Eye on the Prize

I have taken my eye off the goal without realizing it. So easy to happen and it crept up so slowly, but I find myself pointed in a direction I was not expecting. Sort of like running very hard with my head down and realizing I missed a turn and didn't notice until I looked up again.

The comments of Julie, Richard, Mari, Marnia, Jorgen and others lately have really given me pause.

My goal since separating from my wife is to re-connect with me. To find pleasure in things that I am driven to. To drive life and not let my life, or the lives of those around me drive me. I have also been focused on not blaming or complaining about others, but taking responsibility for me and the rest will fall in line.

The truth will set me free has been a helpful mantra but maybe there is a need for a new one to re-ignite me drive.

I think in my focus to be straight forward, honest, and transparent, I bowled forward. I needed motion and self-actualization. That came in seeing myself as a capable individual regardless of my relationship with anyone -including my wife. By that I mean I defined myself through my relationship to others. If my wife thought I was good, then I was. If she was happy with me, then I was worthy. Etc. These are thoughts that lead to dependence and addiction, or even just to unhealthy spiritual living.

So I was able to overcome my addiction with the help of this group, but really through the confidence I gained by acting on my wants and desires to be free of that addiction. The next level was/is to lead my life and make choices based on what I want, what is truly and healthily my desire and response to who I am, not who I think I should be.

In seeking that, I brazenly pushed on. I got momentum. I decided to get the apartment and move out. I pushed for financial separation. I pushed for us to be honest and to start looking past our relationship. I could not be tied to the past, could not force a future together, so started to affect the only thing I can - myself.

It has been helpful. I've seen a lot of me. It has given me the confidence to be blunt and honest with my wife. All my honest has been positive - it always comes out better than you fear when you uncover your lies. The light of day really does cure things.

I realize I have taken that too far. It has gone from being freeing, to being a bit reckless and selfish. I need to pull back in a bit and re-assess.

My curiousity and research, looking at online dating, wondering “if” and dating etc – has moved me to a place I am not ready for. I have been feeling loneliness over the past few weeks which is normal but I think some of it may be in reaction to my trying to find a partner which has opened me up to the “fear of rejection” and the self analyzation (why don’t they email me, call me, why am I not with anyone? Am I not good enough? Do I need to be different?)

The fact is, I don’t need to be with anyone right now. I need to be still. To wait. To experience and feel. I was focused on finding out more about me. Spending my time doing the things I want and learning what it is that makes me tick. My focus on partnership/friendship and not being alone, has changed my focus. I don’t think I would enter into a different relationship as a whole person yet. I think I would default to closer to what I have been in my last relationship and I don’t want that. That’s not good enough.

And, I am not over my wife/marriage. I could go back. Yes I know, I’ve come a long way. I’m not going to hang myself pining for something. Or even wooing my wife back. But I’m not ready to move on yet. So I won’t. I don’t expect her to come back or our marriage to come back to a better place. But I don’t need things to move as fast as they have. If I slow down, focus on me, not on other women, who knows? I know one thing, I will respect myself more and the rest will follow.

So thank you everyone for honest commentary and questions. I’m going to slow down a bit. Take things as they come. Not force things. I think maybe the change in my plateau is not a need for more motion, but maybe more stillness to move to a different peace.