't know. I do not practise any selfdestrcutive behaviour, and share career related responsibilities, and I'm not depressed as far as I know. I have not suffered any childhood trauma either. I just can't make that initial contact, if I know it may result in a beautiful relationship for myself!
The more the other person and I "click", the more I'll be sure to show some disinterest *eventually*. Now that's not wise I know. I tend to think this is psychologically learned, and if someone can related to this and perhaps recommend a book exploring this exact "dilemma" I'd be grateful. Or share some experience. I've read many traditional "self-help/fix-yourself" books, which failed to motivate me regarding this.
Thank you for reading this.

‹ RADical thinking: Porn Reform Please tell me it gets easier... ›
Tue, 2007-12-25 02:13 — Love Shy

Love-Shyness

Hello Allowing,

Thank you for your post. I wanted to respond for two reasons:

1. I can relate to much of what you say.
2. I do know of at least one resource you might find interesting.

For myself, I have been single for almost 12 years now, and have been on only one date in the last 9 years. In my own experience, this issue has not always been simple to understand. I’ve considered so many possible factors involved in my own case, so I don’t like to limit the consideration to just one factor.

One resource I found interesting to read is a book that was written by a man named Dr. Brian Gilmartin back in the 80’s, called Shyness and Love. The book documents what he believed to be a real “syndrome” afflicting close to 1% of the population, which he called “love-shyness.” People who are love-shy (mostly men) have strong desires to be in an intimate relationship but have too much anxiety about the possibility to make it happen, so to speak. What you described about your own situation sounds very similar to this. Gilmartin covers many factors from genetic, social, cultural, astrological, and karmic that he believes contribute to this syndrome. (Though his work is well-researched, it seems unfortunate that his ideas did not gain wider acceptance… nor did the tools he originally employed to help such people, even though they proved quite effective.)

In any case, the book is a fascinating read, and is quite long actually (700 pages). You can find a much shorter version at the Yahoo Group, under the “files” section (I've listed relevant web-sites below). Though I don’t necessarily agree with all the conclusions of the book, it was important for me to read, as it was a catalyst for getting in touch with a feeling of compassion for myself around this issue, and general feelings of grief about it. So far though, I cannot say anything has changed in my life (in terms of having a girlfriend, in other words).

Let me know what you think of Gilmartin's work. Perhaps we can have further discussion as well about possible factors contributing to this condition.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness (explanation of love-shyness)

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/loveshy_drgilmartin/ (yahoo group)

http://www.love-shy.com/ (main web-site)

Wed, 2007-12-26 18:42 — Allowing

Thanks for your post. I

Thanks for your post. I quickly browsed the links, and found them interesting. Basically this quote attracted my attention: "A part of the problem is that all love shy persons have different backgrounds, different reasons for ending up like this, different problem issues, and will require different methods for healing the wounds". I've read many a seduction book, because I originally thought I was bad at interacting and socialising w/women, but I've found that's not a bigger problem: closing the deal *is*.

Again, it seems I should just get my act together, and in the spirit of Nike just DO IT (ask someone out, or when someone actually is genuinely interestet, take her home or whatever, but that's just impossible for me, it's crazy (Or at least have not happened yet!). I'll have a closer look at the book and the yahoo group.

So seduction books have not been helpful for you either, or?

Fri, 2007-12-28 04:10 — Marnia
Marnia's picture

No time right now...

but all my women friends are LONGING to meet you guys, so would you PLEASE reach out. Eye-wink

Hugs,
Marnia

Sun, 2007-12-30 21:41 — Love Shy

More on Love-Shyness

I appreciate what you are saying. You should know however that one of the main points of Gilmartin's work is that so-called "reaching out" is not the best solution for love-shys. In general, love-shys have too much anxiety about even approaching this possibility, and are in need of a greater support structure to aid with their problem. That is why Gilmartin originally employed what he called "practice-dating," where love-shys were assigned dating partners as part of therapy. The success rate was quite high, though the idea of the love-shy syndrome has yet to gain wide acceptance, so this method is not readily available. Love-shys have few options today.

Please have compassion for the love-shys. They are not capable of reaching out in the ordinary ways that most people can. If you wish to understand better why, I would suggest reading the short version of Gilmartin's book, available at the love-shy Yahoo Group, in the "files" section.(http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/loveshy_drgilmartin/)