I am Graham from a remote part of the world on the South Coast of Western Australia.
A small town called Denmark which has nothing to do with Denmark in Europe.
Not long ago I opted out of the rat race and I now run a small Youth Hostel in this beautiful part of Australia. Tall forrests and beautiful beaches.
I am single and I have no children. Long term sucessful relationships have always evaded me. Or perhaps I have evaded them.
A few years ago I got wondering about the meaning of life and I have been a a bit of a spiritual search ever since. I have done all sorts of things. What I have realised however is that within it all the aspect of man and woman in the search for our divine selves never disappears. It cannot be overlooked.
Recently I have been getting interested in David Deida and I have been to a few retreats with a guy called Bernie Prior.
As a hobby I love doing Thai Massage mainly as a gift for friends, sometimes at a small charge for the bushwalkers and backpackers I get coming through here. I also do Tai Chi.
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Orgasm
Reading the above, I realise that I have not really mentioned the important issue of sexuality. I have had a history of steamy relationships that don't last. I have known all the stuff about dopamine, but only recently have I realised what may be going on. I have also found that my need for orgasm has fallen off. Quite often just having one just to keep the partner happy. And then I find my partner who is having orgasms very volatile.
I got interested in the site www.takeninhand.com . Good to suspend judgement for a while if you want to read it, but it is about monogamous loving relationships. And I wonder, is this the way to deal with woman's volatility.
There is also a little issue that comes up in that I find difficulty getting interested in a woman in my age bracket. There is a part of me that says I "should" be, but when the time comes I dont find the motivation to start a realationship with a woman who is not at least 10 years younger than I.
Hmmm...
I had a look at "Taken in Hand." I guess I'm just not convinced that this solution gets at the heart of 'the problem,' although I can see how it could be appealing to many. We women do long for our mates to become strong and healthy and confident again, just as I often hear men longing for women who are nurturing and a source of peace and comfort in their lives.
But can these roles simply be forced into existence by handing out a new (or old) script without changing our underlying sexual habits? After all, men were dominant for a long time and the results weren't all that pretty. (I'm thinking of some of the stories in "Karezza: Ethics of Marriage" (http://www.reuniting.info/karezza_stockham) about women in conventional marriages a hundred years ago.) I guess I think the current unhealthy dynamics between the sexes are different, but also the result of more subtle imbalances - due to the way humanity casually uses its sexual desire.
The difference may be that women are more volatile and needy now, due to their increased focus on orgasm. They are also less tolerant and less inclined to put up with exhausting or domineering partners. Men themselves are feeling weaker than ever due to increased orgasm/masturbation/porn use - although some men become more controlling and domineering when suffering from energy loss - domination raises dopamine and offers temporary relief from "hangover" feelings.
Neither sex is "there for" the other, and both are hurting due to feeling undernourished and under-supported. We just don't realize how powerful and beneficial the synergy between the sexes can be. We settle for hot sex, but in the process, thanks to biology's sneaky mate-churning program, lose what we most need for our wellbeing.
I make some of these observations based on my own experience. I'm a pretty dominant female (former lawyer, very well educated, confident, opinionated), and yet this practice has definitely made me more at ease with my other gear. I can still use my "yang" skills when they're needed, but I'm much more likely to express my "yin" side now. I didn't work at this, or get "taken in hand." It just happened...in part because I came to respect how important yin energy is the dynamic between the sexes. ("The Power of Yin" http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/yin_power_female_orgasm_lloyd_karezza). But largely because my husband also changed.
I've been with my husband for almost 7 years, and the dynamic between us continues to change. Looking back, I see that he was not himself most of the time when we met. I saw his confident, public side, which is very capable, but as we got to know each other it became clear that the rest of him was kind of like...balsa wood (due to a hidden addiction and chronic recurring depression). He believes this practice created the inner balance and sense of connectedness (via regular, careful affection/lovemaking) that allowed him to heal those problems.
These days I seek his sound, wise judgment in more and more situations, and he is definitely more confident and assertive in all areas of his life than when we met. However, he's not domineering, except for the occasional joking remark beginning, "Dammit, Woman!..."
His professional life has bloomed, too. He even makes instructional massage videos! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1eYiCmVec8)
These changes all happened naturally as we have continued with our controlled intercourse practice. This is why I think inner balance is the key to a healed dynamic between the sexes.
As for your attraction to younger women...you're being a good 'gene machine' by following the mandate of your primitive brain to find fertile women. Women choose alpha males who are more likely to be dreadful mates for exactly the same reason. See "Ruthless Eugenics" http://www.reuniting.info/science/ruthless_eugenics_don_juan
Since you think a lot about spiritual matters, perhaps you can see that if you're running on your subconscious biological program, you are likely to attract a mate who is, too. There's no easy way around this except to ask to be guided by Spirit in your selection of a partner. That is how Gary and I connected. At first he seemed like a very strange choice to me...given the shape he was in.
But he has turned out to be a wonderful mate. Not only that, a year after we got together he started digging up all the science on this site and in our book - which supports the sacred sex wisdom from around the globe. I had no way of knowing that he would or even could do such a thing, as I didn't know about the research. Most of it has come out in the last 10 years.
We might all be a lot better off if Spirit, rather than our loins, picked our mates.
I commend you for your honesty in this area.
PS I thought it might be fun
to share this quotation from a letter written over a hundred years ago by a woman who discovered controlled intercourse...and therefore discovered how wonderful her husband was!
From "Karezza: Eithics of Marriage"
http://www.reuniting.info/karezza_stockham
Is There a Silver Bullet?
It is fascinating to read the posts on this web site, but I ask myself whether this is really the Silver Bullet for all realtionship problems. Each one of us is unique in our own little way. Anatomies come in all different shapes and sizes and we all have different quirks.
It has been found that alchohol addiction tends to be genetically inherited. If your father was an alchoholic, then you will be more inclined that way. During the Vietnam war many soldiers were taking heroin possibly due to the situation they were in. The fear was that when they returned home then there would be an epidemic of addicts in the U.S. It did not happen.
It seems that they were not all guys who were natrually prone to herion adiction and most of them kicked the habit once they returned to a functional environment. So I wonder if the adiction to the Dopamine produced by orgasm is universal. Some marriages are quite harmonious without practicing any particular love making regime to step around the orgasm response. Maybe some people do not experience the big high and then the low afterwards because they are just not wired that way.
And I also wonder if one could introduce a couple to controlled intercourse when they may never have experienced orgasm. Perhaps one can only get interested in this way of making love once other avenues have been frustrated. Whether a woman's response to all the various types of orgasm is the same has not been statisically tested. Perhaps some will experience great openings from deep cervical orgasms and others will just get a Dopamine hit and the withdrawal response later. Anecdotal evidence of individuals or small groups can lead to dubious conclusions.
Life is never a black and white experience. It's in technicolour with multiple dimensions. It feel to me like there is a path that we have to tread and short cuts are hard to find. Its great that there is the internet so that the wisdom found by others can be spread and shared so quickly. I wonder whether there is really a cure all solution to relationship woes.
My copy of Marnias book is in the post and I look forward to reading it. I sincerely hope that the next partner I find will be receptive to experimenting and following whatever is contained within it with determination. I dearly would love a loving harmonious relationship with a woman and my history suggests that I may be a prime candidate for a different approach. The proof of the pudding will be in the eating. Watch this space...
*chuckle*
I admire your willingness AND your skepticism. However, to say -as we do - that humanity is overlooking a major cause of disharmony in its intimate relationships is not the same as saying this is a silver bullet. I would say it differently: I don't think many will succeed in maintaining harmonious relationships with sex in them for very long (Italian researchers have found big hormonal changes within two years of falling in love), without finding a way around our subconscious mating program that seeks fertilization and then separation.
As soon as I began stumbling upon these insights, I, too, clung to the belief that there were "all those perfectly happy couples out there who were obviously having conventional sex...so what about them???" I found out that they're pretty scarce - after the honeymoon period of their relationships. Not only that, when we gave talks, it was often the couples who looked to us to be the happiest who came up after the talk and said, "We've experienced exactly what you're talking about and we want to stay in love." I don't think the marriage statistics tell the whole story about couple disharmony. Incidentally this research backs up what we've observed:
I'm glad you will test the ideas. However, even with a willing partner who is also interested in exploring this approach, it takes some time to recognize the benefits. My husband and I often laugh about the fact that we have learned more about the strength of this practice from our derailments when someone has an inadvertent orgasm. The mood swings and snapping remarks swiftly remind us why a playful harmony with lots of affectionate touching and sex is so much better than the normal, more passionate, relationships from our pasts.
You are absolutely right that each person is different and that reward circuitry responds differently in each of us, and some of us may be more susceptible to addictions, for example, than others. (http://www.reuniting.info/science/hungry_ghosts_gabor_mate) However, here's one scientist who says we're all designed to be addicted to sex: http://www.reuniting.info/science/orgasm_pill_sex_addiction_holstege_all... It's worth keeping in mind. It may be part of the explanation of why so MANY marriages/intimate relationships develop emotional distance, while other kinds of relationships do not. Certainly it's a thesis that deserves further consideration...especially since no mammals are sexually monogamous. They probably don't have childhood issues....
Six Months Off
Well, finding this site and reading Marnias book has come at an interesting time in my life. A few months ago I was feeling a lack of motivation in my life. So I "put out" for someone to manage my small business for six months. Existance obliged and a good friend of mine was at a loose end in life and available for the experience.
So I take off on 1st April with not much of a schedule. Asia is my first stop as I have studied Thai massage for a couple of years and there is a particular guy I want to study with. Its also very cheap so it fits within my budget within the available cash reserves that I have. It will be interesting to see where my whim will take me. I certainly feel inspired to find a partner who shares the conviction to follow the path of "controlled intercourse" Marnia has detailed. I am not too sure I resonate with that phrase, it sounds a bit contrived. To me its more like "true lovemaking" rather than some of the passionate copulation that I have followed up to now.
So now I am "putting out" to meet a woman who is on the same wavelength. If she lived next door it could be a lot more convenient than somewhere else in the world. Airline profits could soar.
When I read "Peace" I wonder how many people will feel sufficiently inspired to seek to follow through with a partner. The demands of the old limbic system are pretty strong. Perhaps its only in frustration at having relationships and marriages with wonderful partners fail that I know that the old approach will not lead me to true union with woman.
Asia is full of very attractive women eager to find a foreigner to give them the security they seek. Some are very sincere in wanting a mate to love and serve, others not so. There are also many provocatively clad women beckoning white men on the street with promise of a dopamine fix at a price. And there are also millions of westerners travelling around in search of meaning. Anything could happen!
In Australia I run a Youth Hostel and I get a lot of young backpackers from all corners of the globe staying here. It's interesting to engage them in conversation and prick up their interest on this subject. I can manage to give them a fairly convincing outline of the concepts and they take it on board. But it does not stay with them. The next day it's out of their heads and all the conventional mating rituals are happening.
So if anyone plans to be around asia in the next 6 months, let me know. I will be foot loose and fancy free.
Is April 1st called "April Fool's day" in OZ, or just in USA?
Seems like the right day for a fresh start. I hope you have a great trip full of interesting, enlightening experiences. Sounds like there will be plenty of temptation available, too!
I totally agree with you about the term "controlled intercourse" and I very much like "true lovemaking." Why not add it to the posts here, where we discuss possible names? http://www.reuniting.info/node/300 Another one that turned up recently, and should be added, is "trans-orgasmic" lovemaking. That's good, too. (Thanks Francisco!)
Yes, this theory does make for interesting discussions...it's almost worth reading the book for that purpose alone. And yes, it doesn't seem to help people make radical changes right away. It seems that most people really need a lot of painful breakups before they can open their minds (or else they need a porn addiction that gets their attention).
In any case, those seeds you are planting may still bear fruit. Even if all they do is to help men and women not to mistake the friction between them for hopeless character flaws, they will be well worthwhile.
And maybe it's a question of the "100th monkey" effect.
Bon voyage. We look forward to your unexpurgated report upon your return.