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An Introduction
I may have waited too long to start participating in this group, as I now have so much to say that I hardly know where to begin. I suppose I should start with the basics: I am 29. Female. Single. I am a college student, currently completing my second full year at a California community college, and preparing to transfer to a university to pursue a degree in history. I also work, assist my elderly grandmother, and recently took up political activism in my spare time. In other words, I am very busy and generally very tired, but mostly content.
It's been almost four years since I first came across Peace Between the Sheets. At that time, I had a partner willing to work through the practice with me. Unfortunately, we were unsuccessful and after two years of struggle, we split. I would like to, at some point while in this community, address the problems he and I had. I would like to think that my struggles could help someone else, but I am also hopeful that releasing those experiences out into cyberspace will be healing for me. I am going to hold off on that, though. I would rather introduce myself as the person I am now.
The last two years since my partner left have been full of change: I remodeled the apartment we had shared. I lost 30 pounds. I went back to school. I found a passion in history and radical politics. I overcame powerful addictions that had been plaguing me half my life. This was a big one, as I had never been able to be both single and sober. Most of this I did within the confines of my home sanctuary, keeping to myself much of the time.
The last few months, however, have pushed me out into the world again, expanding my small social circle tremendously. While I am very pleased with all the new relationships that have been developing with both men and women, one thing has become painfully clear: I am truly terrified of moving into an intimate, sexual relationship. While my life seems to be rushing forward, leading me into new and exciting territories nearly everyday, in this one arena, I am stuck.
This is why I am here, at last. After much thought, I have finally realized that I am unable to address that which is holding me back on my own. I have no intention of seeking an intimate relationship anytime soon, but I figure it is time to start opening up and moving forward. Seeing as how Marnia is the only living person that I trust in regards to sexual education, this community would be the most logical place for me to begin exploring my past, my present, and my future. I am very grateful to be here.
In my attempts to keep up anonymously with this community of bloggers, I have noticed that the Reuniting website has evolved, in many ways, into a safe haven for individuals struggling with sexual addiction and masturbation. I think that is fantastic. However, I believe there is a great deal of potential in the practice of Karezza for those of us at the opposite end of the spectrum; those of us who, for one reason or another, harbor severe anxieties about sexual pleasure. In my case, I believe that my apprehension, along with my lifelong struggle to enjoy sex, originated in childhood sexual abuse.
In addition to discussing my experiences with the practice, my struggles and successes with celibacy, and my trepidation about future relationships, I would like to use this space as a place to continue healing from my childhood experience, and hopefully begin learning how to embrace and appreciate my own sexual nature. I will do my best to make this work a priority, as I believe it has already been neglected long enough.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and I sincerely look forward to being a part of your community.
- Discordia's blog
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Comments
Welcome Mari
I just want to welcome you to the space. I am glad that you are here and hope that together we can help each other in our healing process.
Welcome, welcome. . . your
Welcome, welcome. . . your voice rings clear and deep. I look forward to hearing more.
Come on in the water's fine!
As you can see by William and Hotspring - we're happy to welcome you in. You will find a safe place here where you can share anything without fear of judgment. I hope you are able to find that healing. I think that though you are anxious about sexual pleasure, you will find that many of us have anxieties here that come out in many ways. Addiction, confusion, etc.
I am sure that your sharing will be a benefit to us all and hopefully cathartic to you as well.
Peace,
TLR
Thank you!
I just wanted to say thank you for the warm welcome. It is so encouraging! I am looking forward to sharing and growing in this community.
Childhood
Childhood molestation is definitely extremely volatile! I went through the same, so certainly feel for you there, and in many ways looking at the issue and what it has done to my self worth and perceptions of how men and women relate, the whole thing is becoming a blessing now. I feel dealing with the past will can propel us to heights difficult to reach if you do not have a very low springboard such as childhood sexual abuse, to jump from. You certainly are not alone and seeking together must be powerful as in two heads are better than one, so many heads may work miracles especially if combined with our hearts as well!
overcoming the effects of abuse
I read your blog and your most recend post, and feel empathy for your predicament. Several years ago I read about a practice that has helped women who have suffered such abuse to overcome the physical and emotional trauma associated with that experience. It can be found on the 'Church of Tantra' web site, in a link entitled 'Yoni Massage', along with testimonials. As I recall, the gist of it is that traumatic 'memories' are held in muscles, and the massage technique can help eliminate them.
It does, however, require the assistance of another person, so you'd have to enter into at least a semi-trusting relationship before you could benefit from it. It may, however, be a good way to start off a sexual relationship (there is a corresponding 'lingam massage' technique for males you could reciprocate with) - or, lacking such a relationship, you could even do an exchange with another female. It shoud be understood that these techniques are non-sexual, and are not aimed at orgasm or even sexual pleasure, but are strictly theraputic.
Another potentially beneficial exercise on that same site is called 'Tantric Chakra Balancing.' I tried a non-sexual version of it (I did it with the recipient fully dressed, and refrained from touching her sex organs) and found it a powerful method of connecting with her energy. Since it involves merging with and channeling someone else's life force, it works best with a person you really like and want to connect with.
Yes, i've heard of yoni
Yes, i've heard of yoni massage too, tho it has a different, more clinical name in some circles. Unfortunately I don't recall the name exactly. Supposedly there's a woman here in Portland who developed it. It makes sense that there could be triggerpoints or hypertonicity in vaginal muscle tissue as much as anywhere else in the body. I believe, though, that your everyday massage practitioner is not liscensced to touch genitals, and probably few people have training in this.
If I hear anything further about it I'll let you know. I was considering becoming a gynecologist before studying massage. My feeling is that world peace is unlikely so long as we have sick, scared, sad, or otherwise unhappy vaginas in the world. The vagina is a little micro-habitat, its like a microcosm of what's going on in a woman. Sometimes, the vagina will even make decisions for the woman herself if she is not listening to her inner wisdom. I remember at one point I was continuing to have sex (probably unwisely, but that is the nature of addiction) with an ex of mine, despite my intuition telling me not to. So, my vagina simply took matters into her own hands and put a stop to it - I remember having the flu, being on my period, and having a yeast and bladder infection all simultaneously! What fun! Heed the wise voice of your body, or you will pay . . .
THAT put a stop to the addictive sex!
*chuckle*
I used to suffer from those ailments, too. And I'm amazed to report that since I began my stumbling efforts to master karezza, I have not had any yeast or urinary tract infections. At all. Astonishing, but true.
Hooray for Happy Vaginas
I love your analogy about the vagina being a microcosm of what is happening in the woman and in the world. I want to do what I can to contribute to healing and making them all happy, joyous and healthy.
I believe it!
I believe it!
Hi discordia, I can relate,
because I am dealing with issues of sexual abuse from childhood, though I intuit that my experiences were less severe than yours. The effects upon my life however are real, and I do understand how it feels to have to deal with the intimacy/trust thing. Sometimes, like, right now, I don't know what to do...go and have a cry? grab a chocolate bar?... What I did spend years doing was numbing the pain, however the 'I won't feel, that way it won't hurt' approach has outlived its usefulness for me. I wrote something on another blog of yours, however I can't say much more, I'm at a public computer and have to go soon.
May angels of light soothe you with healing love,
Ash.
abuse love fear hurt faith etc
Johannes
After the birth of our daughter 14 years ago this already started. If there was sex it was only sex. My wife and i have been married for 20 years now, and last summer after 4 years without intimacy (and without sex) i could not resist the invitations of a woman i danced with last summer. We did not have sex, i could not, but a lot of warm feelings and a lot of hugging.
I have been open about it to my wife and children, as well to my partner that i am married and that it was not a matter of will but just not being able to resist . There was simply no choice.
After all this had happened at a certain point my wife told me. Yes her father had been touching her. All this had to happen to us to make her tell her story and i feel i do not know it all. It also suddenly explained the last 14 years to me. It opened a lot of possibilities and we are working naturally on this. The best of all: life flows again.
There was no flow anymore, life was suffocating. It is not only a matter of sex and intimacy, but the whole has to be there.
Welcome!
What an inspiring story. It shows (once again) that very sad events can lead to very good healing. Thank you for posting here. And thank you for your courage in allowing yourself to take the steps that helped your wife open up. The Giant Hand works in mysterious ways.