Porn Addict at the Age of 17, got into Gay and Tranny, but I AM STRAIGHT

Submitted by Hockeygod28 on
Printer-friendly version

Im 17, I use this site to guide me through this problem, but I keep thinking that maybe I am just gay. As a kid i was introduced to porn at a young age and always wanted to be with a girl since a kid never thought about guys or that kinda stuff, when I used porn I would use it alot, start small but eventually get to 3-4 times a week of heterosexual porn and eventually I would get bored of that and I did tranny but more gay porn. I tried it once and was repulsed but something made me do it again cuz it was "out of the box" which turned me on. I dont like the kissing part or the body of a man I just like the anal part or the picture of a dick. Everytime I finished to gay porn I would feel depressed and ashamed of myself, I just did it over and over because it felt so good. In real life, I have had numerous occassions with girls and they all went relatively well, I had a girlfriend always got hard for her and stuff but never really ejaculated with a girl because it took so long and she would give up. I would still stay hard but I could never climax this started to freak me out. She didnt like oral so all I got was a handjob and it wasnt that great so that could be part of it but we tried sex and I was so excited got rock hard but I couldnt fit it in because she was tight and when I went to try it again I was soft and it wouldnt go back up, I tried to get it up again that day but it just wouldnt happen. I started to get thoughts that were telling me that I was gay, I would freak out start crying in my sleep just get terrified. I stopped looking at gay porn for a while because I thought that was my issue so I would only look at heterosexual porn, I could still finish but not as fast and it would take me longer to get aroused. I then found this site and am proud to say I have stopped looking at porn and masturbation for 13 days, its extremely difficult. I have these days where im super horny and all I picture is gay porn or a dick, is this supposed to be happening? I still get hard from thinking about girls but occasionally in this reboot process, I usually just get a little wiggle but thats about it. I am on a hockey team and there are showers and all the guys are naked so I see alot of dicks but I really dont get turned on by them, it makes me feel good that I dont, it makes me feel like its all in my head. But the thoughts sometimes are just so over barring. And I love girls, I love to flirt with them and when im talking to them I feel so good I feel attracted and I want to marry one I want to love one, thinking about kissing a guy is gross and thinking about marrying one is a turn off. But my head tries to convince me that I will end up kissing them and marrrying them, its so hard but can anyone tell me if they eventually go away? My biggest fear is that I will go through this process and either nothing will change or I lose my attraction to girls and become gay, it freaks me out to think that. Also I should add when i was really addicted to gay and tranny porn and doing it non stop I bought a dildo and would stick it up my butt to see what it feels like, it felt awful at first and painful but I became aroused by it and started doing it more often, but I hear that some straight guys do that. I havent done that for a while and I dont have an urge to do it, but when i think about it I get aroused. When I have a gay dream I dont picture a guys face or kissing them its just the dick i picture. I just want to know if it gets better? I know in real life i wont want to fuck some other guy its just in my head, its a fantasy really, but I want to have sex with a girl more than anything but I get scared because it doesnt turn me on that much as gay porn does. I just want it all to go away, if porn wasnt invented I would be thinking only girls, I have been so depressed and get scared everytime I hear the word gay being used or when I see a gay couple, it frightens me to think I could be there. But hopefully if I fight it I will be better. One last question, if I start fantasizing about a dick in the middle of a day, should i try and block the thought or would it be better to just let the thought pass until it has totally gone away? Thanks to whomever reads this and hopefully I can get some feedback.

This is a familiar story here, I'm sorry to say

It is perfectly normal to escalate to "out of the box" crap as your brain grows desensitized. Unfortunately...it's also evidence of an addiction process in your brain. [skepti]

It is perfectly normal to then become less responsive to normal cues, such as the feel of a vagina, etc. In fact, the search for the "out of the box" material is an indication that you were losing your sensitivity to normal cues. That's why you were seeking more stimulation.

And here's the really shocking part...during withdrawal (when you stop using all porn), it's perfectly normal for you to have even MORE intense reactions to the hottest cues your brain has wired up. In your case that's the gay stuff. It's as if your brain tries desperately to get relief via the most intense stimulation it knows. This phase will, eventually, pass.

And here's the most confusing part: None of these phenomena have anything to do with your underlying sexual orientation. Get your brain back to balance, and you will know exactly who you are. Trust me.

The guys here who do the best, learn to switch their attention to other thoughts the *moment* one of the intrusive, unwanted thoughts, flashbacks or doubts comes up. They do not entertain them for even a second...no matter how badly they want to get off. They do not spend any time "analyzing" whether they're gay. (The constant analysis is a form of OCD, and it never helps. Worse yet, it can gradually wire anxiety and arousal together...which is not what you want.) The "Red X" technique can help: http://yourbrainonporn.com/other-techniques-for-rewiring

If you're consistent with turning from all these thoughts, your sensitivity to real potential partners will start to improve fairly quickly. You'll probably also notice your sexual dreams shift. First the extreme stimulation will show up a lot. Then tamer images, interspersed with some extreme stuff, and gradually, mostly the tamer stuff.

WARNING: the brain pathways for those "hot" cues will hang around for quite a while. Don't give in to them, but don't be alarmed when you get a flashback, even after your attraction to women picks up. They are meaningless.

Please be gentle with yourself. Internet porn is a new phenomenon, and yours is not the only brain that isn't set up to handle constant stimulation via the Internet. You're actually lucky to figure this out now.

Here's an FAQ on HOCD. Read the comments under it, too: http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual

And start your own blog if you want support.

just expect things to be very difficult

and you won't be disappointed. It will be difficult. But it will also work out well. If you were gay you would know it, my friend. You just ended up in a spiraling addiction made possible by today's high speed internet.

It is very common for a young man to question his sexual identity. After you dry out so to speak, you'll be fine. Just expect it to be tough. It will be unpleasant, depressing and difficult. But that's short term. Then it will be very nice and you'll move on with your life and be thrilled to have this behind you.