Well, Mari, I understand what you are going through. I have had a similar experience, so I think I can help.

I think there are two good options you should consider. The first is to take some time off from the group you are involved with. I find that when I'm in a stressful situation, getting myself out of it so I can think is a really big help. It just lets me calm down, approach it with a sense of calm, and really make the right choice for myself. You are still in school, right? You can always say you need time to focus on your studies.

The second option is to talk to someone inside of the Party you trust. This may be easier said than done, saying you are new to the group. However, they may be able to shed some better light on what is going on inside, and maybe why things are done, and ease your mind.

I hope these suggestions help, Mari. Best of luck, and I know for certain you will be fine.

and it seems like hierarchical organizations bring out their worst side.

I know you'll choose the right path for you, now. But, speaking of guidance, often when it seems vague, it means

1. there's more (events/ info) to come that will make the right choice *really obvious,* or

2.the guidance is going to come through another medium even more clearly (something you're obviously open to), or

3. it's not time yet to make a move so it wants you waffling around for a while because the next right thing hasn't shown up quite yet. (For example, often my guidance would keep me in a relationship long after I would normally have bolted - as Hotspring was threatening to do a week or two ago - because I needed to see something important that I would have missed by leaving, as, for example, how I could fall back in love with someone, once the sexual hangover passed.) or

4. there's a need for you to trust yourself and make your own decision ("right" or "wrong") to learn something at a very deep level. For example, early on, I could never get a clear answer on whether orgasm caused problems for women, too. So I just followed my instincts, and carried on enthusiastically. Eventually, one of my best friends (quite multi-orgasmic, I might add) was starting to form the same suspicions I was - namely that orgasm was resulting in mood swings. She tended to get weepy. I tended to get sharp of tongue. Only when we were both really open to hearing the unexpected, non-mainstream answer did I begin to get clear guidance. At that point, it was unmistakable. In fact, another friend then gave me a book, printed in India, which said that orgasm had been known to make women overly emotional...I believe the word was "hysterical." . It was an important confirmation, but I don't think I would have believed that book, had it arrived before we noticed the same thing ourselves. Keep in mind that we didn't have any of the brain chemistry that makes clear how orgasm could cause a hangover in both sexes. We only had the "men shouldn't lose their semen" texts.

All this is a *very* long way of saying that there's not always a "yes" or "no" answer that's right in the moment. There may be a "yes, but not quite yet," or a "no, but this may change later" answer. Maddening, eh? In short, trust the timing, too! In general, hasty action is not being called for - although there ARE exceptions.

By the way, have you ever been to a Quaker meeting? The Quakers seem to be pretty squared away (no doctrine, next to no hierarchy), and they do a LOT of peace activism in a quiet, refreshingly humble, practical way. That's just one of many other possible paths if you DO feel guided to step off of this one at some point. Good luck figuring it out.

I had no idea that my cry for help would yield such words of wisdom. I only know one thing for certain right now: that at least here I know I am in the right place. Thank you all for your support.

These thoughts that have been driving me crazy today are not new. In fact, they were creeping in since the beginning of this journey, in regards to the organization in particular. I think they have become more pronounced recently because of how much I've had on my plate, and because I've been thinking more and more about what is keeping me from intimacy. Those thoughts led me to ask why I wouldn't want to get involved with anybody from within this organization, which has led me to face the possibility that it could very well be that I don't really want to be there. As grateful as I am for what I've learned there, there is a rigidity and militancy about it that doesn't sit well with me. I've been trying to ignore it because I like the people so much, but I just can't seem to let it go.

I really am trying not to act too hastily here, even though there is a part of me that feels the writing is already on the wall. I'm hoping that the answer lies somewhere in Marnia's suggestion number 1 or 3, because 4 is kinda freaking me out. Although, it if keeps eating away at me like this, I may just have to make that decision.

Right now, I feel as though I should probably just keep these reservations to myself, versus sharing them with other members of the party, and try and step back for awhile so that I may see more clearly. I cannot deny that my heart these days is calling for some peace and quiet, to withdraw from the struggle and regain my strength. To that effect, a Quaker meeting does not sound like a bad idea at all.

Thank you so much for your guidance. It really has helped me today a great deal.

Thank you Jorgen, for the book recommendation. It's looking like my schedule might be opening up soon, and I might actually have time to read!

Marnia, I have to thank you publicly here for laying out the meanings of guidance for me so clearly. I think I read that ten times over since you posted it. I said last night that I hoped it wasn't number 4, but I think today that it may very well be. I cannot keep up the work that I am doing with this organization because I do not have the time or energy. And while I feel passionate about what they are doing, I don't have the commitment to the group itself that is so necessary to do this work. At the same time, I know I am going to have regrets. I already do, in fact. It feels like I'm breaking up with someone. My defenses are up, because I don't want to succumb to their pressure and end up working myself to death at the expense of everything else in my life. Behind the defenses, though, I am grieving. I am very sad about this.

It occurred to me this morning that the I Ching did actually warn me about a week ago of a decision approaching. I had a feeling it had something to do with this, but didn't want to see it. I suppose the universe is not conspiring against me after all, even though it has been feeling like it in regards to this issue. I had a group meeting this morning, and they announced several upcoming events, one being a National Fund Drive, where every member is being asked to contribute a significant amount of money. I realized I couldn't do it even if I wanted to. So now I am forced to make the decision: either walk away and hope for the best, or stay and work myself into a frenzy.

There are silver linings here, even though they are not bringing much comfort right at this moment. I have learned a lot, and I really believe this experience will aid me in the future, possibly within another group that is more suitable to my personality. I'm also going to have some more free time, and less stress, so I can focus more on my intimacy issues, hang out with Quakers, or even just watch a movie once in awhile.

One more thing I thought I'd say: I've obviously been thinking a lot about the people that I've been working with, and the relationships I've been building with them. I have spent a great deal of time attempting to understand what it is that keeps them going. I know for myself, I really do enjoy the work and the sense of community. But some people will literally work themselves to the brink of their sanity, and one has to wonder why?? I did notice that the majority of people who dedicate a significant amount of time and energy to their cause are those who have a spouse or partner at home. In these cases, I have to wonder exactly what it is they are working so hard for. Is it for political or ethical reasons, or is it to avoid their husbands or wives?!?

I think we all here know the answer to that question. I just thought I'd mention. I don't want to be one of those people, so I'm going to re-prioritize things in my life now to make sure that doesn't happen to me.

Thanks again for reading and for all your support.

I made a really good decision today. I went to visit a professor of mine, I will call him Dr. E, to discuss this situation with him. I can say with all sincerity that Dr. E is one of my personal heroes. He has been a professor of U.S. and German history for 20 years. He is also a wounded Vietnam veteran, a lawyer, a judge, and in two years time, he is going to be retiring from all of this to devote himself to being a full-time rabbi. He is also the reason I chose history as my major, not because he turned me onto the subject, but because he was able to convince that I have what it takes to pursue my dream with success.

I'd only recently told him about my decision to get involved with a radical political party, even though I was his student when I made the decision, and even though it was his lectures that inspired me to do it. I was never quite certain where he stood on the subject, which was no accident on his part, but he is a revolutionary in his own right. And I had a feeling he knew more about what I'd gotten myself into in these last five months than he was letting on. And I was right! We talked for about 30 minutes, and I learned that he had also joined a similar group while he was in college, and for the same reason I did. And guess what else? He found himself in the same situation that I'm in now!

Talking to him today was such a great relief for me. He validated everything I was feeling, and before I even had to say anything. I can't even express how comforting it was to have someone I admire so much tell me that everything I've been sensing about the group is right on target. Any and all residual doubt has dissolved, and I am ready to move on to better things.

After talking to him today, I think I may have finally realized why I never mentioned to him my decision to get active politically so many months ago. I think maybe it was because I needed to do it alone, to find out for myself what was out there. Considering the situation this way makes me more certain that this has definitely occurred in my life for some larger purpose, even if it is unknown at this time what exactly that purpose is. It also had a lot to do with my fascination with history. The political voices of the past who spoke out for equality, and for the people who were suffering, gave me so much inspiration, I thought I could connect to it somehow in the present. In some ways, I did. In other ways, not so much.

In this same vein, the idea about the Quakers is very appealing. Historically, they embraced diversity and people suffering persecution in their native countries. This is quite inspiring as well, and very relevant as my chosen path of study seems to be leading me to a possible career working with minority populations. So, I know I already said this, but this is a great suggestion! I'm going to refrain from actually JOINING any other groups for a while, just to avoid making anymore hasty decisions, but I'm very excited about this idea, and feeling so much better about the events of the last few weeks.

Today, another thing became more clear as well, as I thought about where to go from here. If I am really serious about healing, and moving forward into a healthy relationship, I need to start with my own physical health. I need to start taking better care of myself. I really want to release my last addiction, nicotine, and I also have another recurring health problem that needs to be tended to. These are things I have been putting off for far too long, and are clearly standing in the way of my progress to get to wherever it is that I'm going. I believe this is my next step, and I'm sure I'll be writing more about it here.

Thank you again to everyone for your comments and suggestions, and to Dr. E, even though he won't be reading this.