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In the Beginning
I posted my first blog here about 12 days ago, and I’ve realized something very important in the time since. Intention is incredibly powerful. In the days leading up to that first post, and for several days after, I woke up nauseated and unable to eat most of the day. This has happened to me before when I’ve attempted to address the issues I am here to address, only now I am making the connection.
In all honestly, I’ve never done before what I’m about to do. While this may not relate directly to the discussion of non-orgasmic sex, it does relate to my own personal sexuality, and part of what I believe has stood in the way of me achieving a deep union with any man. So before I dramatize it anymore, here it is:
Many years ago, around the time when all the allegations of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church were first becoming publicized in the media, a television network aired a primetime documentary about a similar problem occurring within the organization known as the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, more commonly known as the Jehovah’s Witnesses. It was clear at the time that the program was meant to shift some of the attention away from the Catholic Church. The program indicated that there were nearly 30,000 cases of childhood sexual abuse within the WTBTS, many of which had been swept under the rug to protect the organization’s image. I am one of those children, but I was not counted in that number because my experience was never addressed by anyone but myself.
As a child, I was regularly left with a couple from the congregation my parents attended, a man and a woman, who also had a six-month-old daughter. I was between two and three years old, I believe, because it was the year before I began attending preschool. The woman, who was supposed to be my primary caregiver, worked in the evenings sometimes, so consequently, I would be left alone with her husband. I don’t actually have any solid memories of those times, but I know it happened somewhat regularly, and enough has come to light in the last 26 years that I can say with a good amount of confidence that this is the man who abused me.
When I was about seven years old, and still attending the same congregation with my parents, that little girl who had been a newborn when I was left with her parents, followed me into the bathroom one evening during a church service. While we were alone in there, where no one else could hear us, she said to me exactly these words: My daddy has sex with me. That I remember quite clearly. Of course, I didn’t even know what sex was, but I knew it was not something daddies should be doing with their daughters. In the car on the way home that night, I told my parents. I really don’t remember exactly how events played out after that, but I can say that it was another six years that child had to suffer abuse from her father before she was protected from him. This is what that organization does: It was well known that he was abusing her, yet they protected him. They discouraged her mother from going to the police, and they allowed her father to continue molesting her into her preteens. I do not know whatever happened to her after that.
Fast forward into my teens, I was not anywhere close to emotionally stable. I began developing depression at about age 12, at least, that’s about the time it was diagnosed. At 14, I made my first attempt at suicide. Looking back now, it is so fascinating to realize how the brain rationalizes things. At the time, I was suffering from depression, my parents were physically and emotionally abusing each other, and I was trapped in an authoritarian religious cult, but the reason I thought I wanted to kill myself was because a boy I liked didn’t like me back. It seemed like a perfectly logical decision at the time, considering the circumstances. Luckily, though, I was not successful. I was hospitalized, released the next day, and then put into a lockdown facility after my next attempt a few days later.
It has only been in the last year or so that I have discussed with my parents what happened while I was in there. The professionals working at the facility, which was actually quite a nice place, came to the unanimous conclusion that I had repressed memories. I exhibited every symptom of a survivor of sexual abuse. I also had an eating disorder. They told my parents that they needed to personally and privately approach every man in my family and ask him if he’d ever had any kind of inappropriate contact with me. Can you believe that I’m just finding this out? Nobody ever told me, until I brought it up.
Shortly after I was released from that hospital, my parents divorced, and I got heavily into drugs. Over the years, rumors started to surface about the man who I was left with as a child. My mom and I had left the church, but my dad stayed in up until very recently. Basically, it came to be known that every child he had ever been left alone in the same room with had been abused. There were many, apparently. Literally, every child in his immediate and extended family eventually accused him. Still, he was never disfellowshipped from the organization, nor was he reported to the police. He found some woman to marry him, and disappeared.
There are so many things running through my mind right now. There are so many holes I want to fill in, but I have to remind myself that this is a blogging community, not my own personal autobiography. I will attempt to wrap this up quickly.
Synchronicity has been playing a large role in all this over the past year. After my mom finally told me about what had happened while I was hospitalized, and how she had confronted all the men in my family, my dad opened up, too. He told me that he’d always had a feeling about it. It came out that whenever they would pick me up from the house, they would find me sitting in his lap wearing nothing but my underpants, just casually watching television. He also said that as an infant, I was always a very happy, outgoing child. By the time I began preschool, that little girl was gone. I was terrified of being left alone anywhere. When I was taken to preschool or any other daycare, I would become so full of terror, he often couldn’t leave me, which is why I spent a lot of time going to work with my dad as a kid.
After these conversations with my parents, I had another conversation with a girlfriend of mine that I grew up with. She has a sister that is a couple years older than us: a beautiful mess, to describe her eloquently. As my friend and I were talking about her sister, it came up that she, too, had been sexually abused. I had always had my suspicions about this, although my friend’s sister has been in complete denial that it ever happened. As my friend began to tell me the story that her parents had told her, I began to realize that it was, in fact, the same man who had abused me. It was also the exact same time period. The only difference was that my friend’s sister had only been left with him one time, for a handful of hours, whereas I had been left with him several times a week for over a year. I guess that was when I really knew it was true.
As it turns out, my friend’s sister has finally begun asking questions about what happened to her. Just last week, actually. I didn’t tell anybody, but I have sent her an email asking her to contact me, because I think she and I need to talk.
I think I am going to stop here for now. Like I said, I’ve never actually sat and written this all out, so I’m very grateful to be able to do it here, even though it’s a bit uncomfortable right now. Thanks for reading.
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Comments
Geeze, Mari
What a can of ugly worms.
I'm glad you feel safe to share and continue your progress toward healing. You are such a beautiful person on so many levels. From your post, it seems like you have pecked your way out of a very uncomfortable egg. Nice job.
How cool that you're now in a position to help someone else.
A big hug,
Marnia
A Big Hug from Me, Too
Mari:
What a moving story. This is EXACTLY the place to share what you need to share. I believe that we are interconnected on very deep and profound levels. In 12-Step programs they talk about "We" and "US" as opposed to "Me" and "I" I think this is because it really is about OUR HEALING. When you do your healing work, you do it for all of US.
This site is truly becoming a place for us to heal all of the sexual wounds that keep us afraid of each other and apart from each other.
Much Love to you....
Writing can be a very
Writing can be a very cleansing and healing thing, Mari - and you have a strong and solid voice. Thank you for taking the courage to share with us and to confront that in writing yourself.
My heart goes out to you. I see a very strong and beautiful woman. I look forward to being here in any way possible for you as you unfold - but honestly your experience leaves me speechless. At times perhaps all I will be able to do is listen and witness, and send you light.
I had such a great upbringing and I nevertheless already have a lot of unresolved issues with male-female dynamics in this culture and in my life. Thanks for giving me some perspective and allowing me to see how lucky I have been and am.
Thank you
I really appreciate these encouraging comments. The day after I wrote this, I woke up feeling somewhat surreal. It did open me up a bit, and my own vulnerability made me a little uneasy. Still, it felt good to release this experience through writing. I know it was quite a purge.
I know I said this before, but I am really grateful to be able to write about this here. Like William said, this is a place to heal ALL the wounds that have kept us from intimacy. I've been to shrinks and counselors, which helped in some ways, but never dealt with the core issues. I've tried writing on my own, but it is just not the same. I've thought about joining other survivor groups, but it always felt like I would have to compartmentalize my past experiences from my chosen path to recovery. It seems as though the ultimate goal in any group dealing with sexual abuse or sexual addiction is still goal-oriented sex. Even though we all have different obstacles to overcome, we all share this common understanding of what sexual healing truly is. This is a great comfort to me.
Last year, I went to the health clinic at my school for my woman's annual exam (which wasn't exactly annual, as I hadn't had an exam for about five years). I was really nervous, for reasons relating to what I wrote, and for others I will probably go into later, and consequently I had a completely involuntary breakdown in the exam room. Luckily, the nurse was very sympathetic, and set up an appointment for me with the school's on-campus psychologist. I saw her about three times, because after that you have to start paying. I think I was very honest with her, about where I've been, and about where I am at now emotionally. Her advice in the end was this: Mari, you have a lot of mourning to do.
I think she was right. Although, it's hard to mourn when everything is locked up inside. Maybe this writing will help unlock it. That is my hope. It seems to be working okay, so I will keep going. Thanks again.
Are there any good shamans
Are there any good shamans in your area? Very deep healing can occur with qualified people who believe in a soul and are seeking to work directly on that level.
I've recently done some amazing healing work with a woman who does Integrative Manual Therapy. It may be worth checking out.
Good luck.
Hi Mari
I've been taking a Compassionate Communication course lately. There's a big emphasis on just holding a space of "empathy" for anyone dealing with pain. It's done largely by echoing what they've said, so they feel heard (which is very healing).
This does not come naturally to me. *chuckle* I feel like, "geeze, they've said it really well themselves. Won't they be kind of insulted if I just echo it?" But I'm going to try.
Dearest Mari, I hear that you need to mourn, and I hope you'll let us know if there's anything (more than listening with great compassion) that any of us could do to support you. (How did I do???) I certainly mean it sincerely, too.
Now I'll add something of my own.
I think you're right about the healing power of non-goal-oriented sex (even as a theoretical goal...long before it is practiced). As I recounted in my book, violent sexual fantasies that had plagued one woman just evaporated once they were no longer linked with the payoff of orgasm.
Also, performance and appearance issues of all kinds tend to lose a lot of their power once there is a clear understanding of how nourishing it can be when someone just accepts you for yourself while giving you the message that you're worth healing. This is done via kindly attention that is clearly NOT based on getting to orgasm, or getting material support, or getting a status symbol or a mate one's parents will approve of, or "getting" anything!
The benefits of reaching out to someone else on this basis can be even greater than what is received. When someone does this, they see their amazing power to support the healing of another. This is excellent medicine for low self esteem. Sounds mushy and idealistic, but I think some of our Courtly Companions are finding this to be true already.
But back to you. I was touched by your dad's comment about how outgoing and happy you naturally were. As we have been friends for some time, I can say with confidence that I see that little girl quite often. She has become an increasingly confident, insightful , accomplished, idealistic beacon of light - and a beautiful woman. I'm glad you feel strong enough now to take this next step.
I love you.
Hotspring and Marnia
Hotspring:
I actually went to an alternative-type healer several years ago, just months before I found Marnia's book, as a matter of fact. (Another desperate attempt at trying to figure out what was wrong with me!) The woman labeled herself a shaman, but in reality, she was a quack. Of course, I didn't figure that out until after I'd given her several hundred dollars.
However, it is interesting that you bring that up, because the Anthropology club at my school will be hosting a small event with a local shaman sometime this semester. I was already planning on going, but now I will be certain that I attend. I am so busy right now, it would be nearly impossible for me to go out seeking, but I will keep what you said in mind when I meet the club's guest.
Marnia:
I think your Compassionate Communication skills are coming along splendidly, because you just brought me to tears. I am glad that you see in me what I had believed to be lost for so long. These days, I see it too, once in a while. Although it has taken me a long time to get to where I'm at now, I only started on this path after meeting you. I have not been successful yet with non-goal-oriented sex, but like you said, even the theoretical goal is healing. I am a testament to that fact. Before I knew there were other options, I spent a great deal of energy agonizing over sex, and everything that it entails. I am still scared, but somewhere inside me, there is peace now where there was not before. That peace comes from knowing that I don't have to go back to that, that I can work towards something better, and it gives me the confidence to say "no" in the meantime while I figure some things out on my own. This is a far cry from the girl I was throughout my teens and most of my twenties. I am just where I need to be, and I wouldn't change anything right now, even if i could.
I love you, too.
Good Shamans man not be that
Good Shamans man not be that easy to come by. You already mentioned how important intention is. It might be appropriate to simply state your intention to meet a qualified, bonified shaman when the universe deems it fitting, and trust that that person will appear when and if they need to. You may even find that that person is yourself! The shamans that I have met have all come into my life through synchronicity, not through directly seeking them out.
I'd like to point one thing out, and that is, that you titled your post "In the Beginning", but much of what you referred to - while being near the beginning of your life - were events that deeply affected who you ALREADY were. I guess I just mean to say that while such extreme violence at such a young age is obviously very defining because of its intensity, what happened to you is not what you are. You are that girl who was playful and trusting before. Who you are is much larger than these events - the essence of you was there in the beginning of your life before any of this happened and it is still who you are now and always will be. I know I come from a very priviledged place in saying this, and I know it is easy to intellectually say these things. BUT, I sense and know and would love to hear who you really were In The Beginning, before this happened. Not to deny the events, or stop processesing those things, but to really just acknowledge that who you are is larger than this, and you will get back in touch with that. You already are so strong.
I hold you in my thoughts and heart, and am sending light and love your way.
Hey Mari
How's the catharsis coming along? What's your state of mind? Just wondering how you're getting along.
My state of mind
I apologize for slipping away from the community here so soon after joining. I do read everybody's blogs and comments, I have just been so busy, it's difficult to keep up. I'm actually an incredibly slow writer.
I don't know if it is just the intensity of my schedule, or if it is the fact that I finally opened up and maybe loosened the chains of my past a little, but I haven't been thinking about it so much. I think it was definitely a tremendous emotional release for me, and with all the compassionate responses, I felt a bit lighter after the initial shock wore off. Literally, I think I may have lost some physical weight, too.
This week has been somewhat draining, as I've been swimming in homework, as well as taking an active role in organizing a mass anti-war demonstration that is only two weeks away. Today though, I had some major successes. I somehow single-handedly organized visibility action at my school, and broke through the incredibly conservative policies of my school's administration, with the help of one amazing professor. Today, I gave my first public speech as an activist, as opposed to the other kind of speeches I've given which were mandatory for a passing grade.
It was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. When I walked away though, I felt a sense of confidence I've never really experienced. There really is something to be said for that. I read what Hotspring wrote about low self-esteem, and how it can hold us back, and I absolutely agree with that. I'm not really sure what the solution is. In my experience, even moments like I had today where I feel really good about myself are usually fleeting. But the more I push myself into uncomfortable situations, those that I know will force me to grow in a positive direction, and come out the other side, the more solid my foundation becomes. I can see my own strength a little more clearly each time, and I even have moments where I feel a solid sense of self-worth. Self-worth is not exactly the word I am looking for. What I mean is that I have moments where I truly believe that I am worthy enough to find a partner who loves and accepts me as I am, and someone who will embrace this sacred path as I have.
When I get a glimpse of that, even if it is fleeting, I realize that there is a woman inside me that is not damaged, that is alive and well, that is confident and unafraid. I hope that someday I can get to know her a little better.
Thank you, Marnia, for checking in on me. Seeing your message here made what was already a good day even better.
Wishing You Nothing But Good Days
Hey Mari:
You are doing such great stuff!! As they say - "you go grrrllll"
A public speech???
And for a cause you are passionate about. You are amazing. What a story. That makes MY day even better. Thank you.
It would be great if personal growth were nice, neat little steps, eh? If after you moved to one step you NEVER AGAIN felt the misery of the lower step. I've not found it to be like that.
I think of healing and growth like a spiral, tilted to the side. Over all, progress is unmistakable, but half the time you feel like you're slipping right back where you came from. *chuckle*
Glad you're Lightening up.
A big hug,
Marnia
Mari, I think you are doing
Mari,
I think you are doing amazing. As someone who's walking down a similar path, you're truly an inspiration. I'm glad to see you taking such a negative and turning it into a positive. I admire your courage to come out and talk about such a dark event in your past. I think it's great you are getting involved in a political cause. Not one I agree with, but a cause nonetheless, and an honorable one. I wish only continued success for you.