Keys to success in recovery

One of the things that has impressed me about several of you who are making the most progress is your commitment to helping others. I'm not ruling out the possibility that you're just especially generous, loving men - and men in need of something wholesome to do with your cute fingers - but it also seems like there's a genuine sense that supporting others is the best way to help yourselves.

I have the sense, too, that for some of you, Courtly Companions, official or unofficial, have provided some very helpful support - and opportunity to support. (BTW, I'm running around with a butterfly net looking for more women. I'm sorry some others of you have been waiting for a while.) In short, healthy, generous interaction seems to help balance things.

It took me a while to find a therapist because I'm broke and on Medicaid. I saw a couple of people before find my current therapist a few weeks ago. I have two fourty minute sessions with him each week. In addition to this I'm in a Cognitive Behavior Therapy group once a week. So I do three therapy type things every week.

The cheapest therapy you'll ever find. This was suggested to me by a therapist I was seeing last summer. I put a rubber band on my wrist and snap it when I want to divert my attention.

During the course of trying to find a way to divert my attention from lust and euphoric recall I came across a website that recommended aversive odor therapy using amonia based smelling salts. I decided that I really did not like the aversion idea and went in search of something more positive. In my search of aromatherapy sites I came across a few formulas that seemed relaxing and soothing. I finally cme up with the following recipe:

Oils:

oil of pinion
eucalyptus
lemongrass
bay
nutmeg
clary sage
lavendar
citrus

Carrier Oil: Organic Almond Oil

Because these oils are fairly expensive and I'm broke I've only put together part of the recipe. Right now I have eucalyptus, lemongrass and lavendar in my almond oil base. I intend to add the other oils as I'm able to afford them.

I put a few drops on my wrists and under my nose. The idea is to smell the scents and to have them on the body.

I do find this soothing.

The following is a list of 12-Step Programs related specifically to sex addiction in one form or another. All of these prgorams are based on AA. Each has a slightly different take on things.

Sexaholics Anonymousm – SA http://www.sa.org/

Sex Addicts Anonymous – SAA http://www.sa.org/

Sexual Compulsives Anonymous – SCA http://www.sca-recovery.org/

Sexual Recovery Anonymous – SRA http://www.sca-recovery.org/

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous – SLAA http://www.slaafws.org/

I've been going to these groups since I hit my "rock botton" in May, 2006. I also participate in another 12-Step program for another probem (Debtors Anonymous). I notice that many people are in more than one 12-Step program.

Early on in my recovery, I was blessed to find this web site - Recovery Nation - and believe it will appeal to those of us that love the convenience of doing recovery work via the computer in the comfort of our homes.

The site refers to itself as "health based" - a refreshing approach that eliminates the stigma of being labeled an "addict" or feeling like we are "diseased".

The core workship - a completely structured step-by-step recovery curriculum, is absolutely free and extremely valuable for anyone willing to do the work. There is also a companion "partner's workshop" path for the others impacted by addiction that provides hope and perspective for their part in the healing journey.

I have no stake in this site and must honestly admit that I did not complete the entire course. I did receive coaching from Jonathan Marsh, the web site founder for a short season and I would characterize him as a male version of Marnia in what he does to help others.

There is also a wonderful forum of people, along with a team of "coaches" sharing about their addiction recovery and much to glean from the support of realizing we are not alone in our struggles. Another observation is the number of women there enjoying the safety of the internet to admit how they are also struggling with sexual/love addiction issues - this is clearly not just a male issue in today's society, given our current equal opportunity cultural milieu.

Nuf said - check it out and I pray that it will be something that can help.

http://www.recoverynation.com/

I also recently put in a plug for Co-Dependents Anonymous - a 12 Step support group that has been very helpful to me in my recovery. It helps to indentify core issues around "healthy relationships" and learning how to deal with denial, low self esteem, compliance and control - very often the sources of pain that ultimately lead to "acting out" in sexual addiction. Through the web site, you can review a free "Characteristics of Co-Dependency" profile to determine if these type of issues resonate in your life. A guide to meetings in your area is also available.

http://www.codependents.org/

More soon.

Thanks for getting the ball rolling tlr!

Richard

honesty with myself was and is essential. 'Tuning in' to how I really feel...behind the madness of addiction, what am I really running from? Whenever I stop, painful and uncomfortable feelings begin to surface, which I was using porn to obliterate...again and again. I know they (rightly) say it's withdrawal, but in my case I intuit that like an alcoholic can 'use' his addiction to avoid facing inner pain, I was using the 'rush' and resulting lows as a handy distraction...from having to face the fact that at 38 years of age, I'm still healing pains from childhood and adolescence. So thank you for your honesty, I will try to maintain honesty also...though it will be humbling.

(I know this probably should be posted in a separate tread, but since I haven't the 'authority' to create my own blog yet, I hope you don't mind
me posting it here).

In my own journey of understanding and healing my sexuality I have come to a clear understanding and differentiation between Lovemaking and Sex.

A. Sex being:
-Driven by excitement and lust, the animal instinct in men and woman.
-Involves typically emotions, fantasies and thoughts. Takes one out of the presence and into ones own inner 'fantasy' world not really being present with ones partner.
- Goal oriented towards and orgasm and focus on attaining higher and higher levels of excitement.

Fuels the Ego (who you think you are - your false self covering and suppressing your true nature).

B. Lovemaking being:
-Opening up to unconditional Divine Love so that Love not just excitement is the main energy and attraction between the two lovers.
-Being fully aware and present with one another. Fully seeing WHAT IS....Inner and outer beauty of each other. (Stillness of mind so that fantasi and thought not takes one out of the present).
-Getting 'out of the way' and let the bodies naturally take over. Focus on direct sensations in the body and not thought and emotions (past).
- No goals, no expectations, letting lovemaking flow naturally....orgasm can be part of the lovemaking or not.

Opens one up to ones true nature as Love, Bliss, Peace, Freedom and Purity and surrenders/heals aspect of ones 'false self' during the love making.

In my own life experience, my ego drive for sexual excitement have caused me more pain and descend than anything else. Because of ignorance and lack of personal responsibility I hit rock bottom a couple of years ago feeling totally empty and numb inside - with the high levels of love I had before out of sight. Looking back I realize that there was actually a war going on inside me between my true nature (love) and my ego and due to my addiction to sex (established already at age 6- and not fully understanding what was going on my ego won the first round...with a high and painful price to pay (emptiness, numbness).

Today I understand that the reason I at times was 'afraid' of Love (especially receiving love) was because of my ego. My ego (false self) was afraid of love and always tried to distract me away when love was there (Being in contact with my true nature). It did so most effectively by 'suggesting' ways to pleasure through sexual excitement which I due to addiction, ignorance and lack of personal responsibility choose again and again with the result, that I finally temporarily lost contact with my true nature (lately love and my true nature is surfacing again). The ego (creation in the mind made up by false beliefs, old hurts and illusions) is afraid of love because when I fully realize my true nature as love, bliss, peace, freedom and purity the ego will be no more.

Knowing the devastating effects of Sex (as described i A) and not knowing much about Lovemaking (as described i I for a long time have been a celibate like many other mature souls interested in Self- and Godrealization. Only after much in depth study and contemplating my own sexual experiences (with and without lovers/partners) have I come to realize that lovemaking with a partner actually can be conducive to genuine spiritual unfoldment.

Unlike most tantric paths (who just evolves around increasing excitement and therefore strengthen and keep one identified with the ego) I finally in Barry Longs teaching found a level of truth that explained me in dept what was going on, and why my sexuality got me into
the troubles it did. His teaching has revealed everything with such clarity (I now understand my own sexual experiences etc., both the few times I experienced lovemaking and all the other times it was just 'sex'), that I have no more questions and only need to actually apply it (some of which is conveyed in . The clarity in his teaching about sexuality is so evident that all ignorance I had about sexuality and the bondage, suffering and descend this caused me, now is replaced by truth and understanding.

Never again will I get myself involved in just 'sex' and the pleasure/pain mechanism that automatic follows. Due to Barry Long I now know that I have an alternative to celibacy namely lovemaking where the pleasure/pain mechanism is replaced by increased love in and between me and a partner (when sufficient love is present during the act the sexual energy gets 'divinely qualified' so to speak and therefore doesn’t backfire - Jesus helped me understand this divine principle to).

As mentioned in earlier posts my intent is to find a lover/partner this spring/summer who is willing and interested in this practice with me.
I will then like to share my experience with you and convey if it actually works for my partner and me, as it did for Barry Long and others I have read about. Only what actually 'works' can be of any interest.

Blessings
Jørgen

Ps. I know the above contribution would have a higher 'value' if I had already practised approach B and tested it out. Given my personal experience and understanding of approach A and its 'negative' consequences (for me at least) I believe some value might be gained from what I share in spite. As always use your own discernment and experiences to see if its also 'rings' true for you or not.

If it rings true for you, I whole heartedly suggest you to listen to this 2 CD lecture by Barry Long in addition to the Reunited materiel/book:

'Making Love - Sexual Love the Divine Way'....... http://www.barrylong.org/list/CD&series_within

Just be aware that a lot of inner resistance can show up listening to this. Know this to be your Ego/false self.

Anyone who wants to blog should contact me, as I have repeatedly said. Sometimes I automatically give blogging status to someone who arrives in "critical condition" to help with their recovery, or because they are writing me privately with things I know you would all enjoy reading, too, but others are welcome to blog, too. Just ask.

I see that suggestions regarding 12-step programs and other support groups have already been covered here, but I'm just going to add to it a bit. I'll also say again that I've never had a pornography addiction specifically, mostly because by the time I had a decent internet connection, I'd already read Peace Between the Sheets, and was well into my own struggles with abstinence. However, "addiction" happens to be my middle name, at least it used to be, so I've found many of these suggestions helpful as well. (Most especially, the one about eating elephants. TLR: you seriously come up with the greatest analogies, always making me laugh, AND making me think!)

In dealing with addiction recovery, including those pesky urges to relapse, I've found that one of the most important things is the company of others. From the months of November 2007 through March 2008, I was heavily involved with an activist group here in LA. In that time, I have never felt more relief from the sexual frustrations I've experienced with celibacy. I thought that it had something to do with the actual work I was doing, and I still think that may have been part of it, but I'm now realizing that it was more about the people I was with! It was all the hugs and smiles that were offered to me whenever I walked into that office!

Personally, I know that when I get stressed out and the tension starts to build within me, my instinctive reaction is to shut everyone else out. I saw this first-hand in my former partner as well (who actually did struggle a great deal with pornography addiction). I know how difficult it is to break out of this when every bone in your body is telling you stay in your own head, but it is so important to break that habit. I realized this again just the other day: I had a week that was, in all seriousness, one major life crisis after another. All I wanted to do was be alone, and began to allow those self-centered thoughts to creep in. I had family from out of town planning on coming to visit, and so I went ahead and told them that it was too inconvenient for me to have guests. After some thought, though, I started to feel like a huge jerk for doing that, so despite myself, I called them back and invited them over. But you know what happened? As soon as they arrived, and I was once again showered with hugs and smiles, I felt all that tension dissipate. It just went away, and I was so grateful for the company!

While the comfort of friends and family are very beneficial (as long as it's not the kind of family that makes you nuts!), there is also a lot of support to be found in this group here. It is also a very safe place to talk about sexual addiction and other related problems that cannot be easily brought up among friends. Admittedly, blogging, even when done anonymously, is not exactly comfortable for me. It brings up a lot of anxiety in me for some reason. However, one-on-one communication has been tremendously comforting. I have talked a lot with my Courtly Companion, but also with others here. I've even been able to talk to two separate members here on the phone, making new friends who can give and receive support in real-time! I'm bringing this up for other members here, but also for those who may just be peeping in on these conversations, but may be too timid to join in because blogging isn't their idea of comfort and support. There is more going on here than just blogging, and I'm certain there will be more to come in the future!

I hope that this provides encouragement for someone, because like I said, I have received a great deal of encouragement from all the suggestions above.

I just want to reiterate the importance of some of the things Thelongrun said.

First about the submission/ powerlessness. I think this was the biggest hurdle to pass of any of the things I had to deal with, next to self confidence. There's an interesting quote I heard repeated in a video game I played once: "a man chooses, a slave obeys." I realized that with my disease, I wasn't choosing. I was a slave to my own mind, stuck in a bad cycle. It's hard to see out of that, and it's really hard when you consciously and unconsciously want the same objective. It takes a lot of self-discovery to realize this end.

Second, fighting back requires just about all the resolve you can muster. Even then, it's still possible to go off course. It takes support from others and some form of therapy to resolve the important issues. I can say from those that hve been here, resolution of a lot of deep psychological issues helps tremendously and helps to break some of the hard-wired tendencies people can build up without knowing it.

One of the most hard-wired tendencies is to beat yourself down, too. And this is the hardest one to overcome, I think. Once you can get to this one and tackle it, it makes the road much easier to travel. It's the hardest, but it has the biggest payoff in the end.

By the way, talking to anyone, no matter how big or small, always helps. I found helping someone else makes things easier, and probably more importantly, gives you a reason to stay on target.

I know a little bit of this sounds harsh, but it's not because I don't care. Getting better, as I'm sure any of the men on here will tell you, requires a lot of discipline. With hard work and success, it just gets better. Period.

Another tool that I think is useful is using the Private Message feature on this site to communicate with other members more personally, while maintaining anonymity. If and when you want, you can ask someone if they would like to have a phone conversation. I had a wonderful phone conversation with one of the people on this list. It was such a delight and I really felt supported in ways that were incredible; since each of us has been reading each other's blogs and forum posts on this site.

on the road to recovery can be challenging.

As we continue to share our collective experience in this journey, I wanted to link a thread that starts with a story of encouragement regarding dealing with the everpresent urges that can find us when we least expect them. TLR is a role model to me in his insightful way of sharing and I always seem to resonate with his experiences.

http://www.reuniting.info/node/1234

You will also find some of my random thoughts around what I have learned from recovery experiences over the last 18 months - along with some good insights from others.

Hope there is something of use for those out there still struggling.

Keep on keeping on!

Richard

the "Sumsing Turbo 3000" can *also* instantly cure porn addiction.

http://www.flixxy.com/sumsing-turbo-3000-cellphone.htm

Had I known about such a wonderful phone, would never have tried to convince asher that there is no such thing as an Easy Button!

That is so random Marnia - I am grinning from ear to ear!
[bigsmile]

Richard

A long struggle, trying to summon up the inner fire of plain goodness, versus the force of addiction to orgasm pulling me u-know-where. Mental to-ing and fro-ing. Finally (it's very hard to give up one's comforts when one lives an isolated life- not much work, no money...etc) I begin wondering why I am bothering. But the effort I had already put in paid off in the end. Anyway, I did end up at an old 'favourite site', giving in to the animalistic lusty mind. But I kept myself open to higher reason. I run from the PC to see what is on the TV, try to run away. Nothing but utter crap...I go back to the PC. Then I look more deeply into the eyes of the young woman before me. I really look and see a human being, fragility, even a degree of innocence. (Being 37 years old) I am literally old enough to be her father. How would I feel if this were my daughter? And she IS someone's daughter. I feel like putting a blanket over her naked skin, to protect her. By now my state of mind is changed, the impulsive lust of a few minutes ago is gone. I 'log out' without having had the headrush of an 'O'.

I know this is not the advised method. I know I should not have been there in the first place. I just reflect that even in this difficult time for me, sometimes I am able to follow my higher instincts. So the 'key to recovery' for me tonight was seeing the human being before me, rather than just an object of misguided lust. In my heart of hearts I feel sad that young women would choose to put themselves in this situation. But I am not perfect, so I will probably have this battle again. I just hope I keep winning.

Thank you for looking into her eyes.

How did you know this is not the "advised method" Asher?

Oh ye of little faith!

You are an inspiration to all of us as and I think your method is so beautiful and thus, very advised - I am touched deeply to write this in response to your sharing.

I have been sharing some thoughts about the connection between anger and lust recently and responding in love as you did towards this young lady is perfection and I am not surprised that you felt no compulsion to "act out".

I am healing in so many ways and I can see that my old patterns of "objectifying" women is an old, tired relic that has no purpose in my desire to manifest loving intent.

Will you have this battle again? Of course! We are bombarded with sexual images everywhere! How lovely when there is no battle to fight as your only response is one of pure love, in everything you say and do.

I am with you my friend in spirit and feel joy in your sharing tonight.

The measure is passed - so be it - the eyes have it.

Richard

a part of me needs to really 'hit the bottom' as I get to experience what mud really tastes like. I hope I really learn from all of this, and that I do not spend too much time here. There is a scene from one of the 'Terminator' movies where the (good) cyborg has been reprogrammed by one of the bad ones, and as he walks towards the people he was initially programmed to protect, he is warning them to stand back, that somone has messed with his hard drive. He keeps flashing between conflicting programs, and then shuts himself down. That's how I feel. It's like the desire for the rush of orgasm is so powerful that in order to overcome the withdrawal period...what am I going to have to do??? My 'hard wiring' has been messed with too. I have moments of clarity and spiritual insight alternating with my familiar impulsive lust. I have said this before, but without this site and the people in it, I don't see how I am going to get free. If I can overcome this, I can overcome ANYTHING. I will become superhuman I think. To all the supermen who have gone before me, you have my admiration. To the wonderful women who visit this site, I wish to say that even a sensitive, caring male can become addicted to porn, we men are battling with deep biological urges. In the 'real world' I am courteous, respectful and protective of women. Yet in front of PC I struggle with porn. Sounds so contradictory.

Here's a thought: Are there any local groups? It's obvious that you're finding group support useful, so why not indulge in a bit more? Could tip the balance. And besides, you're likely to make some great pals.

A big hug,
Marnia

It is the hardest step you will ever love asher.

A couple of thoughts resonate in me in this moment:

The wonderful fellowship of our community here is through the very computer that delivers your dose of porn - like your wonderful analogy of the cyborg with 2 competing programs and my reference to "which dog do you feed?" - at the very least, some balance outside the computer realm might be very energizing and healing in your journey away from those irresistable urges.

I recall in the glory days of my addiction while still hard in the corporate grind - the memo came out from the IT Department that chat was banned from all company computers. It was a major step for my recovery - maybe a miraculous event for me - and such a relief as I no longer had the ability to respond to what was admittedly, an irresistable urge and did not dare chat at home around the family - uh, ehr, I did chat at home but it was a lot harder around the family than in the privacy of my office over my 12 hour days....

Have you considered blocking software to get rid of the porn? Give your blocking password to a trusted friend and away you go. Don't have a trusted friend? Hmmm - that is where the meetings come in!

Rest assured - I can still remember the deep shame and anguish that I felt in walking into my first meeting and even the fear and nerves from picking up the phone to call for meeting information. But now? I have so many great men pals and the joy of no longer having to hide in the shadows is so liberating.

But, but, but....I still remember my revulsion at the thought of associating with such horrible perverts - we are talking all sorts of stuff that men in addiction do to manifest their pain - but now I realize that my addiction was all the more insidious for being so socially acceptable - legions of cyber sex and phone sex and sexual encounters with real women - most men get back slaps and high fives for all those notches on their belt.

Addiction is all about isolation and shame - once you come out into the light - use the God of your understanding to infuse your life with love and acceptance, the addiction (over time) loses its grip over you.

Last though - there are meetings and there are meetings. Let your inner guidance help you find the right place. I can point you in any number of directions if you are interested but my experience will not translate to what you might need - only you can find that. Even if we were to agree on a particular group or approach - the flavor of each group is the sum total of the people that inhabit the community - your inner guidance will help you find what you need and sometimes you need to attend a group multiple times before you will know.

I am amazed how many times the sharing topic, stories we read or open sharing by men totally resonates with the issue I need to hear - God's way of showing me how that I can trust that my needs will be met, if "I let go and let God."

Anyhow - what do I know? I'm sticking with you asher and will help in any way that I can - let me know what, if anything, I can do!

Richard

In the 12-Step meeting rooms you hear the slogan "meeting makers make it." If there are meetings of the 12-Step groups mentioned above, I suggest you check them out. Each meeting is different so go to different ones a few times and see if you find one that reasonates with you. If you live in a place where there are no such meetings you have a couple of choices, 1) go to OPEN meetings of AA, 2) find one other person and start a meeting yourself. All of these groups make it easy for folks to start meetings.

Another possibility is to use the Private Message feature of this site and write to people you feel reasonate with you. While this option is far from ideal, it is better than stewing in your addiction and being unhappy.

(and the word 'gentle' is significant) you are so very understanding and supportive. Yes it IS the connections I have made here that are the 'missing ingredient' I did not have when I would try to give up before. I still have to row the boat myself, but this time there is a lighthouse (this site), and other 'rowers' to give me advice about the journey (having made the first leg of the journey themselves, they are well positioned to help others across). Sometimes the waters will get rough, which is when I must be extra vigilant to keep the boat well sealed and watertight...if there is a storm, my Higher Power will be with me so I have nothing to fear, just face the discomfort and keep on. From what I have heard, we reach a calmer and more peaceful ocean, where the journey continues to ever brighter waters...
I am feeling more positive this morning, but I still need to 'seal the boat' because I know myself now, I know that it is at night that the waters get 'rough'. I will investigate what support groups are available in my area. Hmm, if their meetings are at night, there's at least one nightly battle 'in the bag' already.

One of the challenges of recovery is dealing with the power of denial in regard to our sexual addiction. I look back on life before recovery and I had no idea how deeply lost I was.

Just for perspective, I have attached two links that offer free self assessment screenings. One comes from the Gentle Path program at Pine Grove - a reknown rehab center founded by sexual addiction expert, Patrick Carnes.

http://www.pinegrovetreatment.com/self-assessment.html

The other assessment is from Recovery Nation - the health based sexual addiction recovery web site that I think very highly of. Looking at their assessment will give you an idea of the no nonsense approach that they use to recovery.

http://www.recoverynation.com/coaching/easy_screening.htm

The earlier you recognize that you have a problem, the easier it will be to turn things around. Listen to your inner wisdom to guide you in the right direction.

Richard