I was a little afraid reading this thinking you would end by telling us you blew it - but no! Great for you, really right on my friend! I see no frog, only prince. When you get near a watery lake region, your old habitat, you remember being a frog and start to feel like one. Good for your for remembering who you really are (you are not your urges)!

with a happy ending and yes, your title did have us on the edge of our seats - so glad you were able to navigate your way around the triggers.

There may be some guys that still wish they could "just say no" in a situation like yours - for their edification - I wanted to share some observations on what I have learned in recovery and why I think you are so successful.

Our old friend is more likely to return when we are "triggered" - I identified a bunch of things in your sharing that would trigger me - stress, exhaustion, more stress, low energy/burnout from organizing kids - like herding cats - feelings of inadequacy (I play piano and know well how I feel when I am out of my comfort zone in front of a group) - the point being this looks to me like a "perfect storm" opportunity for urges to come knocking at your door - is it any wonder you had some thoughts later?

A classic book on sexual addiction - Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes - has so much to say on the cycle that precedes "acting out". My point being that as your archetypical man, I have so much to learn about having better awareness about my feelings as it is the energy of those feelings the fuel the addictive cycle hours and days before I ever choose to be sexually compulsive.

This is the classic moment in just about every horror movie when the hero decides to open the door to see what the noise is in the other room, in spite of our shrieks of "No! Don't go!". Voyages out into cyberspace are famous for how they warp the time/space continuum - That one hour on line becomes 4 hours as we connect into the vast infinity of the on line world and for me, I end up "wired" when 4 hours before I was just tired. I try to be very careful about my on line habits evenings when I am tired - knowing I am very vulnerable to my sexual triggers and try to find healthy alternatives. When I do end up late at night in a state of "on line agitation" - it is so easy to orgasm and go to sleep, with or without porno - so for me, I try to understand this dynamic and make other choices, to avoid being vulnerable to this obvious temptation.

The moment of truth! The gauntlet is thrown down - the offer is tendered - what's a boy to do? It's the perfect crime - nobody has to know - what harm is there? - I really need to get to sleep and a nice orgasm would be perfect - you get the idea...fill in your own blanks here. This is where it is so easy to get into trouble and give in. TLR - would love for you to share more about how you got to your "conscious decision" when so many slip.

For those still struggling in the grips of their addiction, I have some thoughts: first and foremost, I try to change the energy - it is a force greater than my resolve - if I fight it head on, I am likely to lose. I have phone lists from my recovery groups - and have a handful of friends on my lists that I can call 24/7 in a moment of weakness. Mind you, it is always easier to "ask for forgiveness rather than permission" and we joke about the phone weighing about 200 pounds in those moments. If you can't find the courage to call, ask yourself, "Is what I am about to do something I can share openly and proudly with the people I care about?" Get in touch with how good it feels when you do the right thing and thus, short circuit that cycle that will leave you feeling guilt and shame the next morning not to mention, sending you on the 2 week withdrawal cycle that Marnia has so eloquently illustrated in her writing.

Got God? Ok, so you can't call, what are your other options? I remember one day, I was freaking out and got half way down my phone list and nobody was answering. As I cursed my wretched life of loneliness, I realized in the moment that I would prefer asking just about anyone than God for help. Time and space fails me in sharing about religious trauma but one part I love about my 12 Step Recovery is the work I have done in healing my relationship with divine energy from "My God, why have you forsaken me?" to "my everpresent help in time of need." This road of healing required me to redefine "the God of my understanding" and now, I have complete and total love and support from the creative force behind our universe, any time I choose to avail myself. Very nice!

I know, I know - if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it - and I am not up for sainthood any time soon. But as I live in anticipation of a future hope, being closer to God, I am less likely to fall back into my addictive identity and take matters into my own hands, literally, pun intended.

And the moral to the story - TLR - so glad you feel great and we do also as you continue to share your experiences and success. I wrestle at times with what I know is true, as you shared, "once an addict, always an addict" and still at times want to reframe that statement into something more positive. As my ego gets out of the way, I am less concerned with labels and more focused on my daily intentions in manifesting good energy in my life and the lives of those around me.

Now it's time for me to run off - perhaps to go find a meeting for those of us that struggle with "writer's addiction" and need the cure for verbal diarrhea! It was a coin toss about where to share my "recovery hints" TLR, but your success story is one that encourages us all and I hope all the guys will get a chance to check in and glean what they can to support their efforts.

Richard

....Yes, I did good on Sunday night. Not so good last night I'm ashamed to admit.
My "old friend" came knocking again. I knew who was at the door. But just cracked the door open to take a peek. Then closed the door before he came all the way in.
OK, in real words now - I had urges, I went to some of my old websites, did not masturbate or orgasm, felt like sh... and went to bed.

I'm glad I did not totally slip as that would have let in the withdrawal cycle and biological/chemical brain challenges. Not sure how I would deal with that or if I would end up swimming in the slime for a while before resurfacing. I really really don't want to do that again - I refuse.

I got an email from a friend on this site yesterday stating how my sharing has been inspirational as it is encouraging to see that there is a life beyond the addiction. I get that. He also said it must be hard to carry those dreams, the pressure of letting others down.

I guess I do have that. I am very embarrassed to be typing this to all of you. My friends. My support group. I'm glad to be an inspiration, but I am also humble enough to know that I rely on you all as much as anyone might rely on me.

So today I pick myself up, start again. Learn from the experience and move on.

I do have think of the triggers and Richard did a FANTASTIC job above breaking my post apart and showing the steps involved. He asked me to verbalize how I made a conscious decision to not look on Sunday night. I'll have to think about that some more. I guess for me it was the idea of acting on an urge in reverse.

I know that when I am on the computer, the only way to stop the urge, is to turn off the computer (or to not turn it on) so that is the choice I made. I thought to myself, I'm not proud or happy with this urge, I will be less happy if I submit to it, so I'm going to give myself a gift and not succumb.

Of course those steps did not work on Monday night! One difference is that the computer was already on on Monday. So there was a step involved instead of just not taking a step - not turning the computer on. I guess that is one thing to learn.

I have to run off to work. I'll check back in later.

I'm sad to admit this, glad to share with you all, and feel stronger now having been honest and open. I do have a few things more to share but I'm late for work!

to your sharing TLR and once again, are we not twins separated at birth the way our lives parallel each other?

Marnia (such a gift this lady has!) cut right to the chase - shame is a powerful emotional trigger and in Carnes paradigm for sexual addiction, it is the "bottom" that precedes "preoccupation" that leads to "ritualization" that ends up in "sexual compulsivity". In your own words:

So I agree with Marnia - shame sucks..like totally...gag me with a spoon - it's as useless as our vestigal tails - a lie from the pit of Hell.

So let's turn this around - OK dolphins! By the way, I have always admired dolphins, not only for their intelligence and ability to do flips but they are also reknowned for masturbating on the water jets in their pools - is it any wonder they are always smiling???

I love the Eagles and my spirit smiles knowingly as their words play in my head, "we are all just prisoners here, of our own device." So what is your crime? Looking at some pictures that generated sexual arousal - Hmmmm....my, my, my...you are so...well...human! If that is the unpardonable sin, then I am right there with you buddy!

Here is the thing - I am willing to bet you a lunch that on this - if you are anything like me, you are carrying around a core belief that, "Those who fail, including me, are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished." So my response, Marnia's response, God's response is complete, total, unconditional love! Who comdemns you? Nobody! So let me give you a big hug and let's move on and have some fun today!

I admire your courage in sharing your experience - I feel and understand your disappointment but you in no way have let any of us down - if anything, I appreciate your honesty, something in short supply these days, and I would prefer to hang with you any day than some self-righteous hypocrite that acts like their shit does not stink. (can I say that? Hope so!)

OK dolphins, let's turn this around, accent the positive - as a matter of fact, let's do dance in the streets because it feels sooo damn good.

I wanted to relate something for you to consider - perhaps the glass is more half full than half empty - much more than you realize? I have been through similar experiences where once in a blue moon, I have been enticed by porn but very much like you, I no longer do ritualized masturbation as I have realized that my soul longs for a deeper, more meaningful experience - something far beyond a mere orgasm - is that not what attracts us to this very community?

So be encouraged that in that moment of truth, you made a courageous decision to not masturbate - that your soul is healing and evolving to a higher energy and we all have the rest of our lives to just keep getting better. Yoo hoo!

The guys I know in recovery that are really struggling are fighting a losing battle on their computers, on tv, in the malls, on the streets, at work, in the gym - to not be triggered by beautiful images and real life ladies in the flesh...of women in seductive outfits and poses that are everywhere. In my worse moments, I wondered if maybe my punishment for being such a lusty man was to literally pluck out my eyes and some really twisted christians actually misuse the bible to suggest that's appropriate.

My recovery has made quantum leaps as I embrace my maleness, my visual cues, my erections, everything that God created within me that makes me a man and embrace the wonderful divine feminine that is designed to complement me, enhance me, complete me.

As we continue the journey of spiritual growth, we will, as you so beautifully put it recently, "be still and know that I am God" and in doing that, we will grow beyond the pain of not feeling completely loved and accepted, at peace, and embracing the joy of a glorious today, whatever it brings.

You have made my day with your sharing TLR - in your own words:

We all have so much to learn - you may "start again" in your journey of recovery but you are not starting over.

I sit here on my computer, at home, alone, most every day and right now, in this moment, I would rather write to you than go to all the porn sites that are just a few clicks away. There is so much more to life than my next orgasm and I sense you are getting that, just as I have learned this through a long process of experiencing my pain and ultimately, healing.

I hope there is something in my random comments that encourage you - trust me that I have gone through countless slips that got me to where I am today.

I have enjoyed coaching kids in sports and employees in the corporate world and can tell you, the hardest thing is to coach attitude as mostly, you either have it or you don't.

You have a great attitude TLR and that is why my money is on you to continue your successful recovery - one that we are all encouraged by - one that we support you in, every step along the way.

Richard

in one post Marnia - what an incredible transition from my thoughts about smiling dolphins to the heart of the matter!

What a beautiful metaphor for peace between the sheets - what a lovely glimpse into our very souls.

Please email me with a reference to the writing you shared as I would love to delve more into such mystical things from a jewish perspective.

Richard

You all pick me up and make me smile. Richard, through all your ramblings, there was something in there to give me hope, lots in there as a matter of fact!

Yes, I know it was just a slip, I'm loved, cared for, embraced and celebrated by you all, my family and friends and my God. That's comforting. It is worthy of remembering often though.

On the ---

I never had an urge to masturbate. Strange really but I agree. I'm bored of that, see it's emptiness and long for something more. Sex with myself just isn't appetizing anymore. Images I guess are still stimulating but the urge for solo/self gratification is not there.

So there is definite healing and progress.

Thanks for the support.
-TLR

I don't see where you have 'slipped'! If you were climbing a mountain, that was a bit of gravel under your boot! Just reading all of this is inspiring me to keep going. To see that so many brave souls on this site have gone so far in their recovery to a healthy sexuality (and by the way, the 'mainstream' of society regards the dysfunctional, driven state as 'normal' or even 'healthy'!)... imagine how I feel...just FOUR DAYS without an orgasm and I'm feeling like a wild bull. Please no-one start being hard on themselves, you guys are all awesome.

(I decided dolphins are a not-so-wise metaphor for you guys, now that we all know what they're up to on their breaks. )

Glad you realize that your mighty libido is NOT normal for you. It's not actually libido. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Libido is a healthy urge to merge with another human being.

What you guys are dealing with is an urge to self-medicate, to seek relief, oblivion, above all to seek a rise in dopamine. You need to raise your dopamine to feel better during withdrawal, but try raising it less - so you don't go into the red zone and create another deficit.

Are you exercising? Doing something creative? Smiling at goddesses? Meditating? Those activities balance your brain chemistry. As part of this increased balance, they also produce oxytocin, which, when injected into rat brains, soothes both addiction and withdrawal symptoms. (I'm not making this up, folks: http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_and_addiction )

So Asher, unless you'd like me to swim over and inject your noggin with some oxytocin, you'd better go about making some yourself!

Hugs,
M

Bravo! Porn is a huge "learning reinforcer." That is, your brain lays down a deeper rut the more you rely on it. As my husband says, it's like walking through a field until you lay down a path. If you want the grass to grow back, you've got to stay off that path and carve a new, healthier one.