Hi, tlr!

I've been in the same boat as you for just over a year, so I thought you might like to hear my 'take' on things, plus, I've put a couple of .mp3 audio files on my server which I thought might give you a flavour of the kind of dating advice for men available now online. It's getting better.

First, on the orgasm issue, I understand from Marnia that abstaining from orgasm is of benefit to both sexes, in terms of conservation of life energy, as the ancients would have put it, or in order to avoid the neurochemical 'dopamine crash' as Marnia and Gary's perspective would put it. Some confusion may occur because in conventional sex magick under Patriarchy, and traditional tantra, I understand, the woman as magickal instrument or tantrika was seen as merely a facilitator of the magical accomplishment or attainment of siddhis (magical powers) of the male practitioner. So while the man learned to conserve and sublimate his semen and spiritual power, it was seen as unimportant whether the female partner orgasmed or not, or even, in the case of tantra, encouraged in the belief that her sexual energy was then empowering and rejuvenating him.

From the little I've read so far, such as The Secret of the Golden Flower in the seventies, Taoist Sexual Yoga seems to have been more egalitarian, in fact in some cases the man was seen as the vehicle for the woman's transcendence, as in the Cult of the White Tigress, which still exists today:

http://www.taotraditions.com/

In this Chinese tradition of sexual yoga or alchemy, women are seen as the principle practitioners, and it is the men who are their assistants or consorts. This reminds me a little of an article on this site about the Courtly Love of the Cathars, in which the Lady guided and trained the man in sexual restraint.

On the other side, there is the pre-orgasmic sex method of 'Yogani' who Marnia made me aware of, based at http://www.aypsite.org/ . Although he's actually an American based in Ohio I think, he is really very good and obviously writes from personal experience:

Tantra: Discovering the Power of Pre-orgasmic Sex(2006)AYP Publishing, p 20-21

He publishes his own books, as well, and his web site has extensive resources.

The active teasing method described above, used by the man, known as imsak has it's equivalent in the feminine skills of pompoir ( 'squeezing):

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pompoir

and kabazzah ('holding'):

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Kabazzah

( like the examples of use? I must have my little joke )

The female techniques of stimulation of what Yogani calls the lingam require well-developed front and back internal vaginal PC muscles, for which daily squeezing ( 'kegels' is advisable:

http://www.childbirth.org/articles/kegel.html

This is the best training aid available:

http://www.kegeltoner.com/the_kegelmaster_2000.htm

The advantage of your female partner training her PC muscles to perform various squeezing, rippling and milking motions, is that they can be undertaken while you both lie otherwise motionless in a meditative state, embracing, cheek to cheek or gazing softly into each other's eyes, otherwise relaxed. I find lying on our sides, legs entwined is best, but either partner on top and any other position you can hold while really relaxing is fine. Because of the need to really relax, I don't find the standard tantric yab-yum (sitting) very satisfactory. Neither is the fixed hypnotic staring advocated by traditional tantra, conducive. We could also call our approach, 'Neo-tantra'.

There seem to be almost infinite variations of what might constitute 'sacred sex', and here we are only talking about the gross physical techniques. My own special interest in this field of sacred sex, since 1975, has been the mental and emotional attitude of the couple, which are subtle and would best be transmitted in practice, really. The problem with that is that teachers of Sacred Sex, or Sex Magick as it is called in its Western variant, can be viewed with suspicion because so much sexploitation has gone on by so called 'holy men' like the supposedly celibate tibetan monk who Campbell writes about in her book Sky Dancer. On top of that, in the last few years an obsession or fad for multiple orgasms seems to have developed in the Eastern Sacred Sex community. Coming in from the Western tradition, of which karezza is one part, Marnia has convinced me of the central importance of sexual continence, and I have now been continent for about a month (so you're beating me) and am finding it easier. It seems to me that there is an opportunity and a need for establishing a Sacred Sex University online, with an 18+ rating, initially a forum where practitioners and enthusiasts of Sacred Sex can get down to the 'nitty-gritty' and discuss all the graphic details and we can hash out our own eclectic brand of sacred sex without orgasm. This is now my principal interest and concern, just as it is Marnia's, but I see our interests and potential roles as complementary, in what will eventually become, hopefully, a big movement with the potential to revolutionize sexual practices and relationship dynamics in the Western world (if not globally). I have had the opportunity to observe in my immersion in the male dating community online over the last year, that they are at a pretty low ebb, with the most typical relations being 'one night stands', with a great wariness of long-term commitment on behalf of most men who have understood our vulnerability to the kind of things that have happened to us, tlr - do you have children? - I have five, and they are now 200 miles away. Clearly trust has to be re-established between the genders and our definition of long-term relationships has to change. They have to be made more attractive than the casual 'condom culture'. That is where Sacred Sex comes in.

There are 'good guys' in the male dating coach community, and I am going to provide a link, as I said, to a couple of sample audio files that may help you and be a 'lead in' to improving your dating skills, although I doubt they're quite as rusty as mine were, as I was married and faithful for 23 years!

If I wanted to state a one word key to all this; to finding a suitable partner and practising sex as Sacred Union, I would say 'Mindset'. What do I mean by a suitable partner? Well I'm wildly unimpressed with the 'condom culture.' I suppose I've been spoilt, but I am only in the business of attracting my ideal partner (for the second time) only this time I am going to make sure it's someone who feels as I do that they want to devote themselves to mutual transcendence with their partner, rather than pour their energies into having children (I have five already). It all begins from within, from getting our thinking and what we want really clear in our minds, and part of that Mindset, I've learned from Marnia, is a cast-iron commitment to sexual continence, which I've now made. Because the conservation of sexual energy is the 'generator', which powers everything else.

So it all begins from within, from defining with pin-sharp clarity, exactly what we want to be, as I've been teaching Marnia, and with sexual continence, as she's been teaching me. You then need to establish the right mindset to attract your ideal partner, and this applies to women as much as men, and is something I can help with, since my professional background is in psychology. I have found the daily email discussions Marnia and I have had over the last two months stimulating and at times challenging, but it feels to me as if we are now moving into a new phase where I need to get into action, and provide some adult rated back-up for the sterling work she is doing with her book and reuniting.info, as the public face and gateway to information about Sacred Sex or Sacred Union, Reuniting. I am currently working on an e-book for free distribution outlining the basic arguments and methodology of Sacred Sex as I currently understand it, and as I mentioned on hot spring's blog, would appreciate contributions, on the subject of contraception, especially, because that is crucial to Sacred Sex, which in my view simply doesn't work with condoms, so a faithful long-term partner with the same motivation is essential to really get somewhere, in my view. It may be that we have to create such partners, by a process of education. I mentioned on another comment that I have about 30 web sites in development. There's not much to show yet, it's early days, but in a year's time with a little hard work and perseverance such as Marnia has given the example of here, hopefully all or at least some of the following list of web sites relating to Sacred Sex will be active and contributing to this movement. 'Watch this space' and here is the link to the two dating coach introductory interviews I promised, ltr. The one is 60 mb, and although the interviewer based in the Far East, is not very clear, the two US dating coaches, Ron Louis and Dave Copeland, who have published a best-selling book on the subject, are clear, and well worth listening to. The other small file is a short interview with one of my own dating coaches, Brent Smith, by two rather amusing and amused female talk show hosts. Enjoy

There are said to be many paths to enlightenment, but can you think of a more pleasant one? It'll do me.

Ric

~ For I am divided for Love's sake: for the chance of Union ~

In my experience many kegel exercises are aimed towards tightening and tensing the PC muscles. Nut this is not, in my opinion, the best way to go about strengthening pc muscles.. I've observed that you cannot tense, or hold on, without letting go. So, there are actually two complimentary muscular actions - pushing down and out (the cervix descends - this is the birthing muscle group and also what can lead to female ejaculation), and the pulling up muscles. Telling a woman to exercise her PC muscles by focusing only on gripping will lead to a very aggressive, grasping sort of vagina - whereas a vagina that can both pull in and fully expand will still be strong but will also know how to receive not only through pulling but also from flaring totally open through a bearing down of the cervix. The combination of the two muscle groups working together is what might be referred to as "milking".

It's like the yin and the yang. They both work in dynamic. It is dangerous to focus only on one end of the spectrum - in this case, the pulling, tightening muscles only.

As for the kegel exerciser, I haven't tried it. I don't think anything is necessary other than exercising the muscles by themselves now and again. An active sex life is the best way to keep these muscles toned and happy.

for your contributions.

Note on promotional links: I just chased someone from the forum yesterday for advertising his commercial website in his post, so I'd be grateful if you would all curtail promotional links to the extent you can. I'm very open to dating links that genuinely help people locate partners, however. I'm also open to the occasional link to substantive information.

Thanks, Hotspring, for reminding us that "gripping" motions that imitate masturbation sensations may have unsuspected pitfalls. We truly have to check everything with actual practice, keeping in mind that some of these suggestions were developed by men with harems/concubines and in other circumstances that pretty much precluded a sacred union of equals.

One small correction. Sky Dancer (the story of a Tibetan Buddhist female buddha enlightened through divine union) was translated by Keith Dowman. June Campbell's book Traveler in Space (http://www.reuniting.info/images/jcambtr.jpg) was about being used by a Tibetan holy man as a "hidden consort" while he presented a celibate face to the world.

sharing your learning.