I know for myself that hugs can be very triggering, especially if I'm being hugged by a woman that I'm attracted to. I hate to say it, but if a woman is receptive to me in even the tiniest way, I get sexually triggered. I know that there is a new age ritual of greeting people with a hug, but I'd be careful with it until you know the other person. Perhaps we on this site can help to diffuse some of that anxiety.

that some more details (though respecting anonymity of course) would be helpful here. However, from what I am picking up, this person sounds like someone who is on a path similar to the men on this site (if I'm not mistaken)...It could be that he is being reticent because he really does respect you, and that's not a bad thing...However as a male I can say that if you just maintain friendship and simply keep being a friend, that if it is meant to be, there will surely come a time when he will, er, become 'inspired' I believe...Some men can find feeling 'pressured' is not a nice feeling (though I cannot relate to that at the moment...if a goddess was to make advances towards me, I wouldn't refuse her). But from personal experience: in the past, before I knew about the spiritual potential of sacred sex, I used to go on 'celibacy drives' where I would refuse to even entertain the thought of being physical with any woman (my intentions were good, I was doing it for spiritual reasons, I just didn't have the information I now have). Looking back now, I missed out on some potentially rewarding experiences due to this mindset. So maybe if your friend got the right information...? In any case, feel free to let us know how things are going.

I find many crave emotional attention, (they are "touched" when someone offers kind-attention) but they find physical touch very confusing and worrisome. Fear of ______(lots of things) can be the root-problem. I think it all goes back to pain and rejection, but I know I'm very anal-minded with my wound-theories!

I know I have some serious touch issues... a lot of them are rooted in fierce anger, and that anger makes me afraid. I'm terrified of history repeating itself in that soul-depeleating way on me anymore. [That's when I go numb and quiet.]

You have touched (sorry, couldn't resist) on the reason why this approach to lovemaking can help, and why a long, slow approach with no hungry grabbing, is necessary to transition into it. Touch always has an "energy" to it. As one female friend told me, "your hugs feel completely different than his. You're trying to comfort me. He's trying to get something." With touch, we either "give" or "take." Pay attention and you'll see ti for yourselves. Pretend there are streams of energy in coming from your skin and "watch" which way they move.

We can all learn, or remember, what the first kind of touch is like...if we stick to it consistently. Use the feelings you have when you hug your kids to find it. It's very comforting.

Anyone interested in this issue, should follow Discordia's link to the NPR program on touch. Well worth listening to...and a good reminder on how *wrong* established scientists can get things. They once recommended that parents should never touch their kids...and it wasn't all that long ago. Same folks are now convinced that nonstop orgasms are the path to health. Hmmmm....

I realize that is the perfect place to share an email I got from a member of this site...who is too busy to post it. Are you all familiar with "Cuddle Parties?" These are gatherings with carefully set boundaries, where people can ask for touch and freely say "yes" or "no." William is trained in this technique, I think. I can post the rules, if anyone is interested.

They are a great way for people with touch issues to move in a healthy direction. They also help grabby types to get used to tuning in to others, rather than just following their own urges around.

Anyhow, this friend began attending those parties, and met a woman he liked...who didn't fit his "ideal mate list" at all. She's older than he, and he's middle aged. But both felt guided. Anyhow, here's how the story is progressing:

You deserve to hear about this. Maybe you have heard it all before, and maybe many times. That doesn't make it any less valuable though, does it? C. and I watched Eckhart and Oprah together tonight at the Center. We had supper together at a Thai place close to my apartment. Then there was time for a short cuddle before she went home. We had spent the previous night together and since we have yet to work out how to get all the rest we need when we do that, she was planning to go home. We figured we could spend about 30 minutes together. She eagerly pulled me -- though I was not at all unwilling! -- into the bedroom, saying "Let's not waste time with the couch."

Cuddling together -- we've been doing that for three weeks now. I see, after consulting my calendar, we've been together on ten of those days, and have enjoyed four full nights together. I think I can safely say for both of us, we enjoy it more each time. And since we enjoyed it tremendously the first time, that is saying a lot!

[at this point, I began to sift the sense I have of the audience for this essay . . .]

Part of the Cuddle rules discuss arousal and encourage us not to fear it; we explore the natural place of arousal in our interpersonal contact. C. and I got to know each other in that environment and are making a gradual transition to another environment, one where arousal is very much present a lot of the time. In this new environment, we are influenced by the ideas which Marnia describes in 'Peace Between the Sheets, Healing through Relationship.' The interest and affection we share now very much enhance our experience. We are both highly motivated to ride these wonderful waves of energy and to ride them as long as we can. We are finding that these are not waves like those we have experienced before, but it is as if we have moved over some threshold, moved through some curtain, or passed through some sort of portal into a world with unfamiliar rules.

I feel compelled to shift gears for a moment to share a few reflective comments. Many of us are familiar with the notion that we experience the world through filters created by our ideas about the world. Pithily put, "Concept precedes percept." Many of are aware of the tremendous influence expectations have on the quality of our lives.

And in that light, please consider this. I will shift into first person here, and speak from my experience.

Cuddling and non-goal oriented touch raise me to a height where I have a dramatically new *point of view.* The world I see is different. I can see things I never saw before. I can have experiences I never dreamed of before. We are so connected that this is not an individual experience, either. I affect my friends, my coworkers, even strangers on my job. More important to me, I feel myself entering a world where *flow* takes on real significance. I have long held the conviction that we live in an abundant world. Now I have the *experience* that this is so.