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Function of the Orgasm/ "Genitality"
Sat, 2008-02-16 07:42 — hotspring
A crazy week of midterms, dance, bodywork (rolfing, craniosacral), slow and hot sex, loneliness, exhaustion, computer work, valentine's chocolates, pot smoking, and a few tender smiles to many men of the opposite sex. Still, I will not give. Tenderheart left me a voicemail on Valentine's day wishing me all the good things and that my armored heart may be directly pierced.
It just may happen, tho I am giving these men and myself a workout. I feel like I have only just begun to come into my bachelorette years, while at the same time getting very bored with it. A sexy massage classmate I had a dynamic and fun exchange with at a party over thanksgiving just happens to be practicing massage a block away from the new wellness clinic where I work. He says, "My hand has healed and I'd love to share some massage, get the energy flowing . . . . . etc. " MMMMm m m m. HMMMMmm. Yum . . . . and maybe actually not such a good idea at this point. There is another handsome and distinguished doctor working in my office. My ex-boyfriend and I have been going on short intermittent innocent dates, with no kissing. And Hydrostud now seems to be calling me daily consulting me about various computer and marketing issues for his practice. Perhaps I should become his secretary (smirk)? Wear a special little outfit in his windowed clinic and turn him on with computer nerdiness? We are going to a fancy party on Saturday . . . all the movers and shakers will be there etc etc etc. . . A nice opportunity to get dressed up, etc. (Trim the bush or no? Dare I have a wild hair?)
Okay . . . I'll stop there. Perhaps this is getting a little ironic and frigtening, self-indulgent even. Actually I feel I must go within myself and get back to the basics. Oh yeah, like drinking water.
I shall hole myself up in my room, dancing wildly to music with intermittent breaks. I've pretty much stopped mastrubating, its interesting. It's almost like I'm beginning to learn that ecstatic experience IS me, fundamentally, and is all, everywhere. I do not need to rush anywhere. Do not need to give anyone guarantees. I just need to stay grounded.
Reading Reich's "Function of the Orgasm" - great food for thought, a lot of it surely to be very thought-provoking and perhaps of interest in this forum.
A sampling:
"The more exactly I had my patients describe their behavior and sensations in the sexual act, the firmer became my clinical conviction that all of them, without exception, suffered from a severe disturbance of genitality. This was especially true of those men who bragged the loudest about their sexual conquests and about how many times a night 'they could do it.' There was no doubt; they were erectively very potent, but ejaculation was accompanied by little or no pleasure, even the opposite, by disgust and unpleasant sensations. An exact analysis of the fantasies accompanying the act revealed mostly sadistic or self-satisfied attitudes in the men, anxiety, reserve or masculinity in the women. To the so-called potent man, the act had the signifigance of conquering, piercing, or raping the woman. They wanted to give proof of their potency, or to be admired for their erective endurance. This 'potency' could easily be destroyed by laying bare its motives. It served to cover up serious disturbances of erection or ejaculation. "
Happy to see the courtly exchanges going on, everyone. I appreciate having a group of you to share such perspectives with.
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Comments
Fascinating Reich quotation
Thanks, too, for the account of your life at the moment. I couldn't help but think that no one, however loving, is wisely going to open her heart unless there is a bit more stability and safety in her relationship. I think your protective armor has a healthy function at the moment. Your apparent belief that "piercing your armor" is the goal, even in your current circumstances, reminds me of an experience I had during a brief brush with Sex Magick (the Western flavor of tantra, also used in the current version of paganism).
A friend who has spent years studying it said that I should try a visualization based on surrendering utterly to a mate's Divine Self during lovemaking. I experimented quite willingly, on two separate occasions, weeks apart...and woke up to dream orgasms afterward both times. That would have been OK, if the experience or the dreams had been accompanied by some kind of exaltation or other indication that Something Worthwhile Was Moving, but that was definitely not the case. Although the feeling of surrender was fun (kind of like having a a mild case of the spins), the dreams accompanying the orgasms were quite mundane.The practice simply seemed to destabilize my sexual energy. It also set off mild versions of the usual mood swings that I typically experience during the two weeks after orgasm, such as flaring temper followed by mystified feelings of "WHAT was I so upset about???"
My friend was himself obsessed with domination of the female, and constantly ranting about how dangerous feminists were, so I can see why the tradition of Sex Magick appealed to him.
His attitude actually reminded me of some of the Tibetan masters who chose secret, quite inferior (in status and age) consorts for their ritual sexual practices.
In contrast, my path has seemed to emphasize equality and energy stability between lovers. I have no doubt that there is more to learn, but I sense that the best path will not involve reckless swooning on a physical or energetic level. My sense is that the goal is an upward spiral, with surrender to the Divine only, based on a solid, mutual foundation, but time will tell.
I was also thinking about your feelings of boredom-with-bachelorette-life (despite the high level of action in your life), your sense that there would be more to the massage with your healthy-handed friend than generous bodywork, the pot smoking (which I remember you saying you were giving up), your observation that you were acting "a little ironic and frightening, self-indulgent," that you were "needing to get back to the basics," and so forth, and I can't help sensing that there's some energetic teetering going on for you right now.
I was wondering what to say, if anything. I flipped open my "Hua Hu Ching" (by Lao Tzu). It said
I thought I'd just share that in case it has meaning for you. For me it was a reminder that there *are* patterns behind our experience of the material plane, that our choices *are* shaping our experiences even if they are made unconsciously, and that we *can* begin to understand what is at work if we are willing to listen outside the box. (This oracle is based largely on phrases from the I Ching, in case anyone wants to try listening: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/inner_wisdom_oracle)
I hope you will value yourself highly enough to take good care of yourself energetically as well as physically, dear Hotspring. I understand your longing to open yourself completely, but make sure you know you are in the right circumstances to do so.
Thanks for the comments. I
Thanks for the comments. I actually do think that the so-called armoring of my heart is actually a healthy thing. Well, I'm not sure I wold even call it armoring - rather, discernment. I feel that I am very affectionate, warm, and giving with the men in my life. But I do feel choosy. And since I do see myself as being in a monogamous partnership with an amazing man at some point, some men must go by the wayside, which they might interpret as me being armored.
For me, this is about being centered and grounded in my own knowledge of self-value. My vagina is sacred space. Sometimes I am able to act according to this knowledge, other times I dont, and the discernment is lost in favor of biological drives.
I find that when I have a lot to do and am often at a computer, my sensual nature is neglected and so I am more prone to having sex for physical release (more Reichian release of tension) and for expression. I also am more likely to smoke pot in times like these. But overall recently I feel I have become better at being clear and straigtforward in my boundaries (and so more genuinely open when I am connecting with someone), more in tune with what I really desire, more communicative, less willing to take responsibility for other's feelings, more able to be fully present when making love, more responsible for my own happiness, and less addictive with pot than I ever have been. It's a spectrum.
A few things stand out from the evening of nonorgasmic lovemaking with Hydrostud (man, that name is hard to write down) last week.
1) We had made the space to really relate and share on many levels before having sex - sex was not reached for as a default glue.
2) I had told Hydrostud, after reaffirming to him that I wanted to explore nonorgasmic sex, that tenderness and quality of presence was very important to me and was the key to my passionate nature (this may sound manipulative or misleading when considering that your approach to lovemaking is about turning passion down, but currently I am at the stage of still very much enjoying passion, but with more focus on tenderness and slow presence to bring it about, and with no orgasmic release. In other words, I am still going close to the edge and have not even begun to master the art of truly yin lovemaking). He had replied that men wanted tenderness as well, not only passion. This allowed me to feel more comfortable being tender with him, since his general demeanor is one of valuing passion, drive, focus, and intelligence rather than presence, openness, gentleness and emotional availablility. I sense there is a big hole in him because he does not stimulate or verify these sides of himself, and were he to, he could become more balanced and happy.
3) He helped me while we were making love to bring the charge up into my body, by saying "Bring it up" or by slowing down or stopping.
4) I have begun to perceive veils of energy in my vagina and my body. They are like veils of orgasmic tension, or potential for surrender. Each time I discover a new veil, I open up into it. The result is that the charge distributes itself broader throughout my body. I give in further to my ecstatic nature. I give in again and again without discharging. The beloved is regarded with an awake wonder, a tender gentleness that is nevertheless steady and strong.
This process seems to be something like absorbing local, intense charges into a larger, full-body charge, integrating it. My whole nervous system seemed to be nourished and fed by this energy. It moved through my body like light. So, while I was very turned on, I was not grasping at sensation or focused on a narrow spot ("genitality"), but was opening broader and broader to an energy and with each opening the charge would diffuse into my body (rather than going outwards). Being in this state for about an hour and then choosing not to have an orgasm left me very refreshed in a calm and clear way, like every circuit of my nervous system had been bathed with a cleansing light.
I am convinced that this energy is healing and that sex could be used for healing if both people were able to reach this state and direct their awareness to the right places.
I agree that sexual energy can be healing
I always found that the challenge was to stabilize the relationship so as to benefit from that nourishing spring of life force energy long-term. Thanks for sharing your process so courageously.
On another subject, I've been working on an article about how passion can sometimes be used to manipulate - a risk that can create confusion between love and fear in our subconscious. Any thoughts on that (anyone)? Ever used passion to manipulate? Even been manipulated by someone's addictively-yummy lovemaking? By "manipulate" I mean "distort sound judgment leading to rash decisions that later cause someone regret."
More interesting excerpts from "Function of the Orgasm"
Despite disagreeing with much of Reich's views on sexuality, I've still found some interesting material in his book. He seems to be an old crony of Freud (always a red flag), tho they had some disagreements. Reich's basic assertion is that "The supreme goal . . . is the establishment of orgastic potency, of the ability to discharge an amount of sexual energy equal to that accumulated."
Still, I found his outline of the phases leading to this "discharge" interesting, especially in light of the views put forth on this site. He breaks sexual excitation into two phases: 1) Phase of voluntary control of the excitation, and 2) Phase of involuntary muscle contractions.
He seems to have noticed some interesting things that happen in this first, voluntary phase, but wasn't able to recognize the potential there, so focused he was on discharge of tension. He says that the first phase is characterized by the following:
1) "Erection is pleasurable, and not painful as it is in the case of priapism ('cold erection'), spasm of the pelvic floor or of the spermatic duct. The genital is not over-excited . . . . The genital of the woman becomes hyperemic and, through ample secretion of the genital glands, moist in a specific way . . .
2) The man is spontaneously gentle, that is, without having to cover up opposite tendencies, such as sadistic impulses, by a forced kind of gentleness.
3) The pleasurable excitation . . . suddenly increases - both in the man and the woman - with the penetration of the penis.
4) As a result of mutual, slow, spontaneous and effortless frictions the excitation is concentrated on the [penis and vagina]. . . . According to the consensus of potent men and women, the pleasure sensations are all the more intense the slower and more gentle the frictions are, and the better they harmonize with eachother. This presupposes a considerable ability to identify oneself with one's partner. Pathological counterparts are, eg, the urge to produce violent frictions . . .
5) In this phase, interruption of friction is in iteself pleasurable, due to the particular sensations of pleasure which appear when one is at rest; the interruption can be accomplished without mental effort; it prolongs the sexual act. When one is at rest, the excitation decreases a little, without, however, completely subsiding, as it does in pathological cases. The interruption of the sexual act through retraction of the penis is not unpleasurable, provided it occurs after a period of rest.
He does mention that in the second phase, the "phase of involuntary muscle contractions", there "Now occurs a more or less intense clouding of consciousness."
No mention of gentleness towards one's partner,"harmonizing", or "identification is mentioned in the second phase as it is in the first.
Very interesting
It's almost like he tripped over this approach, but was propelled onward by his thesis.
I have long had a vague sense that a lot of what we've been learning is not inconsistent with Reich's observations. See, for example, the comparisons of Taoist and Reichian thought from a book by NYU professor Douglas Wile: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/taoism_chinese_sexology_wile Here's an excerpt:
The mainstream understanding of Reich's work (as pro-orgasm above all else) has been (in my view) a very destructive influence in the education of sexologists. Thanks to Reich, any suggestion that avoiding orgasm has benefits is branded as a sexual disorder - a paraphilia, like a shoe fetish, for example. This quotation of yours shows that he *was* seeing a lot of the same evidence we have seen, he just analyzed it differently. Intriguing. I can't help noting that the Chinese had thousands of years of observation behind their assessment, while he had a few decades. Of course Wile's book makes clear that the Chinese Taoists weren't always consistent in their lore either. It's easy to get off-track where sex is concerned...as it definitely twists our perceptions (the better to serve Mother Nature with her goal). See "Mind-benders" http://www.reuniting.info/science/natural_reinforcers_sex_food_mind_bend...