Lesson 8 Exchange 3

This morning I started Lesson 8 from "Love is Letting Go of Fear". I completed Exchange 3 with my bodiless partner last night too.

Lesson 8 wrote:

This instant is the only time there is.

My preoccupation with the past and its projection into the future defeats any aims of present peace. The past is over and the future is yet to be. Peace cannot be found in the past or the future, but only in this instant. I am determined today without either past or future fantasies. I will remind myself: This instant is the only time there is.

I've noticed that my fantasy world around the future can be really hard on me. I've been doing some forgiveness work as I recognize how much stress I generate in myself over things that haven't even happened yet and are likely not to happen the way I think they might. It has been a bit of a revelation for me. My fantasy world can be pretty intense. I think that's why I'm finding doing the Exchanges with a non-physical partner fairly easy.

My exploration of Exchange 3 last night with my bodiless healing partner was more challenging than the previous night. I questioned the reality (and hence the effectiveness) of what I was doing. One thing that seemed to reassure me a bit was while I was cuddled up beside her in bed, I scanned her body with my hand to see if there were any spots in need of attention energetically (I do this commonly with partners during distance healing touch sessions). There were three or four places that where my hands seemed to "buzz": heart, hips, feet and perhaps knees. So during the Exchange I spent more time in these places. After she left this morning, I did the same exercise where she had been sleeping. My hands didn't seem to pick up anything. I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but it sure is better than spending my time frustrated at the lack of local support for exploring these exchanges with a woman who lives here.

She arrived very rapidly. I hadn't completely finished the Reiki distance healing initiation process and she was sitting beside me. It kind of took me by surprise and left me a little derailed for a moment (I tend to be pretty fixated on procedures). Her hair had changed a bit (she had braided some of her bangs behind her head.) Her night dress was longer. It was still white and had some white embroidery around her collar/front. She wore gold ankle bracelets and bare feet. I lead her by the hand from my couch to my dining room table to smudge. I have some "Invocation" liquid smudge that I have used on special occasions. So we both did that.

I had decided that I would introduce her to a routine I learned in a tantra workshop in Quebec. It's simply a way to support a sacred meeting space. It involves walking around the space and mentioning the energetic qualities that we want there, meeting as sacred partners, appreciating one another and then playing innocently. During this process you have to mention each others' names using a divine prefix preferably. I got kind of confused at this point because I didn't know her name, so I asked her and heard "Shasta". I thought that was a little strange but carried on anyways. I think I may have confused the female equivalent of "Shiva" and a distortion of it came to mind. In this routine you are supposed to address each other as "Shakti" or "Shiva". I had forgotten the "Shakti" because I hadn't done it with a woman for so long. I have often used "Beloved" too. I'll see if I can get some more clarity on her name some other time. The play part touched me quite deeply. She kind of waved her hands at me in an upward motion making all kinds of colourful bubbles in my mind's eye around me. When I did the same to her, it was like there were colourful sparkles around her. It was fun.

The exchanges were pretty straightforward. We chose the rocking Yang exercise. In the Yin exercise, I did feel tingles up my back.

I had previously asked her if there was anything she needed and she said "to be held". So I did that as much as I could. Sleeping was rough. There is a newborn child in the apartment downstairs who chose to cry at about 2am or so. It woke me up. "Shasta" seemed to sleep through it. At one point, I realized that I had taken all the covers, so I quickly covered her up although it did rattle me to see what I had done. Again, she seemed to have slept right through it. I felt kind of fried in the morning. She seemed to have fared better. When she woke up, I asked her if she was ready to leave (I had previously asked if our ending on the previous night had been a little abrupt for her and she had said "yes") and when she was ready (it took a while), I blew her away.

During the day, I've noticed that my chest is somewhat tight and slightly congested. When I connect with my chest it seems to want me to express emotional pain. I struggle with that. It's an emotion I have a great deal of trouble expressing. I guess the man in me wants me to be strong and silent. Oh, well. We'll see where this leads. There certainly is lots of pain in my life to express.