"Losing it all to find it..."

This was a response to Richard's blog. A chance to revisit some of the twists in my recovery.

Richard -
Glad to see you blogging yourself instead of just responding to others ramblings, er sharing!! .gif" alt="smiley"/>

I like the way you said you had to be ready to lose it all to have any chance of making your marriage better. Though my wife was the one who called a spade a spade, I resonate with your perception. I was holding on and "killing myself" for the 6-8 months after she said she thought it was over in January. I did everything in my power to "make amends" for the bad husband I had been. For all the distance and separation I had let come between us, and without saying it, for my addiction to orgasm. I was going to change and beat it all and when she saw that, she would come running back.

She did admit to seeing and like the change, but it was really too little too late.

My shrink kept telling me "you can't be stuck in the middle. You are paralyzed. You need to let go and move on with your life. Your pain is killing you."

I finally listened and when my wife told me again in August "I am just not attracted to you anymore and I don't think that is going to change. I love you as a friend and will always be there for you, but the attraction just isn't there." For a week, that killed me. I sent her off to Florida with the kids so she and I could adjust and I moved foward.

I got an apartment, got ready to move out etc. I really shocked her! She was used to making all the decisions and here I was taking action.

I'm so glad I finally did. Just moving and doing something was a huge weight off. I did not/do not want to be alone and though I don't think we are presently good for each other, I don't want to totally let go - but that's something to discuss later. Just saying that moving on and "being willing to lose it all" was healthy. It was waking up to the reality really.

Then I found this site. I was looking for another "porn recovery" site to give me resolve. It hadn't happened yet but I was determined to try. Then I devoured Marnia's site. I have the book but admit to not getting past about Chapter 4 - I want to but have not taken the time yet. I have read every page of this site though!

This group gave me the courage just a few weeks ago to tell her about my years of addiction while we were married. I did not have an affair, but I did have a 2D affair. She was hurt and said she did not think she could ever get over that. She also said "I guess I kind of new all these years and that's why I never want to have sex." That's not completely true, but I get it.

So now my hunch is that she's going to come back. It's going to be at least a year, but she doesn't want to date others. She has someone pursuing her now, but she can't see being in another relationship. She is also finding my honest attractive. She has not voiced that but I sense it.

So I'm not crawling anymore. If she wants to wake up and change our dynamic, I'll listen, but I refuse to give up my freedom or my new found identity.

So I'm resonating with your saying "stop kiilling yourself" and with your "gotta be willing to lose it all" for it to get any better.

Its a journey, but this journey and my orgasmic celibacy (which I honestly didn't think I could do - it's been 6 months yesterday!!!) feels healthy, real and life giving. And no matter what happens, that's my goal and my reward.

thank you for being her Richard, you have breathed new life into my lungs.
TLR